He lived far off in the mythic land of "Middle Earth"...
... in a small but prosperous "farming town"...
... spending his days practising his swordsmanship, fencing, and archery in a small hut in the middle of the forest, at the tutlelage of his "wise mentor".
After many years, the wise mentor said to the young warrior "Young Warrior, you have indeed worked long and hard, and I feel that it is time for you to head off into the big wide world to seek fame and fortune. I have packed you a lunchsack with provisions and will give you this trusty pony so that the long roads and harsh terrain will not "hurt your feet".
The warrior thanked his wise mentor, and climbed on the pony and set off to lands far away. On the way, he had many "exciting and dangerous adventures":
However, after many months of travelling and killing beasts like some retarded World of Warcraft geek, he thought to himself "Perhaps I will stop in a town and find myself a girlfriend". So that is what he did - he shouted "HUP" to Clancy (his pony), and rode full speed to the nearest town, which was called "Safetyville".
Safetyville was known far and wide as being the safest place about - the perfect place for any warrior to rest and recuperate from a long hard day's fighting of identikit demons. After saddling Clancy up at the local stables, he headed straight for the tavern to find a suitable lady. And lo and behold, what did he spy working behind the bar? Why, a truly lovely barmaid! Her name was Eric, and she was truly a "busty wench"!
He fell immediately in love, and danced up to the bar to order a pint of Carling Edge (with extra citrus). She was so immediately enthralled at his "handsome face"...
... that she too fell deep in love. After a night of whispering sweet nothings to each other, they vowed to get married. However, her father - the barkeeper - was a very overprotective man who "disapproved".
On the other hand, he realised that the young warrior could be a decent potential mate, so he thought up a cunning plan to test his mettle. "Young lad!" he cried. "In the woods near here lives a mighty dragon. If you slay the dragon, I shall let you marry my daughter!" The warrior thought about it for a bit. It seemed quite a lot of effort just to get his leg over. However, the rest of the girls in the pub were "damn ugly"...
... so he thought "What the hell I'll do it". After another few pints of dutch courage, he uncertainly climbed back onto Clarence and rode in the deep dark woods. On his journey towards the dragon's lair, he saw many a "scary sight"...
Finally he reached the dragons lair, which was, like, an old mine shaft all covered in goo and stuff. It was really horrible and to be honest the brave warrior considered packing it all in. However, he thought for a bit, built up his courage, did a few vodka jelly shots and went into the dark abyss. Inside, he came upon a huge cave. Inside the cave was a pile of treasure. And curled up on top of the pile of treasure, sound asleep, was the "evil dragon"!
The warrior was so scared he nearly peed himself. However, he bravely overcame his fears, wrapped his thick fleece pullover around him, crept up the pile of treasure without waking the sleeper, and, before the dragon could react, kicked its head in with his thick manly "hiking boots".
When the dragon was dead, the warrior took some photos and, in the interests of ending this story quickly, teleported back to the pub. Hearing that the dragon was dead, the old man was "very happy"...
... and blessed the marriage. Then the warrior and Eric got married and had lots of "beautiful children".
Unfortunately the warrior got bored after a few years, and there was a very 'bitter divorce'.
THE END
Hahahahhahahaha... I have far too much time on my hands. This isn't even the limits of my creativity today. I spent half an hour drawing pictures of what my girlfriend would look like if she had blonde hair. I can tell you, the results were H O T. She looked like she had a cheese omlette on her head. Hahaha. Is it obvious that I am off school sick and buzzed on Lemsip and Under-3s Calpol? I am. Hahahaha well making that made me laugh, even if nobody comments on it. I love the internet.
And I didn't even get to use the best picture of all, which I came across during the making of this piece. I could think of no convenient place to slot it into the main narrative, so instead I will insert it here as a convenient coda - the equivalent of the "Extra Scene" at the end of the credits of such films as Pirates of the Carribean or Bug's Life. It makes me laugh.
Enjoy:
Today's Crapic Crossword Clue:
Waggle a weapon, writer! (11)
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