Aww, Why You Wanna Racist Appliances?

EADJ Semi-regular Fashion Write-Up

I'm sure the greatest challenge is some social circles is to find the ugliest coat on the discount fur rack and just work it like it's never been worked before.

Gerbil fur with pin stripes? FUCK IT. Put on some multi-buckle knee-high boots and a leather messenger bag and just MAKE THAT FUCKIN' THING WORK, GODDAMMIT.

"Excuse me, my good fellow! Please pardon the intrusion, but I seem to be turned around here! If you could be so good as to direct me to the Montclair-Boonton train, which from my understanding is scheduled to depart this very station at precisely 4:12 pm– oh, excuse me madam- and whose boarding should have been announced a good 3 minutes ago according to my pocketwatch... You see, I am running late for an old fashioned fishmongers convention, yes, I sell haddock in Cheshire back in 1920's England. Oh. I see you are holding a coffee cup full of your own urine. I shall bid my leave now. A good morrow to you, stranger!"

Spotted in New York. Obviously.

When Mom told you to dress in layers, she didn't mean a hoodie under a tank top over a t-shirt over leggings with a scarf and fanny pack and a what the fuck is going on here. Who told this lady to wear an entire yard sale? No, wait. Does that tank top have a hood? And if this clarifies anything for you, yes, I did hear her speak in an English accent.

Just so you know, there's nude leggings, and then there's really nude leggings. And I am not kidding you– I spotted Slim Goodbody here in front of the Fashion Institute of Technology.

Hey dude, you probably think you look like Kris Kristofferson in "Blade," but the truth is you look like Wilford Brimley at a leather bar. Or maybe he's a swashbuckling rogue with the umbrella? Pain.

Spotted at the Jersey Shore- one of the biggest and grodiest fucking white woman dreadlocks I have ever witnessed up close. I'm pretty sure raccoons would skitter away from how unsanitary that thing is.

And if you look closely at this photo, you can also catch some sandals and socks action as well as a really huge ass in the background. Bonus!

Aquarium Baby Float

Baby float. Baby float cuz baby want to float, not because some marketing team decided that baby needs to be introduced to water. Baby knows what water is, dumbasses– baby drinks that shit in formula all the fuckin' time.

And you know what? Baby float whether you install a new reinforced safety seat or not. Baby could give a shit. Safety seat is unnecessary precaution. We all gotta die someday. Baby float.

"Built-in aquarium?!" What the shit for? Baby already in water. Baby float in water with plenty to look at. Baby don't need to look INSIDE float to see water. Why the shit would baby want to do that? My First Corporation marketing team is fucked in the head.

Baby think the My First Corporation ad executives are starting to worry about their jobs due to lagging economy. Executives invent new dumb bullshit to justify their startlingly high paychecks- justify their long meetings and expensive lunches.

Listen, baby float. Baby only want float and baby don't appreciate gilding the lily. Gilding the float. Whatever. Baby don't need introduction to water, reinforced safety seat or built-in aquarium. Baby just need float.

Baby out.

Coming Soon To The EADJ Crappinema: Vipers, Starring Tara Reid

Tara Reid and Vipers. Taglines like "After the SLITHER comes the SLAUGHTER." What is not to love, my friends. What is not to love.

Exit Sign Played A Song From His Homeland

Exit Sign played a song from his homeland.


Melting Snow enjoyed it.


And so did Basketball Goal.


Winter Coat Sleeve was, frankly, shocked.


Knife Ad was also mortified.


Fire Department Connection was unmoved.


Neither end of the iPod cord knew what to think.


Two Luggage Wheels heckled from the back.


Brick Entrance was shocked.


Backseat Radio couldn't wait to tell everyone.


Grey Roller kept his mouth shut.


Faucet quacked their disapproval.


Eventually, by the fourth song, Fire Department Connection was moved to tears.

The ProofrEADJer, November Edition

And now for another segment where we take people's honest mistakes and blow them out of proportion to make us feel better about ourselves.



















This was supposed to read "Diet Pepsi:"

Let's Snort Cocaine Off the EADJ Mail Sack!

Submitted by my brother Jay, a Facebook post that also doubles as a Rorschach test:


"OMG....I soooo thought that the picture was something else at first glance. Geez, the innocence is all gone."