I don't mean the act of drinking fountains (how do you drink a fountain anyway? With a curly drinking straw?); No, I am referring to the metal things in the toilet that you press a lever and drinking water comes out of. I am annoyed by them. Or rather, the small children in my school who choose to fill up their water-bottles at the drinking fountain (a process that takes like ten minutes because water comes out of the drinking fountain at about one drop a second), when they could just use the tap in the sink which would take about TEN SECONDS. I think that they actually believe that drinking fountain water is somehow different from tap water. It's not. IT'S THE SAME WATER. This annoys me. Not sure why. I mean, I don't even use the drinking fountain. Firstly it is too close to the door of the bathroom and secondly I think that it is far too low; the drinker always ends up bent over in a kind of gay manner mooning the rest of the school as they walk by. Plus it's impossible to get a decent drink out of the drinking fountain. If I am in the mood for water - and to be honest I am always in the mood for water - I either fill up my water bottle (at the sink!!!!) or I cup my hands and drink from then. This allows me to maintain my dignity by not being bent over and also lets me have more water quicker. Also I can use the moisture left on my hands after drinking the majority of the liquid to give my face a little wash - everyone's a winner.
Actually I think there was a greek myth about a king who told his army to have a drink at a river. All the soldiers who drank (like me) with cupped hands were given golden hats. All the soldiers who drank like pigs on their bellies at the drinking fountain had their heads cut off. Seems a bit harsh to me but then hey, I am not a greek king.
Have I already written a blog about drinking fountains? I can not remember. But anyway there is another one.
9: The Child in Time
This is a book written by gay scottish author Ian 'The Party Animal' McEwan*. We are studying it for English. On the surface, it is a book about loss and grief and the effect that time can have on people. In reality it is about Ian 'Fifteen Incher' McEwan showing off how clever and what a God's gift to literature he is. It is also notable for having about a million references to time in every paragraph. Basically McEwan is saying 'Hey check it out this book is about time - see time is in the title; woah man I just changed tense I JUST CHANGED TENSE!!! AND LOOK I MADE A REFERENCE TO TIME! WOAH THERE'S ANOTHER ONE FLASHBACK TIME!!!! I FLASHED BACK AND YOU DIDN'T EVEN NOTICE THE JOIN!!! Oh shit man I just flashed forward OH WAIT AND BACK AGAIN you didn't see that coming did you? LOSER! I am very good at writing things."
It is annoying and I have to write a coursework piece on it and pretend to be impressed at the 'subtle' interweaving of the time theme. Subtle? The main character's mother's maiden name is Temperley. THAT MEANS TIME. That's about as subtle as a crowbar.
8: Henry James
I started reading the Henry James book "What Maisie Knew" for my upcoming Oxford interview. It annoyed me because Henry James is a very abstruse writer and his sentences are all about fifteen hundred clauses long. I eventually got bored of reading about some little girl who refuses to be corrupted and started reading "American Psycho" instead, which is about this joker who murders people and talks about suits a lot. In the four weeks I spent reading "What Maisie Knew", I managed to read 118 pages. I have been reading "American Psycho" for two days and - HAHAHA I just opened it to check - I am on page 118. That is so cool I am not even lying. What a crazy coincidence. I love life.
The fact that I an unable to read Henry James means that I am probably not going to get into Oxford University for smart people.
7: The guy who wrote the Eragon books
Maybe this just links to my dislike of young people being talented at things, but there's this fifteen year old who wrote a series of books about gay flying dragons who fly about being clichéd. Seriously, what a knob. He just makes the rest of us look bad. I mean, we have all wanted to write a crappy science fiction swords and sorcerors book at some point, but most of us listen to our internal editors and decide against it. Of course, when I say "we have all" I am naturally referring to myself. I once got 27, 932 words into a three book epic which I tentatively named "Corruption" about a mythical land called Angelterra before realising that it was complete crap. Don't believe me? Here's a sample paragraph:
“Yes, my lord, but, well, some demons suck in the sun to provide them with life. Our men, although they outnumber the demons, cannot match the fighting abilities of them, and they have Tarces to help them. And, you are also mistaken about Chfer. He has no heart to rip out, and as for destroying his cult, I know of another Demon ready to take his place. His name is Syn, and already he nearly matches the power of Chfer. Other than that, we have a fifty-fifty chance of winning. Oh, and before you say it, no, I don’t know where this other demon is.”
Hahaha fifty-fifty chance. Oh man it actually sounds so exciting. I wish I had finished it now. Annoyingly, I can't really remember what happened. I think that the 'lord' mentioned died eventually. Can't remember who Tarces is. Ooh, Chfer got killed by Syn. Syn was a fucking legend - he could melt and transform and he had these wicked sharp claws that were like a metre long. Unfortunately he was then melted by the onset of some other random demon who took over the fair land. HE then got killed by some little kid with a magical crystal and replaced by a big brown cloud monster who represented Corruption who was then killed by some passing angel.
Ahh, memories.
So yeah, this guy decided "you know what, I am just going to ignore my internal editor, churn out a load of shit about gay dragons, get my ultra-rich parents to fund them for me and become a multi-millionaire after the forgettable and badly-made film adaptation comes out". What. A. Knob.
Jealous? Me? HAH hardly! The guy who wrote Eragon (I can't remember his name, so I will just refer to him as Pimply McVirgin) may have millions of dollars, but I still have my credibility.
Thinking about it I probably would have prefered to the millions of dollars.
6: Accidentally annoying lesbians by writing blogs about them
Sorry to any readers (lesbian or otherwise) who were accidentally annoyed by my previous lesbian-related post. If you read the post carefully, I wasn't actually making fun of the lesbians (other than that bit about lesbians wearing tin hats), I was making fun of myself saying lesbian by accilesbiandent. Basically it was a piece of complicated social irony that you do not understand because you are too busy lusting after the boobs on the Angel of the North. Sorry sorry sorry. Please don't hurt me. Here, I painted you a picture to show how sorry I am:

5: Kiddy Kong
I have started playing all the Donkey Kong Land games on the gameboy in recent weeks, and have noticed that as the games progress, the characters that you play as get crappier and crappier. In the 1st, you are Donkey and Diddy Kong - legends. Then Donkey gets fecken KIDNAPPED in the second game and replaced by Dixie Kong, who for some reason can fly using her hair. She is ok but a bit annoying as she is a girl and thus is by definition of the weaker sex (amusingly she was killed off or something and replaced by Tiny Kong in Donkey Kong 64). Then in DK3 even Diddy has fucked off somewhere, to be replaced by Kiddy Kong, who is a baby monkey and looks like THIS:

Look at that. What a total shambles. Looks like a fucking frog. This character is so annoying that I always make him headbutt the giant chainsaw bees every time I get a chance. Amusingly, he too vanished and was replaced by Chunky Kong in DK64. I know too much about old video games.
4: The Water levels on Donkey Kong Land 1, 2, and 3
Water levels are boring, I always accidentally float into the fish, my fingers get tired from all the pumping of the A button to swim about, the fact that I you can go anywhere and everywhere means that it's impossible to find the bloody DK coins which are always hidden in some tiny corner of the map through a see-through wall, how can the damn monkeys swim for so long with their breath held anyway, fish are gay. Fuck water levels.
3: The fact that I have spent the last two weeks playing Donkey Kong instead of working on my Oxford application
Pretty self explanatory really. It is my interview to get into Oxford University (to study English) in about a week, and I have so much stuff to do. I apparently have to find out the names, ages, favourite books, areas of study, sexual persuasions and star signs of every single don in Oxford in case any of them happen to interview me and bring it up. I have about 6 thick-ass books that I really need to have read. I need to think up a really persuasive explanation for my desire to study English @ Oxford University. This is added to the coursework that was due in 5 weeks ago which I have not started (why oh why did I decide to do my coursework essay on Karl Pilkington????) rowing, and the rest of the crap I have to put up with in my life (reading all the shite syllabus books necessary, normal homework, talking to my girlfriend, writing blogs about how much work I need to do, doing the crossword).
I am basically screwed for Oxford. They are never going to let me in to do English. Unless... I print off the whole manuscript of Corruption thusfar and present it to them on the day, with the promise that I will finish it if they let me into the university? I mean, they are guaranteed to be swayed by high-class and dramatic dialogue such at this:
Shivering, Nettle crept forward.
“ I know you’re out th-aaagh!” A dark shape leapt out from behind the moss covered tree and pinned him to the ground, before battering in the face and screaming.
“AAAAAAGH!”
“AAAAAAGH!”
“AAAAAAGH!”
Nettle rolled into a small ball and was promptly beaten unconscious by the dark shape.
It goes on like that.
2: Hatchet Zombie
Hatchet Zombie was a little mini-blog I started over the summer in an attempt to persuade myself to blog more than once a week. The idea was that I would just post random shit up there every day. The idea did not work and I have not written anything on it for about two million weeks. I am depressed by this symbol of my failure and so Hatchet Zombie has now forever been banished to the netherworld of 'not listed on Blogger'. It might come back one day (it won't).
Now let us never speak of it again.
1: Oh crap I miscounted there are only nine things that I do not like and I cannot be bothered to change all the titles
THE END ...?
Today's Lol of the Week:

^lol
*Description and nickname may be made up