1: Whinging female blog full of discussion of BOYS and TAMPONS and BRAS and HOW HARD IT IS TO BE A GIRL IN THIS MALE ORIENTED WORLD. And how much parents SUCK.
2: Whining male blog full of discussions about politics and how we could easily solve the world's problems with napalm and common sense. Lots of these male bloggers seem to propose common sense to solve all these problems while simultaneously proposing that we just bomb a few arab cities off the map. Interesting.
So I had to decide which category to fulful in order to make this website a REAL BLOG. And I have decided that it's about time that I solved some political problem. Plus, I already told you all about my itchy vaginal rash, the way that MY BREASTS JUST WON'T GROW AS BIG AS STEPH'S and the fact that MY PERIOD WAS ESPECIALLY HEAVY AND I ACCIDENTALLY BLED ON MY GRANDAD'S HEAD AND THEN HE THOUGHT THAT HE WAS BLEEDING OUT OF HIS EARS AGAIN AND THAT THE BRAIN TUMOR HAD COME BACK. So I will not bore you with my female woes any more and will instead go back to tackling some complicated political issues.
Hmmmmmmmm.
Well the main political issue of the day is, of course, the bombing of Lebanon by those filthy jewish bastards. I'm sorry if you find the previous statement offensive, but really, this blog is called "Chainsaw Zombie", what did you expect? A jewish synagogue website? It's a well known fact that no jewish people ever become zombies, and the very idea of a jewish person using a chainsaw, well, it makes me laugh in a neurotic way!!! No, really, I'm sure that there's gotta be some jewish blood running through my blue eyed blonde haired body, which makes it ok for me to rag on those jews as much as I like. And anyway, the other week I was ragging on the paedophiles and THEY didn't complain. So if you are jewish and offended that I called you dirty and insinuated that you were a bastard, I'm sorry. Ragging ragging ragging. Ragging is a cool word. As cool as Fati. Whatever, let me digress.
Now, I'm no political whizz, but from my listening of the half-hourly newsflashes on X-FM, I'm pretty sure that I've developed a highly sophisticated understanding of the whole jew/lebanese question. Basically, the Jews are pissed at the Lebs for some reason that nobody quite understands. Perhaps the lebs stole the jews' lunch money ten years ago and the jews have never quite forgiven them. Perhaps the lebs made a joke about the promiscuity of jews' mother that the jews just didn't appreciate at the time. Perhaps, I don't know, the lebs broke up with their girlfriend, then sat about for six months and then just as the jews were about to ask the girlfriend out, the lebs broke in and proposed that they get back together, and the jews just had to stand there and act like nothing was wrong while the lebs and the girlfriend made out in Bushy Park for like two hours. Whatever the reason, it stands evident that the jews are annoyed at the lebanese for some anonymous reason, and instead of writing it all up spitefully on some anonymous internet blog or bitching behind their back to Iran, they have decided to bomb the shit out of Lebanon. They don't seem to have an aim, they're just doing it for jokes.
At this point, my reading of internet blogs has told me that it is necessary to insert a negative comment about the the UN, along with some quasi-witty comment about their effectiveness . So here goes: THE UN ARE TEH GHEY!!!!! ALL THEY DO IS WRITE LETTERS!!!1! OMG I SHOULD BE A POLITICAL SATIRIST
I suppose that at this point you are asking why I care so much about this issue. Well you may not be. You may be just a dyslexic guy who thinks he's reading about lawnmowers, or a blind guy who is just wildly hoping that he's managed to stumble across some porn. Whatever - you people don't matter. I'm going to tell you anyway, and not just because it's a good way to fill space in a post that I see going nowhere. It also gives me an opportunity to boast about my sexually attractive qualities. Basically, as the situation stands, my GIRLFRIEND (that's right I have a buff girlfriend to go with my hilariously witty sense of humour I'm basically the best guy in the world and if only somebody would deign to give me a job my life would be complete) is in Cyprus, on holiday. Now, she has promised to be faithful to me and I have welded her knees together in any case. That is not what worries me. What worries me is the fact that CYPRUS IS ONLY A HUNDRED MILES AWAY FROM LEBANON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This is a worry for several reasons, the most important being the fact that people from jewziland are notoriously bad shots, and they could easily just totally miss Lebanon and blow my GIRLFRIEND's nicely proportioned head right off her shouders by accident. I have compiled a theoretical example of what'd happen if such a catastrophe were to take place. NB: My knowledge of Middle-Eastern geography is not my strongest point:
I shudder to think of the effort it'd be to get a new girlfriend if such a thing were to happen, so I feel that it is in everyone's best interests to figure out how to solve this problem as quickly and excitingly as possible. Usually I would advocate a measured system of international relations and treaties and shit, but my detailed research of internet blogs has led me to believe that the correct response is to just blame everything on George Bush:
This picture is filled with metaphors.
It's all Bush's fault that all the Arabs keep having bitchy little fights with each other. Him and his oil. I bet that Bush has a huge lake made out of oil in his back garden. Because that's what he does. He hoards all the oil for himself. That's why he is so pro-oil. Because he is the only person who uses it. The rest of America - oh no, they don't touch the stuff. The ONLY reason that Bush likes oil so much is that he likes to strip naked and dance about in it. That's it. Not the selfish American dependence on the car. Oh no. Just the naked oil-dancing. Occasionally he invites his two semi-buff daughers to strip down to their lingerie and wrestle in oily jelly for the entertainment of the rest of Congress. BASTARD.
And of course, the reason that Bush is so pro-oil is somehow linked to the evil jews who live in Washington and control him via a complicated system of pulleys and levers that they secretly attach intricately into his back. You know why you never see George Bush's back while he's making a speech? Because his back is filled with wires and string that are manipulated expertly by a tiny little jewish puppeteer who sits in the back of Bush's left knee. This explains why the rostrum behind which Bush speaks always has armour coating on the left side. It also explains why America is so pro-Israel. Puppets. Fucking puppets.
I have no idea what I'm talking about. I really have no clue. So I had better conclude soon before anybody realises that I'm an absolute fraud. To be honest, my basic plan is that we build a huge mousetrap in the middle of America. But instead of cheese, we fill it with jew gold and money. Then all the jews will come and try to steal the money from the mousetrap, which is when we set it off, thus dropping a huge net over their heads. But instead of rope, it will be a net made out of HAM. That oughta stop those pesky semites. Then, while they are busy oy-oying and speaking their funny talk, we can unplug George Bush and persuade him to nuke the entire Middle East off the map. After that, I suspect that everything else will work itself out quite nicely. But if he's going to nuke em, at least he should wait until my girlfriend and her parents have been safely transported out of Cyprus. Then, yeah, go wild.
So in conclusion: Politics suck and I don't even know why I started typing this. I might have been drunk. Hmm.
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