Once again, I can't be bothered.
Yours truly: Gain the guard's attention with the hankie. Then, set up the lava lamp to give your cell a groovy look. Then play strip poker with him, but cheat by looking at his cards in the reflection of the lava lamp. Then steal his keys, lock him naked in the neighbouring cell with a bunch of sex starved inmates, then sit back and cackle madly. Tee hee. Oh yeah, then run away.
Ben-Ben-Benny-Benny-Ben-Ben: Light the cards and with the hankie go: "Argh! Help Help! I'm dying!" Then the jail officers come and go "Ooo no! Can't let that happen!" Then you hit the guards and run.
Roxxxxxxxxay: Take the hankie, stick it up your nose - left side preferably. This will soak up all the grey matter in your head, leaving you with nothing but a pot of peanut butter (the crunchy kind). Using this, you can mate the peanut butter with the lava lamp to make tiny gremlin babies with ears. Oh yes, ears. Buy playing cards with your new gremlin babies, you can cheat as much as possible. This causes them to overheat and explode, thus blowing up the jail cell and setting you FREE. Don't forget the gremlins though....
Cassoid: I would knock on the door, so that the guard would come, and then throw the cards at his face to create a diversion whilst I blow up the entire building with the lava lamp, as it is not actually a lava lamp, but a very pretty bomb. The hanky is useless.
Bertie: Shuffle the cards, play poker against the hankie. Place the lava lamp as a deal that if you win he gets to keep it and you get the hankie. If you lose, just murder the hankie and keep him anyway. A simple, yet effective plan.
Duckface: WHY THE HELL WOULD U WANT TO ESCAPE? THATS ENOUGH TO KEEP U HAPPY FOR A LIFE TIME!
The Unholy Monster-Demon Of Stevoid: Leave the lava lamp on until it gets really hot and set fire to the pack of cards with it. Decide to burn yourself to death and there is obviously no way of getting out. Use the damp hankie in case you change my mind half-way through.
Mike: Well first of all, I'd put the damp hanky in the lava lamp. This would cause a chemical reaction to occur, a very dangerous chemical reaction. So I would then throw the lava lamp into the wall causing a great explosion. Then 'cos the cards are plastic coated, they are dangerous. I could chop off people's heads if they stopped me from escaping.
Luciador: Well, I guess you'd probably have to build a card tower from the pack of cards, climb up it with the lava lamp, drop it so it smashed and freed the never ending flow of molten maga inside, then sit back and watch as the fluorescent lava melts through the wall of the cell. Then, you'd simply put the hanky over your mouth to protect from the noxious fumes and deadly pyroclastic flow, slide down the card tower and kind of surf on it to freedom.
Kris: Ask for the key.
Ahahhaha. I love Kris, now. She's like a sweet little Russian chipmunk.
Man, what a total shambles that was. I never knew what a fucked up idea of the basic principles of science my friends have. Oh well.
Zombie decapitator: A pack of DEADLY playing cards!
Monday, February 28, 2005
There needs to be more violence on television.
Yep, I think I've pretty much said it all.
Ok, I shall elaborate:
There needs to be more violence on television, and in particular, Cartoons.
Seriously. Cartoons nowadays are so fucking pussy. I turned to a cartoon today and it was some lameo ardvark feeling guilty because he'd broken his mother's vase or something. Booo. In fact, I have noticed a distinct difference between the cartoons of today and the cartoons of yesteryear. It basically follows a very subtle plotline subtelty that may be unnoticeable to all but the most devoted studiers of literature:
New cartoons: Usually, Character A does something bad involving character B (but not too bad, he just slightly disobeys B or something pussy like that) then he feels guilty/suffers the consequences of it and then he apologises to B, and they all have a big homosexual makeout session while pontiferating on the lesson they've learnt. These lessons are usually a POORLY disguised moral, ie: Never Lie, Don't play with matches, Don't make fun of people, Act Nice To Everyone.
NB: These cartoons are in no way funny or entertaining.
Old Cartoons: Usually, Character A is trying to KILL Character B. Character B is trying to not get killed. It ends with Character A having failed and being seriously injured. No message.
NB: These cartoons are usually fuckin' hilarious
Notice the difference? I know it's subtle and hard to notice for the dipshits who actually waste their time reading this, but IT'S THERE. In fact, let's simplify this even more:
TOM AND JERRY = FUNNY
ARTHUR THE PUSSY DIPSHIT AARDVARK = NOT FUNNY
Am I right? Of course I am, I'm ME. And BAM, this brings me onto the next thing that's pissing me off: Apparently, Warner Bro's have gone back and censored all the violence out of their old cartoons, as well as taking all the speech impediments off Daffy, Elmer, and Porky. The duck, the man, and the pig. Yeah, cos people are insulted by speech impediments. SPEECH IMPEDIMENTS ARE FUNNY. VIOLENCE TO ANIMALS IS FUNNY. Morals about not lying are, to date, not funny. Man, you fucking retards.
I mean, HONESTLY. What's the worst thing that's going to happen if some precious American kiddie watches Jerry beating the livin' shit outta Tom? I bet there are some cunts out there who think that it'll lead to him pickin' up a machine gun and shootin' his way through his school. Screw it, it doesn't matter. As George Carlin said, back in the olden days, that used to happen all the time and they just went on with their sums.
"Twenty four classmates... minus two..."
Hahahhahahhahaa.
Wait, where was I? OH YES. I watched violence in cartoons all the time, and it didn't screw me up. Well, actually, it probably did, but I watched my way through Tom v Jerry, Roadrunner v Coyote and Tweety v Sylvester, I laughed damn hard, and now I'm a sane member of society. Instead, what with all your moral bullshit nowadays, you will end up with a race of pussy children who cry like babies the first time they see a cat getting dynamited.
And ANOTHER THING (woah, this is turning into a full-scale rant). There need to be more references to explicit things in cartoons. I'm thinking drugs, sex, etc. References are funny, as long as they're not totally explicit. And where's the dipshit who said that drug references are bad for kids? I want to stuff your head into a big vat of vinegar until you die to death.
Let's do a role play. Little Jimmy is watching The Magic Roundabout, when he sees the bit with Dougal and the room full of 'sugar' WINK WINK. Here are the two possible outcomes:
a: Jimmy doesn't get the reference. The little moron actually think's its about sugar. NO HARM DONE.
b: Jimmy gets the LSD reference. He already knew about drugs. Therefore, he isn't gonna be warped by something HE ALREADY KNEW ABOUT.
So shut up, already.
Zombie killer: A safe. Dropped from a great height.
Ok, I shall elaborate:
There needs to be more violence on television, and in particular, Cartoons.
Seriously. Cartoons nowadays are so fucking pussy. I turned to a cartoon today and it was some lameo ardvark feeling guilty because he'd broken his mother's vase or something. Booo. In fact, I have noticed a distinct difference between the cartoons of today and the cartoons of yesteryear. It basically follows a very subtle plotline subtelty that may be unnoticeable to all but the most devoted studiers of literature:
New cartoons: Usually, Character A does something bad involving character B (but not too bad, he just slightly disobeys B or something pussy like that) then he feels guilty/suffers the consequences of it and then he apologises to B, and they all have a big homosexual makeout session while pontiferating on the lesson they've learnt. These lessons are usually a POORLY disguised moral, ie: Never Lie, Don't play with matches, Don't make fun of people, Act Nice To Everyone.
NB: These cartoons are in no way funny or entertaining.
Old Cartoons: Usually, Character A is trying to KILL Character B. Character B is trying to not get killed. It ends with Character A having failed and being seriously injured. No message.
NB: These cartoons are usually fuckin' hilarious
Notice the difference? I know it's subtle and hard to notice for the dipshits who actually waste their time reading this, but IT'S THERE. In fact, let's simplify this even more:
TOM AND JERRY = FUNNY
ARTHUR THE PUSSY DIPSHIT AARDVARK = NOT FUNNY
Am I right? Of course I am, I'm ME. And BAM, this brings me onto the next thing that's pissing me off: Apparently, Warner Bro's have gone back and censored all the violence out of their old cartoons, as well as taking all the speech impediments off Daffy, Elmer, and Porky. The duck, the man, and the pig. Yeah, cos people are insulted by speech impediments. SPEECH IMPEDIMENTS ARE FUNNY. VIOLENCE TO ANIMALS IS FUNNY. Morals about not lying are, to date, not funny. Man, you fucking retards.
I mean, HONESTLY. What's the worst thing that's going to happen if some precious American kiddie watches Jerry beating the livin' shit outta Tom? I bet there are some cunts out there who think that it'll lead to him pickin' up a machine gun and shootin' his way through his school. Screw it, it doesn't matter. As George Carlin said, back in the olden days, that used to happen all the time and they just went on with their sums.
"Twenty four classmates... minus two..."
Hahahhahahhahaa.
Wait, where was I? OH YES. I watched violence in cartoons all the time, and it didn't screw me up. Well, actually, it probably did, but I watched my way through Tom v Jerry, Roadrunner v Coyote and Tweety v Sylvester, I laughed damn hard, and now I'm a sane member of society. Instead, what with all your moral bullshit nowadays, you will end up with a race of pussy children who cry like babies the first time they see a cat getting dynamited.
And ANOTHER THING (woah, this is turning into a full-scale rant). There need to be more references to explicit things in cartoons. I'm thinking drugs, sex, etc. References are funny, as long as they're not totally explicit. And where's the dipshit who said that drug references are bad for kids? I want to stuff your head into a big vat of vinegar until you die to death.
Let's do a role play. Little Jimmy is watching The Magic Roundabout, when he sees the bit with Dougal and the room full of 'sugar' WINK WINK. Here are the two possible outcomes:
a: Jimmy doesn't get the reference. The little moron actually think's its about sugar. NO HARM DONE.
b: Jimmy gets the LSD reference. He already knew about drugs. Therefore, he isn't gonna be warped by something HE ALREADY KNEW ABOUT.
So shut up, already.
Zombie killer: A safe. Dropped from a great height.
Saturday, February 26, 2005
The Call of the Boatie
Today I went to Worcester head of the river (It's pronounced "Woosta", not "Wor - ses - ter", which is how I was saying it all day... stupid town) today with my boatie crew. After getting up at 6, long journey in a very warm coach and some other stuff, I go onto my real subject of debate: Braveheart.
What a total travesty that film is. Why does everyone love it so much? We were watching it on the coach ride home, and I managed to finish reading 'One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest', stare blindly around the coach, rearrange my underwear AND fall into a deep sleep AND IT WAS STILL GOING ON. I doze off. What do I see before I snooze off? A man in a kilt standing in a muddy field talking. I wake up. What do I see? A man in a kilt standing in a muddy room talking. Grr.
Here is a condensed version of Braveheart. Imagine it stretched out into its full 7 hour length:
Mel: I'm a wee simple farmer. I don't want to fight.
*Kills lots of soldiers*
Cut to: Mel in a field full of men:
Mel Gibson: Freedom, lads!
Army: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR.
Mel: ARRRRRRR.
Army: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR.
Cut to: The English King
English king: HEIL HITLER!
*does a salute*
We notice that he has devil horns, glowing red eyes and is wearing swastikas.
English King's son: I'm an evil homosexual, out to corrupt the manly men of Scotland. What shall we do now, father?
King: MWHAHAHAHAH. Let's burn down the children's hospital.
Son: Yes, let's, as we are english and evil.
*Both cackle madly*
Cut to: Mel Gibson in front of some Scots
Scots: Let's go home, as we are hopelessly outnumbered AND we are just scots. We are SO the underdog. Let's just give up.
Mel: No way! Freedom freedom freedom freedom freedom freedom courage freedom freedom freedom Scotland freedom freedom freedom freedom freedom SCOTLAND!
Scots: YAR!
Mel: YAAAAAAAAAAR!
Scots: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR!
Cut to: English King
King: MWAHAHAHAH!
*throws a baby into the fire*
King: Let's invade Scotland and burn everything down!
Son: Yes, lets! But father... what about the women and children? Do we burn them too?
King: ESPECIALLY the women and children! Mwahhaha. But before we burn them... lets rape them!
Son: MWAHA!
Father: MWAHAHHA!
*they high five and go back to shooting Jews from the balcony*
Cut to: Mel being tortured
Torturer: No freedom!
Mel: Freedom!
*torturer cuts off Mel's limbs*
Torturer: No freedom!
Mel: Freeeeedom!
Torturer: Shut up, you twat. You're not even Scottish.
Mel: Yes I am! Wee. Yar.
Torturer: Piss off, you australian.
Mel: For the last fucking time, I'm not australian. I'm american! Oh, shit.
Torturer: Aha!
*Beats Mel to death with a digereedoo*
*The Australian kickboxing team parachute in and start breakdancing to 'Kung Fu Fighting'. Everybody, including Mel, leaps up and starts doin the batman dance*
OH SHIT. I just heard that the little midget in Kingston was murdered today. This is not cool news. He was like a fucking national treasure. More on this story if I can be bothered.
Zombie killer; Rock, thrown by Mel.
What a total travesty that film is. Why does everyone love it so much? We were watching it on the coach ride home, and I managed to finish reading 'One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest', stare blindly around the coach, rearrange my underwear AND fall into a deep sleep AND IT WAS STILL GOING ON. I doze off. What do I see before I snooze off? A man in a kilt standing in a muddy field talking. I wake up. What do I see? A man in a kilt standing in a muddy room talking. Grr.
Here is a condensed version of Braveheart. Imagine it stretched out into its full 7 hour length:
Mel: I'm a wee simple farmer. I don't want to fight.
*Kills lots of soldiers*
Cut to: Mel in a field full of men:
Mel Gibson: Freedom, lads!
Army: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR.
Mel: ARRRRRRR.
Army: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR.
Cut to: The English King
English king: HEIL HITLER!
*does a salute*
We notice that he has devil horns, glowing red eyes and is wearing swastikas.
English King's son: I'm an evil homosexual, out to corrupt the manly men of Scotland. What shall we do now, father?
King: MWHAHAHAHAH. Let's burn down the children's hospital.
Son: Yes, let's, as we are english and evil.
*Both cackle madly*
Cut to: Mel Gibson in front of some Scots
Scots: Let's go home, as we are hopelessly outnumbered AND we are just scots. We are SO the underdog. Let's just give up.
Mel: No way! Freedom freedom freedom freedom freedom freedom courage freedom freedom freedom Scotland freedom freedom freedom freedom freedom SCOTLAND!
Scots: YAR!
Mel: YAAAAAAAAAAR!
Scots: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR!
Cut to: English King
King: MWAHAHAHAH!
*throws a baby into the fire*
King: Let's invade Scotland and burn everything down!
Son: Yes, lets! But father... what about the women and children? Do we burn them too?
King: ESPECIALLY the women and children! Mwahhaha. But before we burn them... lets rape them!
Son: MWAHA!
Father: MWAHAHHA!
*they high five and go back to shooting Jews from the balcony*
Cut to: Mel being tortured
Torturer: No freedom!
Mel: Freedom!
*torturer cuts off Mel's limbs*
Torturer: No freedom!
Mel: Freeeeedom!
Torturer: Shut up, you twat. You're not even Scottish.
Mel: Yes I am! Wee. Yar.
Torturer: Piss off, you australian.
Mel: For the last fucking time, I'm not australian. I'm american! Oh, shit.
Torturer: Aha!
*Beats Mel to death with a digereedoo*
*The Australian kickboxing team parachute in and start breakdancing to 'Kung Fu Fighting'. Everybody, including Mel, leaps up and starts doin the batman dance*
OH SHIT. I just heard that the little midget in Kingston was murdered today. This is not cool news. He was like a fucking national treasure. More on this story if I can be bothered.
Zombie killer; Rock, thrown by Mel.
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