Mermaid Wishes and Hip-Hop Dreams.

Oh Christmas. I'm not a person who especially cares for Christmas. I love Jesus, baby Jesus, and the fact that peppermint comes on everything for an entire month. Other that that...I rarely get excited about it.

Until this year. Oh yes. I had three separate Christmas dreams come true this year. Dare I call them...Christmas miracles.

First I found this. http://popwatch.ew.com/2011/12/22/r-kelly-trapped-closet-new-chapters/

Please note the pinky ring.

In case you're too lazy to read the article, I will debrief you here. R. Kelly is writing 32 new chapters of the world's greatest hip-hopera Trapped In The Closet. Joy overcomes me. 32 chapters is more than the original installment. My heart starts racing as I imagine who, now, will be trapped in the closet with Sir Robert Kelly. Will there be more midgets? Will they crap their pants? Does R. Kelly still sport the Beretta? What kind of accents could he possibly sing in this time? Will he still sing his own bleeps? I just can't wait. My prayer is that the project gets picked up by a studio and this business gets shot in 3d. You might say I dream too big but I guess that's why it's called a dream.

Still on my TIAC anticipatoin high I stumbled upon this piece of rad.

Am I awful for also wanting an I Am Stephen Hawking mic?

The I Am T-Pain mic. I found it as I was searching for legos for my nephew. I just paused for a moment. Speechless. Once again my imagination got the best of me and I just thought about all the awesome places I could use my mic. Like in the drive thru for Los Hermanos. "Heeeey shaaWWWTAaaaAAAYYYyyy, caaaAAnn I get a nnnUUUuummmMMMeeeRRooo dddDDoooOss." Or while I'm telling telling my friends about what I did over the weekend. "I ssSsaAAwwW this documeeeEEnnTttAaaRrryyyy on dddOOOOlllppPPhhhIIns, shaawWWWttTTaaaAAAyyy."

(If you're trying to figure out what's going on with that font, that was the best way I could think to type out synthesizer voice. If you've got a better idea I'm all ears.)

Last but not least came the real doozy. This is when I became certain that not only was there a God who loves me...but he clearly has been reading my diary. I must thank my beautiful friend Melissa for telling me about this. Watch this brief video from Mermagica.com and then we'll discuss.
 

Okay. Now I hope I didn't lose you with that mostly creepy video. Those long, awkward, underwater scenes give me that same tense feeling I get when watching foreign films. The feeling of not knowing if something is meant to be ironic or suspenseful or interesting or if something is just lost in translation. And really, Mermagica? No one could track down someone over the age of 39 to play a grandma during an afternoon-long photo shoot? I would have an easier time believing this was a young girl talking to Oprah than her own grandmother. And as a representative of the insurance industry I must make it clear that I in no way condone keeping sea shells at the bottom of your pool. That is a hefty med pay claim looking for a place to happen.

But I digress.

To the innovative team at Mermagica I only have one criticism of your actual product: Where’s the one piece? This mermaid likes to keep the area above her fin and below her sea shells a mystery. If you can’t make the mermaid leotard my mom’s going to make me wear a white t-shirt underneath.

Mom was concerned about me showing too much shoulder skin.
 Not so worried about making sure my wig was straight.

I can’t take that kind of embarrassment again. Come on, Mermagica. Help a fish-like lady out. Also something to think about…wigs that won’t float off under water. There's really no point of having a mermaid tail if I can't accompany it with beautiful red hair.

I mean Wynonna Judd found a way to make her dreams come true. You can't tell me this look isn't Ariel inspired.

Can I just tell you how much happier I am living in a world where these things exist? May it be Christmas every day in our hearts!