Back to school

And I am doing what I do best... sitting in the library, doing the Telegraph cryptic crossword and alternatively writing a blog about how I am sitting in the library doing the Telegraph cryptic crossword. The answer to 11 across (Trying porridge before fish - [9]) is "Gruelling". Gruelling. Gruel (synonym of porridge) added to ling (type of fish) to make "Gruelling", which means "Trying". That is the answer. Fact.

I am also listening to the chillout playlist on my iPod. This consists of the CDs "The Classic Chillout Album Disk 1", "The Classic Chillout Album Disk 2", "Classic Chillout 2 Disk 1", "Classic Chillout 2 Disk 2", "The New Classic Chillout Album: From Dusk 'til Dawn Disk 1 (Dawn)", "The New Classic Chillout Album: From Dusk 'til Dawn Disk 2 (Dusk)", and two CDs of Buddha Lounge, which features lots of chinky chanting and asian pipework. The song that is currently playing on the iPod is "One Fine Day" by a group known as the "Opera Babes". One fine day? It sure will be when these lovely ladies are singing. A very talented group, they should go far.

I hope to increase my repertoire of quasi-classical oriental ambiant chillout choons with the addition of "Punjabi Lounge" and "Arabic Chillout", two three-cd albums which I bought for my father for Christmas. I am especially looking forward to seeing how the compilers of "Arabic Chillout" managed to compress the entire Middle-Eastern chillout scene (after all, it is generally a very cool and laid-back part of the world) into just three disks. Having had a little sneak listen to the featured music, it appears that the answer is "Rhythmic Chanting" and "Wind Chime Sounds". So I think that is something for us all to look forward to.

in other news, the song that is currently playing on myPod is "Gymnopedie No.1" by Joolz Gianni & Ty Unwin. Nonwithstanding their obviously made-up names, it is a delightful combination of the two seemingly-contradictory genres of tooty clarinet and singy female voice that really makes the hairs on my arms just stand up on end. Also, despite what the title of the song might imply, there is very little reference to child molesters urinating on small children inside an indoor exercise arena.

Do you get it? Gymno - pedie - No.1? That is my interpretation of the "cryptic clue" format. I could totally be a crossword compiler. After all, all you have to do is think of a word that sounds a bit like another word, then re-write it in such a way that it is possible to misinterpret the resulting sentence. For example in the case of this crossword I am doing now "Acquit former copper with large head", "former" means "ex", "copper" can be shortened to "cu", "large" can be shortened to "l", and apparently another word for head is "pate" (I know how strange I had not heard of it either but there you go we've all learnt something today). Stick them together to get the word "exculpate" meaning "to vindicate or acquit", which is the first word of the thing. Hurray!

Now see if you can solve any of my fiendishly hard clues that I am making up as I type this on the spot. The first one to solve every clue gets a kiss if you are my girlfriend or any comprably attractive female. Be aware: most of these clues are not real words. I will start on an easy one.

Southern former gender - (3)
Link noisy tender for weapon - (8)
Fecal pea and double oxygen - (3)

Did you get them? They were not very difficult and I basically got bored and hungry after the first one. Still I will not tell you the answers lets see if you can guess.

Ooh I just got a text message on my phone. According to the phone "Message Memory is Almost Full". But that does not matter because I am getting a new free phone upgrade today. It should arrive in the post and then I will be able to finally put down my current model, which to be honest is approaching the end of its working life. I wonder who sent me this text message. I bet it was Lucia who is my girlfriend. I was making fun of her because she is not Italian but she thinks that because she spent about two years in Italy as a fat baby she has earnt the right to adopt every good thing about Italy as her own when clearly she has no biological affinity with those crazy eye-ties.

Oh wait the text was from Steve, who is actually a girl even though she has a boy's name. It does not matter though because her adam's apple flat chest and hairy chin make her look like a boy. Her text says "haha, dickhead. i heard that's a symptom of autism. why were people running into him? it's a great idea but why?"
I think that it is interesting that she chose to use apostrophes in her "it's" but ignored the far more basic rule of English which is to start every sentence with a capital letter. This text concerns my original text to her concerning my good friend Oliver (who is her ex-boyfriend) who got run into and then his lung collapsed. I am not sure of the exact details but that's plenty good enough of a story for me. As you can see Steve is still basically in love with Oliver and after they broke up she tried to fill the hole he left behind with a series of flings with a guy called Tim, Noel from Hearsay, a pink trampolining jelly-baby and a dashingly handsome young blacksmith from Germany. Yet nobody can fill the hole that Oliver left behind. I am now laughing because I wrote 'hole'.

I will text Steve back now. Here is what I texted to her:

I am using that text in my blog and by sending it you have surrendered all copywrite to me. Good day sir.

Notice my polite but firm sign-off and my impeccable grammar. I am quite the wag. Now to sit back and let the fireworks roll in.

Well this has been a worthwhile spending of a double free period. I do have literally nothing better to do with my time other than read books, and I feel that this probably stretches me more intellecually.

The current song on my iPod is "Street Tattoo" by 'Unknown Artist'. He may be unknown now, but someone find him quick, he's a devil on the sax!