Ouch, hampsti!

I have not blogged for a while.

There is clearly no excuse for that other than that I have been very busy watching my life swelling up and deflating and reflating and imploding and exploding in a series of small but interesting hydroplasmic catastrophes. I don't really know what that last sentence meant but my, it did sound impressive, didn't it?

At the moment, the situation of my love-life is more unstable than Jackson's nose, and equally prone to blow up in my face, and so I think that in this post, I will refrain from making any references to Lucia or Rose or Samantha or Jose or Mr Hoppy or Curry or my mum or that fat girl from the other night or any of the other spheres of romantic interest that keep flying around me, crashing into my head, kicking me in the chest, knocking me sideways and ripping me asunder in a roasting cacophany of twisting contradictory forces. So therefore, the love-life is undiscussable by me until I figure out what the hell is going on and there is some sort of mental stability for everyone involved. However, feel free to speculate and guess as much as you want in the comments. It makes me feel popular and scandalous!!!!!

Therefore, I will quickly run through the non-oestrogeny few events that have kept me amused for the past few weeks:

Yesterday was Schools Head of the River. It is a four point two mile hardcore rowing race down the Thames in Eights. As usual, I was hardcoring it in the most hardcorest of boats, the 2nd VIII - it's like the 1st VIII but we row more hardcorely. It was quite an emotional occasiona, being my very last Schools Head, so I was determined to do the eight proud and row my little stripey socks off. Top Five in 2nd VIIIs was the aim of the day, along with beating St Paul's School (wankaz, innit) and - my own personal sphere of interest - King's 2nd VIII, who were starting off behind us. Well essentially the marshal said go and we fucked so far off into the distance that King's dwindled into a tiny little speck on the horizon, started crying, then all wet themselves. St Paul's, who started off before us, gave a simultaneous shriek of horror as we raped it up to them in about ten strokes, overtook them, stopped, got out of the boat, had sex with all of their mothers, then got back in and kept going. Pangbourne got the same treatment. Essentially, we ended up coming 4th in our category of 19, and 19th overall in the entire race, just two seconds behind our 1st VIII. We fucking rule. Equally, my arms are all muscled and sunburnt from the awesome weather. Get in a queue, ladies. Actually, don't.

Because of the race, I hadn't drunk a drop of l'alcool for like three weeks, so it was a relief to go to a party after the race and sit in a jacuzzi with bare girls in bikinis and glug away. I'm not kidding, by the way. I was the pimp. I also have a public announcement: Tequila is fucking horrible. No matter how many times I tell people, I always end up drinking it again. It is literally like being shot in the throat and the middle of the frontal lobe by a bee-sting made of vinegar. It was pretty fun, but then I got all morose and depressed and atrabilious and started writing text messages.
However, the taxi back was awesome as the driver was a joker. When my comrade Luke was telling him about how he got pushed in the pool by a girl who's NAME was Kat, the driver was like 'You threw a cat into the pool?'. Hahaha. Ok so it doesn't sound so funny now but trust blud it was bare jokes back in the car when we were all smashed.

I have to put something else here so that it's a list of three, but to be honest I have done NOTHING OF INTEREST IN THE LAST THREE WEEKS that doesn't involve girls. I started writing a novel, if anyone cares? It's about a boy who goes to a school closely resembling Dante's circles of Hell. Or something. It's work in process, really. I am essentially just phlegming words onto the page and hoping that something crunchy comes out.

OK, that's enough about me.

Today's Craptic Crossword Clue:
Secretary shaves off cockney hairy enigma (6)

(p.s. Cassie is cool)