There was a few seconds of placid silence as he let this information sink in. I was stunned. I tried to think of something to say back. Only one thought sprung to mind.
"I'm actually taller than you."
There was another few moments of silence, punctuated only by the slow drip-drip-drip of rain against the window. A young boy cycled along the road outside. He was wearing a hat.
The hat was blue.
"Cool," said the mysterious stranger. "Want to have sex?"
* * *
Well, that is exciting. There's a cliffhanger for you. Another exciting example of the zany situations I get myself into. And I bet, having read that, you are now full of questions. What was I doing talking to a mysterious but well-endowed South African stranger? Why did he want to have sex with me? Did I consent? How did I get myself out of THAT situation? I am not going to tell you! Yet. You will just have to wait and see. But bear in mind - there is a twist in the tale. Let's see if you can figure it out. But I warn you - it's pretty cryptic. SOLVE MY RIDDLE.
I have spent some time this week on internet chatrooms, pretending to be a girl (oh, shit). Now you may think that this is a pretty sad thing to be doing with my time, but if you bear in mind that the other option was revising critical approaches to gothic literature (everything reflects contemporary anxieties, I get it already Kelly Hurley) I think that you will agree that the whole transgender thing was a much better way to pass the time. In fact, while you were all revising your surds and relative fractions, I was having the time of my life on teenflirt, so actually I'm pretty sure that that makes ME the cool one here. ALSO don't think that I was doing this off my own back; like I got up one day and thought "I know I will go onto an internet chatroom and pretend to be a girl,". Oh no, I was actually double teaming with my newbestfriend Emily. THAT'S RIGHT, A REAL GIRL.
I think I should briefly mention Emily for a bit as a large part of this story relies on understanding Emily's mentality. Which I don't. Of course, I don't really understand any girls at all, but I really REALLY don't get Emily. She is a mental person. She has piercings on her face and a pet hedgehog and she sends people mysterious letters with slogans like 'Today is the first day of the rest of your life' written in blood. I like her because she is interesting. Every single one of her stories or anecdotes end with some sort of weird twist, like 'Then he went off with my lesbian friend' or 'Then I got molested' or 'Time to purge!'. So it was no suprise really that when I started talking to her on msn her first words were along the lines of 'HEY TOM I AM BAITING PERVERTS ON THE INTERNET'. Of course, my ears pricked up at the words 'perverts', 'internet' and 'Tom'. We all know of my interest in internet perverts - after the Perverted Justice excitement of last year and the paedophile post way back in 2005 I have pretty much made my bed visavis the paedophile/pervert issue.
So after about a ten second consideration, I quickly loaded up the 'teenflirt' chatroom and set about getting myself some virtual cock. While it was loading on the computer Emily set out the groundrules. I should give myself a kind of slutty name - I wanted to go with Mildred but that was turned down so I settled with Katya, after everyone's favourite spoon-faced Neighbours character. Secondly, I should tell everyone that I was a virgin as apparently this turns on men. Thirdly, when somebody says 'asl' to me, I should not say '18, male, London' as apparently this blows the whole thing wide open and spoils the fun.
So with no further ado I entered the chatroom. It was jolly exciting, there were lots of bright colours and flashing lights. In the main forum bit, a chatter called like, 'Lady Japan' or something was talking about kimono dresses. I was like wtf is this WHERE ARE ALL THE PERVERTS THAT EMILY PROMISED ME. But then I realised that the kimono conversation was sandwiched in between about eighteen thousand pleas for cybersex. So it was like:
Lady Japan: I like kimono rags
Bob: ANY 15YO GIRLS WANNA CHAT
big_meaty_gregory: yo girls any 18yo girls wanna do some chattin
Lady Japan: But it's really hard to tie the knots on the back of them
IRVING: any hairy girls into pee and poo please talk
blackman: who wants to go on msn i have a webcam
Lady Japan: I like things
It went on like that. So I typed 'lol my names Katya' into the box. Did you see my clever use of 'lol' to blend in? Usually I would not write 'lol' ever as I consider 'lol' to be pretty much the most retarded acronym on the face of the planet. I HAVE SERIOUS RESERVATIONS AS TO WHETHER OR NOT YOU ARE ACTUALLY LAUGHING OUT LOUD you fucken dipshits. However in this context I figured, what the hell, might as well go mad and say lol and elide the possessive apostrophe in 'names'. I tell you I was like a man possessed, it was fucking scary how non-standard my grammatical formations were.
About three quarters of a second later, about four requests for private chats popped up. I was like woo I have never BEEN so popular. I decided to only answer three of them as I felt like turning somebody down for no reason just to slightly make him question his own sense of superiority. Plus, Katya is no slag who talks with four men at once. She is a LADY. An internet lady.
The three guys I had conversations with were vinnie_bruklyns_most_wanted, sexy_guy_hot4u and jamesuk. I chose vinnie_bruklyns_most_wanted because - seriously - how often do you get to chat to the most wanted guy in Brooklyn on the teenchat message boards? Hardly EVER and I wasn't going to let that opportunity just pass me by. I went with sexy_guy_hot4u because I figured that his name, rather like Polonius's "comedy pastoral religious" comment in 'Hamlet' was a satiric poke at the naming traditions of contemporary theatre genres, was like an ironic pastiche, a satire - if you will - on the common naming traditions of internet chatrooms. Turns out it wasn't. Finally, I decided to chat with jamesuk because I liked the cut of his gib. His name was James. And he comes from the UK. Simple, effective, gets the job done. I approved.
Well about ten seconds in I realised that these chaps were not interested in making small talk. I mean, I TRIED, I TRIED to engage them in conversation. I talked to jamesuk about Hamlet - asked him if he thought that the wordless submission of Ophelia and - to an extent - Gertrude was indicitive of the lack of sexual equality in Elizibethan England. His response? "lol i dunno much about that i know a lot about sex tho". I don't see why he was lolling, Ophelia is no laughing matter. Seriously. She's like the least amusing Shakespearean character of all time. I'd rather spend time with CANNIBAL than Ophelia, and Cannibal is like some little pig monster dude. At least he dances and beats up those drunk guys. But I'm digressing; the beautiful soliloquies of Shakespeare are tangential to the point in hand.
sexy_guy_hot4u told me about his penis in his second message. We then had the conversation that you read at the beginning of this post. Do you like the subtle way that I like, depth charged him in my response? He expected me to be really impressed that he did did all this working out and stuff but I managed to beat all that with the whole 'I'm taller than you' thing. I bet it really bugs him that he isn't quite 6 ft fall. No matter how much weight he pumps or how big his penis is, he's just a little short guy.
Although, talking of penises, it appears that nine inches isn't actually that impressive. If I was to believe what I was being told, in the three conversations I was dealing with a whole twenty seven inches of penal matter. Seems that nine inches is the new standard. Things have certainly changed since my day and I have to tell you, it did kind of make me feel a little ashamed of my paltry two and half. But then I realised - they all believed me when I said I had 16DD boobs ("What are they like?" "Well, my dad likes them")... maybe, just maybe... THEY WEREN'T TELLING THE TRUTH.
LIARS? ON THE INTERNET? I DON'T BELIEVE IT.
So maybe vinnie_bruklyns_most_wanted wasn't actually the most wanted man in Brooklyn. I mean I kept asking him what his crimes were and he was just like 'not tellin u lol u sound like da police'. And maybe sexy_guy_hot4u didn't really like eating cats (well, that's what I thought he said). Once this horrible realisation crushed down upon me - that the people I was talking to weren't nubile young bodybuilders - to be honest I couldn't get into the cybersex. I mean, they tried. sexy_guy_hot4u informed me that his 'cock was wet'. vinnie_bruklyns_most_wanted told me all about his huge balls. And as for jamesuk, the things he wanted to do to me *blushes and fans self*.
But really, I just couldn't get into it because I kept imagining that they were a bunch of bespectacled thirteen year old virgins with braces and really skinny chests who wanted to be strong so they borrowed their father's weights set and did bench presses with 7.5kg on each side and then drank that bodybuilder protein mix and then flexed in front of the mirror for about twenty minutes every day before squeezing their spots and wiping the pus on the shaving mirror and then going to their rooms to download jerky jpgs of Gwen Stephani and cruise teenchat for pussy before going totally mental and playing three or four hours of Halo online under the username of 'darth sauron' and then getting really mad when their mums come in and tell them to go outside and then they go outside really moodily and they kick over a flowerpot then their mums shout at them so they go to their rooms and check eBay to see if they're still top bidder of that signed picture of Courtney Love and then going back on teenchat in the vain hope that somebody will agree to have phone sex but nobody's on so its back to the Gwen Stephani jpg search before going to bed at 9.30 because they have nothing else to fill their lives.
It's not as sexy when you think of it like that. But some of them are SO CONVINCING; like, I asked jamesuk if he had ever kissed a girl and he was like 'Yeah loads lol' so I asked him what the hell he was doing on teenchat at 340 in the afternoon and he was just like 'i'm bored of the girls i Know so i wanna meet nu ones'. That's pretty convincing and I found myself getting sucked back into the web of lies, so I made a picture which I have pinned to my wall to remind me NEVER TO TRUST PEOPLE I MEET ON THE INTERNET. I think that it sums up the issue pretty well:
Anyway. After a bit I got bored of them trying to persuade me to a: talk about my boobs, b: give them my phone number or c: stop talking about Chaucer's use of extended irony, so I told all of them that I was eight and closed the private chat windows. Back in the main room, Lady Japan was still talking about kimodos to herself. Emily - or shall I call her by her chatroom name, Kirsten - was also there, so we decided to pretend to be lesbians and talk about our boobs IN THE MAIN ROOM. I got kicked out literally five seconds later for saying 'My right boob has swelled up to about eight times its usual size, you really shouldn't have injected it with all that bacon grease' (it made sense). Apparently such behaviour isn't tolerated in the teenchat main forum. I GOT KICKED OUT OF TEENCHAT FOR BEING TOO SEXUALLY EXPLICIT.
That's how rock and roll I am, man.
I should have gone back in and talked to that pee and poo guy. I bet he'd have some interesting tales to tell.
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