I am a bitter bastard

There's a new TV show on the BBC. Entitled "How do you Solve a Problem Like Maria?" (HDYSAPLM?), it's basically the story of penguin-faced freak Andrew Lloyd Webber's attempts to cast the role of "Maria" in his new production "The Sound of Music". Now, many a penguin-faced freak would simply hold a series of anonymous auditions to choose the best actress for the production. But not Andy. Oooh boy no. No, Lloydy-W decided that naturally the best thing to do would be to hold a series of highly publicised TV auditions, a la Fame Academy/Pop Idol/X Factor/Who gives a shit and whittle down 2000 prospective Marias into one perfect specimin who he will then molest and impregnate with his future spawn. Lloyd does this for simple reasons; to entertain the general public, to give a chance to new up-and-coming talent, and to give us an insight into the harsh and difficult realm of theatrical auditions. Not to simply give himself and his new production lots of free publicity. Oh no. Definitely not that. He wants to help new artists. He's an angel. A total angel. A fucking saint. He makes Jesus look like a prick by comparison.

That's your introduction. Now, I'm a pretty balanced and even-handed person, so I won't bore you with my thoughts about The Sound of Music as a piece of art. Suffice to say, this picture that I made for an unrelated piece a year ago pretty much sums up my thoughts:



Usually I would be able to just ignore such a television program, just like I did with Love Island, The Salon, the entire last half of Big Brother and the 9/11 terrorist attacks. However I'm not allowed to skip this show because of one simple reason: I am going out with one of the finallists!!!!!! Yes, she's my girlfriend!!!! Or rather, a girl who my girlfriend's best friend once went to school with apparently auditioned and was told that she was very good and could be Maria. I can't remember what her name was. She might not even be in the show any more. I don't care. But in conclusion: I watched one episode last weekend, just to see what it was like. I managed to watch literally ten minutes before switching off in disgust and going upstairs to spray paint my hand.

Do you know why I turned it off? The answer may surprise you. It wasn't because the girls were particulary ugly. Indeed, many of them were very fine looking, of a pedigree similar to a well-bred racing horse, with fine cheekbones and kissable forearms. Was it because the singing was terrible? Nay, in fact many of them sang excellently. Was it due to Andrew Lloyd Webber's disturbingly eyebrowwed action-man-in-a-microwave visage, and his ruby red "I just ate my own genitals in beetroot" lips? NEIN. In fact, like many red-blooded males, I'm partial to a bit of the Andy Loyd-Webs; I think of him as something of a style icon, and I often spend hours photoshopping his head onto the bodies of fit young men.

No, the real reason that I switched off was because all the girls were too FUCKING YOUNG AND TALENTED. Yes. It seems that I have an aversion to young talented people. This is why I switched off HDYSAPLM?, why I drew moustaches and cut out the eyes of the pictures of the girls celebrating their GCSE victories in the paper, why I cheered when I heard about that paedophile murdering that beauty pageant girl. Although to be honest she had it coming. Little freak.

But all the girls on this show were just so fucking GOOD at what they were doing. It just highlighted to me the fact that I spent my childhood not going to music practises. Usually this makes me feel smug and superior, but then I realised that I do seem to be somewhat lacking in talents that I can use to make quick money and amuse myself with. It looked like they were really enjoying themselves too. They all had that healthy middle-class gushing 'We love to sing and dance we are just sooooo talented look at us with our awesome genes' thing going down. Not a care in the world. They obviously had already decided that they were to be our new rulers, the ones who would show us all how good humanity would be while we sat at home in stained whitey-tighties eating Ben&Jerry's with clenched fists and drooling into our porridge.

"Oh it doesn't matter if I don't win" gushed one. "I just love singing and entertaining millions of people every night. What more could you ask for?" FUCK YOU BITCH just becuase you love your job it doesn't mean that you have to rub your moral superiority in with the rest of us. Suuure you're awesome at singing, sure you love to entertain which is why your multiple appearances on TV are so good. Not publicising yourself and furthering your no-doubt glittering career in the West End. And are you sure you don't care if you win? Not even when you find out the twist in the show- if you get voted off YOUR LUNGS ARE PULLED OUT WITH A RAKE. That would really improve the show. Either you sing well Or You Never Sing Again. We'd get some passion out of those girls then. Because at the moment, they were so comfortably enjoying themselves that they seemingly forgot to inject any passion of any sort into their singing. This one girl was singing this song that required dancing, and all she did was kind of jump around the stage waving her arms in the air like a tiny scarecrow in a huge hoover. She didn't have a clue. "Sort your fucking life out!" I felt like yelling at the TV screen. I didn't.

I guess I just don't like talented or smart people full stop. They irritate me with their eternal earnestness and love for their talent. You know what? I bet they're full of flaws that I dont see on tv. I bet that singing is all they talk about. I bet they have no sense of humour. I bet that girl I was talking about earlier has a vagina shaped like a teacup. Ahaha I just realised, they're all gonna be out of a job in like a year anyway. Nobody goes to watch West End Shows anyway!! They're miles behind the times! Hardcore music is where it's AT. If any of them ladies started layin' down some hardcore tunes about being a shooting star or time periods or really being in love with a guy then perhaps I'd be worried. But as things stand, they're singing some shit about the hills being alive or something. Losers.

You know, that actually made me feel better? I no longer feel so bad about not being a virtuoso opera singer by the age of 18 now I've rinsed them on my blog. Take that, you super-happy ultra earnest bitches!! You got owned ON THE INTERNET!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (I just realised that I am going to die alone). Perhaps it's earnest people I don't like. I guess I'm bitter because I can no longer get enthusiasic about stuff. I wish I could, but unfortunately, in my mind, everyone should be jaded and sarcastic by the time they're 18 or They Will Fail At Life. Like me. I'm jaded and sarcastic and I'm gonna be 18 in four days.

HOLY SHIT FOUR DAYS

And what's my special talent? I cannot sing or dance or whittle little men out of wood like those twats on TV. I'm pretty good at writing semi-ironic stories about small inanimate objecting coming to life. Wait a second what am I saying? Writing stories? That's not a marketable talent. And neither is blogging. Blogging fucking sucks; who ever got rich and famous off blogging? Hmm. Perhaps I could be a grafitti artist. My spray painting is awesome. I mean look at this picture I did of my girlfriend:



Man my spray-paint girlfriend is hawt. Much hawter than yours. Your spray paint girlfriend looks like a fish. You loser. So yeah perhaps I'll make my money and name out of spray painting stuff. Like Banksy. Now if only I had the fortitude to go out and vandalise summat with pictures of my girlfriend and Harold from Neighbours. That'd be sweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet. Oh well.

FUCK ME I BECOME AN ADULT IN LESS THAN A WEEK. I'D BETTER GO EAT PENNY CANDY WHILE I STILL CAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

EDIT: I just saw this article in the Sunday Times about this girl who plays the violin or something: "She has played the violin since the age of two. She begin training as a professional at seven, and started recording at 13. In 2003 she won the Classical Brits Young Performer award. Her third album is released tomorrow." ... "By the time I was 10 I was taught at home. I did my GCSES in music and German at 11 and got A* for both. I took German A-Level at 12, and my music A level and Spanish GCSE at 13... when I was 13 I had my debut at Munich..."
Fuck off.