(NB: the 'A' mark for each of the AS levels is above 240/300. The A for the A Level proper is 480/600)
Critical "Who ever gave a shit about Critical Thinking?" Thinking: 254 (which is an A, but literally, Critical Thinking is the most pointless subject ever and I don't even want to include it with the rest of my 'real' exam results... screw you, Cri'ical Thinkin'. Tu quoque my ass)
History: 283/300 (A. A A A A A A A A A A. In case you were wondering, I got 90/90 on World War One. WORLD WAR ONE. THE SUBJECT THAT I LITERALLY TAUGHT MYSELF FROM THREE WORK SHEETS TWO DAYS BEFORE THE EXAM. I also got 81/90 in the Empire section, which pleased me because Empire is literally the hardest shit ever)
English Language: 293/300 (That's an A, in case you were wondering. Wait... did I... only drop... SEVEN MARKS? Out of three hundred? What the fuck? But that's like a score of 97.666%!!! Surely that's not possible? Except it is, apparently. And how. I'm so good they should drain my blood and sell it in tiny vials on street corners.)
English Literature: 270/300 (A. Duh. But it really says something that this was my most disappointing result. And I know that I should've done better. If only I could, somehow, do some other EXTRA, possibly ADVANCED EXTENSION exam, to prove to the world that I really am the King of English Literature. But what sort of exam could there be, that was both an extension of Literature A level, but also in some way... advanced?)
English Advanced Extension Level: Distinction (Oh yes, this'll do. in case anybody was wondering, yes, that was actually the highest possible mark that could every possibly be achieved in the Ol' English AEA, most difficult English-related exam ever. Yes, Distinction. I distinguished myself. I didn't get none of that pass or merit shit. No doggy, it was Distinction all the way. Ooh I'm so hot I'm just burnin' up. Kind of like Oskar Matzerath/Bronski's mama in the book "The Tin Drum" after she caught the fish-poisoning fever. Yes, that was a literature reference. Thank u 4 noticing.)
French A Level: 520/600 - A
YES YOU HEARD ME I GOT AN A AT FRENCH A LEVEL. DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS??? I NEVER EVERY HAVE TO DO FRENCH EVER AGAIN!!! I CAN DROP IT!!! THIS FRENCH SHIAT IS OOOOOOOVER!!! NO MORE TENSES! NO MORE LE, LA OR LES! SUBJUNCTIVE, YOU CAN FUCK RIGHT OFF! NO MORE COURSEWORK!!!! HURRAH FOR BEING ABLE TO REPEATEDLY RETAKE AS LEVEL AND THEN JUST GET SUCH A HUGE MARK ON THE FIRST HALF THAT I COULD TO FUCK UP A-LEVEL AS MUCH AS I WANTED AND STILL SCRAPE THE A!!! YAY MATHS!!!! And my mum (who likes to pretend that she made a contribution) worked out my score and told me that I was still technically part of the theoretical French A* elite. My question is thus: HOW DID THAT HAPPEN? I'm CRAP at French! I can't believe that nobody has noticed this for the past years of schooling. I just sat in the classroom sinking lower and lower into my seat wondering what the hell I was doing. I think that my french teacher no. 2, who actually is French and thus is more capable of seeing my utter ineptitude at her subject, clocked that I had no idea what I was doing towards the end of the year. I mean, check out my report:
Although that doesnt seem that bad, to be honest, compared to the rest of my report (which mostly consisted of the words "Very good", "Nonchalent", and "Coasting", that was a PASTING. I got RAPED. But thinking about it, I sure showed her.
"Not really achieved the linguistic standard"? Yeah whatever I'll see you in court with my 86% TOP TIER A. And to be honest, who needs linguistic standards when you can retake the first half several times until you get the score you want? Although, thinking at it, I didn't even need to retake as I would have got the A anyway. Hmm. So there was no point in learning that fucking Luc Besson oral presentation a second time. Intriguing and annoying.
(The part in italics was basically me thinking out loud. Or typing. Out loud.)
And ANYWAY, while she's mocking my inability to speak french (which is... obvious and quite embarassing), what the FUCK is "God luck"? And do you "no think" that I'm good? I'm not bein' funny but you should get to work on sortin' out your English before you get started on my french. People in glass houses, love. People in glass houses.
So in conclusion, my exam results were acceptable to me. Not to my mother, who apparently thinks that getting 77/90 on a Shakespeare paper is some sort of major cussage. Whatever. Man I am SOOOOOO smart. You people must be getting more intelligent by just reading my words on a piece of paper.
Does this post sound smug? Good. It should.
Next on the agenda: Failing my driving test.
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