However, when you look at many of the other searches highlighted on sitemeter, that pride swiftly evaporates like a fresh morning dew, to be replaced by the clodden vomit of late night disgust and revulsion. I mean, in the past few days alone, the following searches have been made on various internet search engines to reach this haven of entertainment:
- Lardo Washer Dryer
- Regrow Tonsils
- Bruise on End of Penis STI
- Forced panty wetting
- Girls still sucking milk from momma's breast
- Horse porn
(If you came here specifically for the shetland pony masterclass, don't worry, I haven't forgotten you. Keep reading... I'll probably get round to it by Saturday)
I actually felt somewhat violated that I'd had real live perverts on this blog. I mean, it's the first time I've come into contact with this sort of thing; I thought internet perverts were just make-believe monsters to scare children, kind of like Boogiemen, black people, or the Pope. I guess I was wrong. WHY HAVEN'T WE YOUNG PEOPLE BEEN WARNED THAT THERE MIGHT BE SEXUAL PREDATORS ON THE INTERNET? I seriously don't think that I have even once been told repeatedly about the risks by some moronic children's television presenter or quasi-hardhitting documentary. There should be more advertisements up telling us the dangers of talking to strange men online, because, Christ, I have yet to digest that message, what with the total lack of media attention to this urgent and pressing problem. You know what I think we need? Some sort of huge advert on Hotmail that features a girl smiling and saying "I met up with somebody I met online" but then she RIPS OFF HER FACE to reveal a sad girl saying "I GOT RAPED BY SOMEONE I MET ONLINE". And they should play that advert every time I go onto Hotmail and lock up my computer. And then every time I go onto Hotmail it freezes I'm forced to watch that advert like seven times until my computer unfreezes and I can to go my inbox and discover that it was just a newsletter from Play.com or something. That would rule. An advert using that sort of technique would be really hardhitting and effective, you know? It'd stop the sexual predators in their greasy little tracks. Oh, if only.
But until the time comes when the government realises that literally millions of children are being kidnapped every day by internet paedophiles, we need our own system of protection; gunslingers of the internet, lone wolves who stop at nothing to hunt down and exterminate these pathetic wastes of flesh who want to destroy the lives of young girls by having consensual cyber-sex with them. We need some modern day Achilleses to pierce the breastplates of these foul, inhuman monsters with their spears of riteous revenge and their barbs of well-placed cutting comments. I mean, to exemplify, the brave and hearty souls of retribution and protection at my new number one favourite website on the entire internet, Perverted-Justice.com.
The guys and gals at Perverted Justice do an invaluable and courageous service to the rest of the world community and fight tirelessly against the ever-encroaching waves of paedophilia and necrophiliacy that is chewing away at the foundations of the internet's moral structure. Basically, what they do is they pretend to be young girls and go onto yahoo in order to talk to wannabe paedophiles. Then they make sure they're genuine, before POSTING THE CONVERSATIONS ONLINE and then making the paedophiles come to a fake house, before jumping out with cameras and catching said paedos in a giant butterfly net. No, I'm not joking.
Now, I don't know about you, but I think that that's the most heroic thing I have ever heard of. It takes some guts to talk to a paedophile (remember, they are well known for their skills at hypnotism and, as I think I have mentioned previously, are able to physically reach through the computer screen and drag children through into the ether), and EVEN MORE GUTS to post the log of the conversation on the internet. Literally, the brave souls on Perverted Justice (Motto: As Long As Our Children Aren't Safe From Predators... Predators Aren't Safe From US!, which I think sends the right message) deserve every award for heroism going. I saw a news story the other day about a boy who got a medal for rescuing his baby brother from a housefire. Fuck him, that award shoulda gone to Perverted Justice. What a fecken whitewash; I demand a recount.
Now, there are some people out there (probably paedophiles) who say that Perverted Justice (PeeJ) is just a pointless exercise in vicarious self-gratification by wannabe sham-heroic self-riteous do-gooders who like assuming a comfortably unarguable position of the moral superiority - because, after all, who can argue in FAVOUR of paedophiles? You'd have to be one yourself, or just using a very long and convoluted system of irony to mask your intentions, but I can't imagine how that could be achieved - while ignoring the root of the actual problem and concentrating on demonising certain anonymous members of society while simultaneously whipping up a sense of hysterical fear in an already moronically overprotective and paranoid internet community.
Those people are idiots. PeeJ are making real progress in stopping paedophilia DEAD in America (I mean, they've already had 61 convictions... why, that must be almost half of all the paedophiles in America wiped out through fines and three month jail sentences!) and are in no way simply over-hyping the problem. I mean, the section called 'PeeJ Wankers' in which they webcam video various perverts jerking off to 'Ten year olds' is a very useful video example of what basically every person on the internet is like.
And anyway, people who don't recognise the invaluable public service that PeeJ are doing must SURELY agree that, you know, it's all great fun to read. The chat logs are simultaneously some of the most revolting and some of the most compelling shit I have EVER LAID EYES UPON in my entire life. I might put some of that on my UCAS form for University. "Yes, I have read many great classics over the past year... Zola's Germinal, a bit of William Faulkner, Marquez's One Hundred Years of Solitude. Oh, and I also spent an hour and a half reading the chat log in which vamale_692005 persuades sweet_erin78 to have sex with a dog. Man, the vamale_692005 (who I have affectionately named "Vammy-Vam-Brer") was a fecken classic. He rode a motorbike and tried to persuade this girl to let him film her screwing a dog while being peed on. Comedy.
What especially makes this site classy, and really proves to me that it's just not an exercise in self-riteous gratification (I like those words) are the little comments that the various contributors add to the chats. Usually these comments are wisecracks that do nothing to detract from the serious educational flow of the chat, although on certain occasions are just random insults thrown in to show how smart and cool the PeeJ hero is. Eg:
(The jokes comments are underlined)
vamale_692005 (9:39:30 PM): so what will you do with this? (Run far and fast)
LOL!!!! SHE BURNED HIM GOOOD!!!!!1!!!!!111!!!
vamale_692005 (7:56:31 PM): I am not freaking you out am I but talking about this? ( No, you are making me ill)
ROTFL!!!!!!1!!!!! LMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
vamale_692005 (8:47:57 PM): listen I dont know if I will have my second piercing in on friday
sweet_erin78 (8:48:09 PM): oh y?
vamale_692005 (8:48:25 PM): because it got caught on my boxers today and pulled pretty good...the hole is sore with it in ( Hahaha. I smirked with great pleasure when I read this)
LOLLERCAUST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I think the comments really prove how mature and clearheaded Perverted Justice really is. I mean, it's like poking a bear with a stick once it's in its cage and there's no way it can possibly fight back. Some people might say that it's cruel, pointless, and sadistic, but I say "What was the bear doing in that cage in the first place? It's its own bloody fault". And anyway, we all know that men who want to have sex with fifteen year old girls are subhuman anyway, and should probably locked away in concentration camps and starved to death in great numbers. That would be a perfect Final Solution to this paedophile question.
The Continuing and Increasingly Convoluted Adventures of Emoboy!
I hope that Perverted Justice can visit this blog soon and catch the twisted freak who came on here searching for horse porn, and fast! I feel that I am getting more and more traumatised as time goes by.
(By the way, if anybody can think of any more adventures for Emoboy to have, or, hey, even a slightly different joke, please tell me. As you might be able to tell, the idea well for Emoboy kind of went dry after the first cartoon.)
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