Hmm. I am faced with a difficult decision.
After taking on pro-paedophile (weirdos), anti-paedophiles (jerks), paedophiles in general (awesome), zit fetishists (disgusting) and bestiality enthusiasts (hairy) in previous blogs, I now have to make the tricky decision as to which world problem I solve next. This problem is more difficult than it would seem; there's only one of me to combat all the pain and horror in the world, and I also have to revise for my French and Advanced English exams. My time is short, and I have so much to give the world. After a lot of soul searching, I decided that racism should be my next big target.
Why racism? Why not AIDS, necrophilia, or genocide? All of those are equally hilarious subjects - why have I decided to take on the racists? The answer to that is simple: I too have suffered at the hands of the prejudiced. As a black jewish Shiite, I feel that I can really emphasise with the minorities in this case. And it's not like the problem of racism is getting better. IF ANYTHING IT'S GETTING WORSE. I mean, I was sitting on the train the other day, reading the Metro, and I came across a news story which simultaneously both shocked, disgusted AND AROUSED me. I mean, just look at this shit:
Disgusting. I mean, look at the expression on that black kid's fat little face. He's so sad. HE WANTED TO BE A HUNTER. He wanted to stalk the forest shooting wild animals, as is his right as a human being, and instead he has to huddle at the top of the trees, eating bananas and throwing his poo at other black people. Christ, I had no idea that instituationalised racism was still such a prevalent issue in our schools and theatres. I have a right mind to write a mean letter to somebody. Of course, I could understand if the teachers had some reasonable explanation for casting the only two black kids in the year as monkeys, but I can't imagine what that could be...
Historical accuracy
Back in the time when the play is set, there were no black hunters. All the hunters were white landowners. The black people only existed to wear little fezes and bellhop uniforms, and to dance around with chains tied round their necks to the tune of an organ-grinder. I'm not being racist - THAT'S THE HISTORICAL TRUTH. So the teachers wanted a little historical accuracy in their play... CAN YOU BLAME THEM? I guess the parents woulda been upset if it had been a school play of Anne Frank and their son didn't get cast as Adolf Hitler. ADOLF HITLER WASN'T BLACK. He was Spanish. You can't fuck about with history just to appease the minorities: FACT.
The teachers were all drunk
Basically, they all got totally pissed in the staffroom and came up with a the idea to cast the black kids as monkeys. Then they drank some more and just said LET'S DO IT WOOOOO!!!! and high-fived each other. And then when the drama teacher posted the list of roles up on the notice board with "Umbongo" and "Myles" as apes, everyone goes "I CAN'T BELIEVE SHE DID IT THAT'S SO AWESOME" and did that thing where you jump towards another person and bang chests in mid-air. Man I wish the teachers in my school were as awesome as the jokers that make up the staff of Ashley Downes Syndrome school.
It was ironic racism
Basically, they were being cleverly post-modern. Then when people complained they could just adopt a really condescending tone and say "I WAS BEING IRONIC". Then they could dress up in minstrel makeup, dance around singing "I AM A GOLLYWOG, WOLLY-GOLLY-WOLLY-GOG", and act really offended if anybody complained, citing it as a sad example of our overly liberal increasingly PC society. God damn. Can't people see that it's IRONY and thus we can say whatever we want!!!!!!! I reckon you could get away with doing anything just through the excuse of irony. "Charles Manson you are sentenced to fifteen life imprisonments in jail for murdering lots of people " "But guv I was being ironic! The murder was postmodern!" "Oh, I see. You were just PRETENDING to murder them to make a scatological choice, and you ended up murdering them anyway due to irony!" "Yeah, Irony!" "Go Irony! Charles Manson, you can go free!" "YEAH!"
Court would be awesome if it was really like that. So yeah, I think the teachers were just being ironic and the parents just didn't get the sophisticated humour. But can you blame them? They're black, it's a wonder they can even read.
Those are the only possible excuses I can think of for this appalling behaviour. But how can I combat racism? With protests? Political action? Vigilante extremism? NO. I'll just make fun of some random people on the internet like I always do. It has proven results of making me feel like a big man.
My idea is that I go all undercover reporter and ingratiate myself with a capricious group of gringo whitebread sausagemeat cracker flourbaby honkey motherfuckers, for example the Nobel Prizewinners over at Tight Rope, the number one website for people who would fellatiate Goebbels. I'd give myself a really neat racist username, like Hitler_was_neat, or Iluv2lynch or just something moody like tiny_penis_whiteboy and I'd pretend that I'm a 33 year old unemployed neo-nazi skinhead from Slough called Patrick who spends his days listening to Prussian Blue and setting fire to statues of Martin Luthor King Jr (except I'd call him Martin Lutor King KONG cos I'm so cool). Then I would somehow manage to ironically cuss them all to the floor and they'd be forced to change their ways and become black rap stars due to the burning power of my cussitude.
That would be PERFIC, I'd be simultaneously changing the world AND getting myself signed up and then permabanned from yet another uber-extreme hate site! This is gonna RULE!!!! Or not, I might just lose interest in that whole idea. Fuck black people, they can go sort out their own problems. I have enough on my plate. My love life has turned... interesting again, and I have keep getting these horrific conceptual mind-rushes of emotional revelational clarity. Like, I was watching Dr Who, and I suddenly had a terrifying mind-flash about how different the world will be in 2012. THINK OF ALL THE HISTORY AND SHIT THAT HAS OCCURED IN THE PAST SIX YEARS. AND IT WILL ALL HAPPEN GRADUALLY AND WE WON'T NOTICE AND HOLY SHIT WHAT AM I TALKING ABOUT.
You know, this post started off as just me posting a cartoon and saying 'Fuck this, this is all the blog you're getting'. And look what you've got: racism, newspaper clippings, drunk teachers, action against neo-nazis, philosophy, time travel, porn... and A CRAPPILY DRAWN CARTOON! You've really lucked out here. And I haven't done any French revision yet. Fuck, my exam is on Tuesday.
Tune in in about three days, when Emoboy's shocking origins are revealed through some sort of flashback style literary device. I don't know exactly what it'll involve but I'm sure that it will be awesome. When you find out who he really is under the hair, you will be both shocked and appalled. I don't think I'm giving anything away when I say that the big reveal is gonna be great.
Clamtastic!
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