Today I went to Worcester head of the river (It's pronounced "Woosta", not "Wor - ses - ter", which is how I was saying it all day... stupid town) today with my boatie crew. After getting up at 6, long journey in a very warm coach and some other stuff, I go onto my real subject of debate: Braveheart.
What a total travesty that film is. Why does everyone love it so much? We were watching it on the coach ride home, and I managed to finish reading 'One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest', stare blindly around the coach, rearrange my underwear AND fall into a deep sleep AND IT WAS STILL GOING ON. I doze off. What do I see before I snooze off? A man in a kilt standing in a muddy field talking. I wake up. What do I see? A man in a kilt standing in a muddy room talking. Grr.
Here is a condensed version of Braveheart. Imagine it stretched out into its full 7 hour length:
Mel: I'm a wee simple farmer. I don't want to fight.
*Kills lots of soldiers*
Cut to: Mel in a field full of men:
Mel Gibson: Freedom, lads!
Army: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR.
Mel: ARRRRRRR.
Army: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR.
Cut to: The English King
English king: HEIL HITLER!
*does a salute*
We notice that he has devil horns, glowing red eyes and is wearing swastikas.
English King's son: I'm an evil homosexual, out to corrupt the manly men of Scotland. What shall we do now, father?
King: MWHAHAHAHAH. Let's burn down the children's hospital.
Son: Yes, let's, as we are english and evil.
*Both cackle madly*
Cut to: Mel Gibson in front of some Scots
Scots: Let's go home, as we are hopelessly outnumbered AND we are just scots. We are SO the underdog. Let's just give up.
Mel: No way! Freedom freedom freedom freedom freedom freedom courage freedom freedom freedom Scotland freedom freedom freedom freedom freedom SCOTLAND!
Scots: YAR!
Mel: YAAAAAAAAAAR!
Scots: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR!
Cut to: English King
King: MWAHAHAHAH!
*throws a baby into the fire*
King: Let's invade Scotland and burn everything down!
Son: Yes, lets! But father... what about the women and children? Do we burn them too?
King: ESPECIALLY the women and children! Mwahhaha. But before we burn them... lets rape them!
Son: MWAHA!
Father: MWAHAHHA!
*they high five and go back to shooting Jews from the balcony*
Cut to: Mel being tortured
Torturer: No freedom!
Mel: Freedom!
*torturer cuts off Mel's limbs*
Torturer: No freedom!
Mel: Freeeeedom!
Torturer: Shut up, you twat. You're not even Scottish.
Mel: Yes I am! Wee. Yar.
Torturer: Piss off, you australian.
Mel: For the last fucking time, I'm not australian. I'm american! Oh, shit.
Torturer: Aha!
*Beats Mel to death with a digereedoo*
*The Australian kickboxing team parachute in and start breakdancing to 'Kung Fu Fighting'. Everybody, including Mel, leaps up and starts doin the batman dance*
OH SHIT. I just heard that the little midget in Kingston was murdered today. This is not cool news. He was like a fucking national treasure. More on this story if I can be bothered.
Zombie killer; Rock, thrown by Mel.
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