It did snow today

Yes I am aware that I have blogged about the snow in an excited manner without fail for the past three years. However snow is an exciting event and I am sure that I can put a 'cool' (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) spin on events. Anyway the snow is what I am going to blog about today - not the advanced state of exhaustion that I am in, not the unfortunate plight of bottle-faced pig-woman Jade Goody, not the email that I just received from my dear friend Peregrine Cohen offering me cut-price Viagra along with the enigmatic message "rmo from him. He never saw the artifact. It must have been taken by". Although that would be an interesting thing to blog about. I wonder what that means? What artifact? Why did he not see it? I feel that there is more to this than meets the eye.

However, forget about that as today I am going to blog about the sight that did meet my eye when I woke up this morning. Yes it was snow! The roads and the floors and the trees and the streets were all covered in snow! It was exciting and I had a good mind to dance about in the snow. However I did not as I am a sensible young man and I know that such behaviour is foolish. In many ways I have grown up and become much more mature in the past year. However in others (most of the ways) I am still essentially a three year old, and thus the fact that the floor is covered with lots of white frozen water is still enough to send me into paroxyms of joy. I do love snow - there is something about it that makes me giggle. If there was a machine to generate real snow - perhaps in the freezer - then I would definitely buy one and if it turned out to be good I would probably buy two so that I could have twice as much snow as everyone else. I have no idea how such an invention would work, though, as snow is formed of millions of tiny snowflakes that are all different. Perhaps some sort of ice-cube tray but with really small snowflake-sized indentations? I do not know and that is why I am not a scientist. I am an ideas man.

Anyway today was different from all the other snow days as today I had to drive to school in my car, and as we know, driving in snow is the most dangerous thing in the world to do. Many thousands of people are killed every year in snow-related accidents (for example, their cars skidding off roads and exploding or sliding off of flyovers and crashing into planes and exploding or pulling into parking spaces but then colliding into carelessly-constructed snowmen and exploding). Therefore I decided that I would be a really careful driver and, after chasing my dogs around in the garden a few times and then feeding them handfuls of snow (silly animals they thought that the snow was food! How amusing I made them eat about four snowballs each and they didn't even realise they could just eat the snow off the floor!), I carefully eased the car out of our house.

Luckily there was no crashing into snowmen and I got into school fairly successfuly; however there was a big traffic jam (probably due to the snow which I think I have mentioned at some point in this post so far) and I missed the pre-school snowball fight. Let me explain: my school has some huge fields at the back and every time it snows, we all descend down upon them to hurl snow at each other to our hearts' content. Unfortunately I missed the first happening of this which was a bit frustrating, however, I had a free period on lesson three (which handily precedes morning break or as it is known in America, "Recess"). Therefore I had a good forty minutes to mess about on the field with a few lucky chums before the rest of the school - all the little ones - appeared and ruined the fun. So yes I did have some jokes on the field. I threw some balls and I actually hit a few people on the head from a not-inconsiderate distance! I was very proud and I promptly gave myself the nickname of "Sniper Fox" as I am slinky like a fox but I can also hit people in the head with projectiles from a long distance away, like a sniper. This is thus a simile and not a metaphor.

However at some point during the aforementioned fun on the field, disaster struck and my portable telephone slipped out of my pocket and was lost on the ground without me noticing! How worrisome, especially as our field is huge. But as I have no short-term memory whatsoever, I thought to myself "Perhaps I have left it in my bag, or my jacket, or my car" and all three items were in different places. For some reason I did not think to bring these three things together but instead visited each in turn about three times as I kept thinking to myself 'Perhaps I forgot to check the car properly or something'. It was frustrating, but eventually I decided that I had indeed dropped my phone on the field, so I set about scouring the field to find it. This was not successful and I was starting to rue the day that I had chosen to meddle with the snow.
However I did find a wallet lying in the snow. I picked it up and checked the bus pass inside and it belonged to a brown person with a silly name. I was confused so I turned to the nearest brown person and asked him if he knew the brown person on the bus-pass, as it it my theory that all brown people are connected by some sort of psychic bond which would explain that red dot that you see on the heads of some brown people. I am not racist I have to confirm as I did not even call the brown person 'Sanjay' without asking his name first. Unfortunately the second brown person did not know the first brown person so I decided to walk to the edge of the field and leave the wallet on the bench for safekeeping. Already on the bench was a pair of spectacles that somebody had placed there for somebody else to find, and this set off bells in my mind. Perhaps, just perhaps, somebody had come across my phone and left it on another bench next to the field! So I walked along the edge of the field to the next bench and what do you know my phone was actually there! I knew it was my phone because the wallpaper on the front screen was a picture of my water-bottle and to be honest who else is likely to have that as their screen-saver? So I was happy and I decided to re-join the snowball fight which at this point was a huge meleé as the rest of the school - all 900 of them - had come out of lessons.

The snowball fight was quite violent today. Usually all of our energies have been directed at the poor-people scum school next door and we end up having a huge war with them over the fence and then somebody from our school ends up getting stabbed or something but this year the teachers had planned ahead for this possibility and had roped off the bit of the field near to their fence which was good. However it also meant that we had to direct our energies inwards upon each other.

Because of the phone debacle I was unable to locate my comrades amongst the blur of flying snowballs and dodging bodies so I decided to go it alone. Being the big strong man I am I chose to hurl a load of snow at a tiny wee bespectacled member of the 1st year who appeared to be standing by himself. I actually hit him! It was really good however he turned round and saw me and I realised that he was with about six of his friends and he said "Hey get the boy in the pink shirt" (this was me I was wearing a pink shirt). Unfortunately when it comes to snowball fights, your age and relative strength does not matter when compared to the massed forces of a load of 11 year olds and to be honest it was a slaughtering. It was like a prequel to that poem Ozymandias except instead of a huge statue (representing the arrogance of man) being destroyed by the march of time and civilisation it was me having loads of snow thrown at my head. Oh it was horrible there was snow everywhere it was not meant to be. I kind of ran in circles around them hollering as they all threw snow at me, then I ran away. Then I half heartedly threw some more snow at them and they chased me and I just fled for my life.

It was good.

Today's Craptic Crossword Clue:
Points around a circle bring winter fun (4)