I'm not even going to resurrect Sir Me and tell you about the hiroshima of a french oral I did yesterday. Or the cakewalk of a french listening I did today. Because you don't care.
Even blogging about birdflu crossed my mind, but I think I'll hold off on the birdflu until a few more hilarious minorities have died. Perhaps some bulgarians. Now that's vintage comedy.
No, today, I shall blog about................ MY ACTION FIGURE COLLECTION!!!!!!!!!!!
Yes. Seeing as I have a fuckload of revision to do, I decided that the best possible use for my time would be to get all of the old action figures out of my toy-box, re-unite them with their accessories, reattach their limbs, and then arrange them on my desk. When I was finished, I had a fiendish leigon far superior to anything that the mighty Caesar could ever think of dreaming up.
I took a photo.
Wow, that's overlappy.
(Please not: this is not my exhaustive toy collection. I have a pile of mutilated Action Men downstairs, along with [I am SURE] a load more Aliens and even some Predators. Predators are so shit. I hate them almost as much as I hate Robin. Also note: this large photo was made using photostich, and so for some reason I appear to have two identical Spidermans at the back of the picture. I do not have two identical Spidermans. This is a fallacy.)
Wow, thats a lot of toys. 34 ish, to be precise.
- Two "Aliens" toys. From the motion picture "Aliens" starring Sigourney Weaver and some other people. I got these toys a good, ooh, nine years before seeing the film, or, in fact, even knowing that such a film existed.
- Twenty three "Batman" toys (consisting of fourteen Batmans, seven villains, one giant disenbodied Batman head, and one Robin. And a hat. See if you can find the hat in the picture. It's like "Where's Wally", but not homosexual.)
- Three "Captain Scarlet" toys, two of which give me nightmares.
- Four retarded looking Spidermans. For some reason, Spiderman always looks retarded in toy form. Its something about the way that he's always too tall for his width, and thus constantly falls over, legs splayed out everywhere, like a gang-raped ballet dancer.
- One I-have-no-clue-in-hell-what-the-fuck-this-is toy.
- A kind of homosexual Lord of the Rings model, complete with a kind of homosexual beard and some kind of homosexual clothes. I lost his kind of homosexual sword under my kind of heterosexual bed.
I know that I've actually just namechecked 33 toys. And that number changes depending on whether or not you consider a hat to count as a seperate action figure. But you have to admit, that's a pretty impressive collection for JUST ONE BOX IN MY ROOM (I have another pile of boxes downstairs). This set also includes action figure versions of Jim Carey, Tommy Lee Jones, Arnold Schwartzanegro, Michael Biehn, Al Matthews, Micheal Keaton, Val Kilmer, Christian Bale (not George Clooney though, thank God) David Wenham AND Toby Macguire. That's a whole lotta celebrity.
By the way, please don't think that I'm some sort of insanely loserish fanboy, slavishly collecting action figures and obsessively keeping them in mint condition in their boxes in my cupboard so I can get up in the middle of the night and visit them, just to smell the sweet, sweet fragrance of the blister packs before putting on the extended Lord of the Rings soundtrack (remixed by Ficsherspooner) and dancing about in the pale moonlight with Boba Fett t-shirt and my inflatable model of Leia in her Jabba's palace outfit, reeking of three-day -old sweat and the Cheesy Puff crumbs that nestle greasily in my thin babyfluff wannabe biker beard on my pimply rash-covered chin, cackling in the knowledge that these things are MINE and nobody else's, my own, my preciiiiiiious... Because that's not me at all, baby. I have PLAYED with all these toys (bar one... can you guess which?) extensively. At one point or another, most of them have been buried up to their necks in my sandpit, being swallowed by quicksand, before being saved by whichever of the other action figures is my current favourite (nb: this was usually the blue Batman on the far right... legend). Many of the really good ones are now falling to bits. If you look carefully at the above picture, you'll already see that one of the Spidermans have given up the brave fight and has collapsed in a retarded pile, probably wondering where his arm is. I do not know where his arm is. I've probably injested it. I chewed a lot of my toys. I was like a dog in that respect.
But that picture is kind of small, isn't it? You can't really see some of the awesome highlights of my childhood toys. And seriously, some of my toys are classics. Totally classic. Of course, some of them are total fucking pieces of shit which I wish I'd never been given. But anyway, here are some of the really notable toys in my collection:
Web-Stunt Spiderman
I got this lame piece of shit for Christmas last year. It came with the street scene and lamp-posts. As far as I can tell, the idea was that you punch down on the lever between the lamp-posts, then Spiderman is thrown between the two posts, at which point the string causes him to do all kinds of kerazy and exciting stunts. This does not happen. Instead, Spiderman falls over slowly. Occasionally, he's thrown forward, then gets choked on the strings and crashes unspectacularily into the lamp-posts. If you're really lucky, he'll just fly forward and fall on the floor. Whatever happens, this is the second shittiest toy I have in my box o'toys. It totally ruined last Christmas for me. Thanks a lot, Mum.
Terminator
Did you know that they made Terminator toys? Apparently they do. And the likeness with Arnold is spectacular (sadly, this isn't my only Arnold toy. I'm pretty sure I have a Last Action Hero figure somewhere).
This is one of my favourite toys ever, just because it's so damn violent. Arnie is covered in scars and bullet wounds, and in several places HIS FLESH IS RIPPED AWAY TO REVEAL HIS ROBOTIC ENDOSKELETON. Actually, if you look kind of closely, it seems that the Terminator was actually made of bronze. None of that strengthened silver steel shit. Also, amusingly, the base colour of this toy was a flesh tone, and all the black plastic on this toy's arse has worn off, so it LOOKS LIKE HE HAS A BARE BUM. Hey, made me laugh when I was ten. And was there ever a scene in the movies when Arnie was dressed in tight fitting shiny black trousers, a silver belt and a wifebeater? I don't remember him having the numbers 9330 printed on his arm, either. Doesn't matter. Awesome toy.
Catwoman (and hat)
I'm pretty sure that this is the most erotic toy ever made. Getting this toy literally fast forwarded me into puberty. Seriously, I reckon the boobs on this toy constitute an actual health risk. You could put your eyes out on them. However, I guess that some of Catwoman's sexy allure is cancelled out by the fact that she can no longer stand up straight. However I position her legs, she just falls over like a quadrapalegic on a tighrope. She's basically a fit cripple. Or she could be lying suggestively on the ground, beckoning me with her whip. Hmm.
Also pictured: The Joker's hat. I figured that this didn't really deserve its own picture, no matter how cool a fedora it is. NB: this hat is from an ORIGINAL JOKER MODEL from the 1988 film. Not some shitty new-fangled Joker model, this is the REAL MOFOING DEAL, HOMIES. Its probably worth more than your teeth. And it's MINE. ALL MINE.
I lost the actual Joker model in Bushy Park when I was four. Maybe it's still there.
The Scarlet Twins
These two are just creepy. Eugh, they give me the willies. The lifeless blue eyes. The identical poses. They have the dead, emotionless glare of the eternally damned. I bet they're just biding their time until they can strike down and wreak havoc on those who attempt to oppose them. Unfortunately, neither of them will be using their right arms to do this, as there appears to be some sort of structural weakness in the design of these toys which means that they're only allowed to use their left arms to wield their demonic demon-twin powers.
Robin
Seriously, just look at this cunt. Look at his twattish hair and his stupid little half grin and his long arm and his dipshit belt. I hate this toy with a passion. I can't remember ever playing with it (except, apparently, to chew one point of his no-doubt horrible tasting ninja-star). I mean, I haven't even made a makeshift parachute and thrown him off the roof, which I did with that ginger Aliens toy that I hated with an almost equal fervour. Is there anybody out there who likes Robin? He just seems to be the crap foil to Batman. I hope that all the other toys in the toybox hate Robin. I hope they piss in his breakfast milk and throw excrement at him when he goes to school, and then when he comes home again they've broken into his house and kicked his cat to death and set fire to his goldfish and graffitied "ROBIN SUX" all over his late mother's wedding dress. This is my least favourite toy of all time.
Cunt.
Mr Gay
I have no idea. I really don't. Mr Gay (I gave him this name!) just appeared in my action figure collection one day. I don't know when. I don't know how he got there. I just... don't... know.
Is there anybody out there who recognises Mr Gay? Perhaps he was on a TV show at some point? Like Mr Gay UK or World's Manliest Moustaches or What not to wear if you're a homosexual rebel leader about to attack the evil emperor Zorg's HQ? Who knows? Not me.
But you have to admit, he is a saucy fellow. I bet that MR GAY bites his thumb at passing motorists and does little dances on street corners whenever the mood takes him. I love this toy with all my heart. I love his little moustache and the floppiness of his arms and the fact that if you drop him on the floor, however he lands, it looks like a homosexual mating pose. I love his little bra-top thing. That's pretty gay, but I do love him.
But let's be serious here (how many times have I said the word 'seriously' in this post?) If there was a celebrity of my toy-box, it's Mr Gay. He follows me all over the world and I take photos of him next to famous landmarks. In fact, he may soon become a new Chainsawzombie.blogspot.com cliche. Watch out, Blogdog.
OMG!!!
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