The above spiel is actually something I said today. Or nearabouts. It was something like that, punctuated with me punching the wall, throwing the bin across the room, picking up the stuff from the bin that fell on the floor, punching out a coffee mug, and jumping about screaming.
Oh fuck, Word is still open. That explains why my computer keeps oddly freezing. YES, I WANT TO FUCKING FORCE QUIT WORD. NO, PISS OFF. AAAAAAARRRRRRRRFUCKFUCKERYBUGGERCUNT... ok, I finally quit Word. Ha ha, its quitting, spasming in its dying movements. It didn't like that. Look at that, you're not so fucking big NOW, are you, you fucking blue W? Ha HA. I hope its painful and boring in the land of Quitted Applications. I hope its painful and boring and all the other programs hate you and flush your head down the toilet.
I hate Word. With a hatred that burns eternally in my immortal soul. There has never been a purer hate between a boy and a shittily programmed word-processing application than the hatred between me and Word. EVERYTHING IS SO HARD TO ACHIEVE USING THAT FECKEN PROGRAM. I mean, how difficult is it to change ONE picture on a Word document? Not very hard, you would think. Surely it's a matter of seconds to delete one image and replace it with another. BUT NO. It's about on par with Hannibal crossing the Alps with an army of war-elephants. And when I say "Hannibal", I'm referring to Hannibal Lector, as played by Antony Hopkins. After Red Dragon, when he was missing a hand. And wanted by the police. That's how long, difficult, and drawn out a task it was.
But I'm getting ahead of myself. First of all, we have to consider why the picture in question needed changing. It needed changing because it was too big and Hotmail was refusing to attach my Word document to my email to send to myself. But did Hotmail tell me that it was too big? Did it fuck. It just froze up my computer every time I tried to send it. No warning. No 'this file exceeds your attachment limit'. No, the little fucking blue bar just slid to about a third of the way and sat there, the spinning CD of death appeared on my computer and suddenly the mouse worked. Hotmail, you truly are a swindling miserly bastard. AND FUCKING NO, I DON'T WANT A FREE £25 BET ON LEEDS VS WIGAN ON SPORTING ODDS, STOP ASKING ME YOU VILE CUNT. (This post was very nearly entitled "Fuck you, Hotmail". But it's not.)
Because of this, I was forced to send the first of my coursework pieces (the one without the giant picture) with an added message of JUST SEND THE FUCKING EMAIL ALREADY, in the vague hope that Hotmail would somehow notice this and acquiesce to my demand. It didn't. In a trite act of vengeance, I renamed my second piece of coursework "Hotmail is shit". That'll show em.
So then I realised finally by myself that the picture was mysteriously massive. That is odd, I think. It wasn't a 34mb picture when I copied it off the internet originally. But, wait, oh no, it seems that Word has arbitrarily changed it into a huge file without consulting me and... you know what? Fuck it. I can't be bothered. Mr Gay says it best:
It's times like these that I'm glad I have a crappy bootleg copy of Word, stolen from Warner Bros, as opposed to the proper £350 version. Fuck you.
The word "fuck" was used 31 times in this post. And what's really sad is that I had to open Word to count them. Christ on a bike.
EDIT: Following a wide public outcry, here's the first part of this post, with all the swear words replaced with either "Clam" or similar shelled aquatic creatures. The public wants, the public gets. But not in the case of naked pictures of me. Those are staying safely stored away in my sock drawer. Enjoy:
YOU CLAMMING CLAM ALL I CLAMMING WANT TO CLAMMING DO IS TO CLAMMING CHANGE THIS CLAMMING PICTURE ON MY ENGLISH COURSEWORK BUT NO YOU STUPID LIMPET YOU HAVE TO FREEZE UP EVERY CLAMMING TIME I PRESS A SINGLE CLAMMING BUTTON ON MY COMPUTER YOU DUMB CAR-WASH LIMPET GO TO CLAMMING HELL WHERE YOU ROT IN THE FLAMES OF ETERNAL CLAMMING TORTURE AND WILD CLAMMING SNAKES EAT OFF YOUR CLAMMING TOENAILS AND IMPS PEEL OFF YOUR EYELIDS WITH CLAMMING CHOPSTICKS MADE OF RED HOT CLAMMING CHILLI PEPPERS AND LEMONY PENGUINS CRAWL INTO YOUR BARNACLE-EATING MONKEY CLAMMING NOSE AND RIP OUT YOUR NOSTRIL LININGS WITH THEIR BARBED WIRE MUCUS AND ANGRY BLACK TWO YEAR OLDS SLICE UP YOUR ERECT PENIS HEAD WITH CRAFT CLAMMING PAPER. DIE ALREADY.
Thank you, you bunch of limpets.
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