Brrrrrup

I am going away to the USA
Tomorrow, tomorrow!
Where I am goin', I'll be rowin'
Tomorrow, tomorrow!
Five days here and five days there
I am always gonna use the same two pair
...s of underwear!
Tomorrow, tomorrow!
So hand my my lycra and sling my hook
I'll be in the country where only the minorities haaaaaveeeee toooo cooooooooooooooooooook!
TOMORROW, TOMORROW!

Good eh, I just wrote that entire poem in one orgy of poetic skill. TS Elliot eat your heart out. I am soooo much better than you. What's that, TS Elliot? The sky's like a patient etherized on a table? What... what the fuck are you retarded or something? Get back in your cage TS Elliot. Call back when you learn how to use similes you coffee-spoon life measuring out twat. To be honest the rhyme scheme (Iambic pentameter my ass) of my poem is a bit off - AKA WRONG - but fuck it, I'm a published writer which gives me infinitely more literary credo than the rest of the ENTIRE INTERNET. But I digress.

I have to get up at SIXish tomorrow to go to the AIRPORT to fly to AMERICA to ROW in THE HEAD OF THE CHARLES (a race) and THE HEAD OF THE SKULLIKILIAHALALSKJDLASJDAL (a race that I can't remember the name of). It'll be bare awesome blud, I'll get to chat up all the american laydies (don't read that if your name is Lucia) and like, use my powers of an english accent on them. Plus our coach has a weird sense of humour and has ordered us to wear cream chinos, boating blazers, blue shirts, yachting shoes and boat-club ties in the airport and when we get off the plane to meet our American exchange families (I'M IN A HOUSE WITH A 16 YEAR OLD GIRL don't tell Lucia AND POSSIBLY TWO OTHER 16 YEAR OLD GIRLS, depending if "Brent" and "Ryan" are girls or boys names). I think this is funny because this is basically what American people think us Brits go about wearing at home all the time anyway so we will be fullfilling their stereotypes 100000%. We might as well step off the plane wearing bowler hats, dancing about with broomsticks, and talking cockney. We also get to go to a 'basketball' match, which is apparently an American sport when they watch negroes fight each other in a ring for an hour and drink beer.

We are not allowed to drink beer.

I have also decided that I'll do that thing where I take a little action figure around the world and take photographs with him. I would obv have taken Mr Gay (AKA the gheyest action figure I own AKA Zanzibar from GI Joe), but his legs fell off one day and now I can't even find his upper-body. Which is a shame because I would have quite liked to have done a "Follow Mr Gay's torso across the world" series. Maybe it should just be "Follow the Sparkly Von Dutch Hat across the world" that'd be equally awesome. Or not wait a second let me have a look on my desk (which is basically one big pile of paper) if I can find Mr Gay's body. Wow awesome look his crotch oh fuck a load of papers fell on the floor. Well what do I care I won't be here and someone might tidy them up in the next ten days. Or not. I could take my Gollywog doll but would that go down well in USA? I don't think so, Joe. Oh well fuck that I give up on Mr Gay. But I did find a kazoo in the box. Heh cool

I can't really be bothered to blog, so here's just a list of things that I would quite like to do during this trip:

Smuggle my sweet sparkly yellow Von Dutch hat in with my hand luggage, then as soon as we get through checkin I'll put it on then I'll be wearing like yachting gear and then a crazy Von Dutch hat and all the people in the airport will be like look at him he's mental

Make ripping, tearing, explosion sounds and like BAMBAMBAM enemy gunfire sounds when we take off and land

Play the kazoo on the plane FOR SEVEN HOURS

When I arrive in America, greet every American I meet with a different stereotypical British accent - "BRRRRRRUP" "Why hello there" "Top of the evening Guvna" "Ooch Aye the Noo" "Typical Welsh Greeting", "ALROIGHT MISTA SHINE YA SHOES."

Refuse to drink anything except tea

Ask everyone to stand and sing the English national anthem before and after every meal

At the basketball match, cheer "THE TEAM THAT HAS FEWER NEGROES!"

Impress all the American kids with my tales of my wild drink-abusing party days. Like the day that I - AS AN EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD - had a beer ordered for my by my father in a restaurant, and I drank that fucking beer down I didn't care WHO was watching

Correct all the American spelling. Humor? NO, HUMOUR. I will do this even in speech - "Excuse me, Shalea, I am interested in your point about labour, but, you know, I KNOW that you spelt it in your head without the U. Sort it the fuck out." That'll get em

Tell the Americans stories about life back in Blighty. I'm thinking of telling them about the wolves that ate my little sister and dragged her away into Sherwood Forest. Or the time that the Queen personally bicycled to our bungalow high in the hills to buy buns. Or when I walked on the street without wearing a top hat and got thrown in the Tower for THREE MOONS

Act really backward - like really excitedly tell them about Britney Spears as though they are a new band and look really impressed at the pane glass in the windows

I'll use my dry sense of British humour (notice the 'U' in there), but it'll be SO DRY that it SUCKS ALL THE MOISTURE OUT OF THEIR BODIES AND LEAVES THEM SHRIVELLED UP LITTLE PILES OF AMERICAN DUST MWAAWHAHAWASHASL

To be honest I'm not going to do any of those things I actually started to feel less intelligent as I typed them. Fucking morons. So yeah, I'll be gone for the next ten or so days. If I can get hold of a computer... to be honest I still won't blog much. There might be the odd Americablog on Hatchetzombie (which will soon be given the coveted award of "Least Successful or Interesting Website of the Year" by me). So it's going to be quiet on the chainsawzombie outlook for the next week and a half. You won't notice really, that's the usual length of 'thinking time' (read: Can't be bothered to blog time you idiots just enjoy the one you have and comment lots) that usually occurs between each post anyway.

PS: I downloaded one low-quality song by Sonic Youth and I think that qualifies me to state that they are and always will be a C- band and THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN DO OR SAY THAT WILL CHANGE MY MIND

Little effort went into this blog. Laters people