Happy 2007!

Cheers to all of you (excluding, as I have already said, people I don't like... AIDS and rusty needles to you. You know who you are, you weird-faced girl-eyed Noel-from-Hearsay lookin' freaks). And thank the Jesus that 2006 is over! Seriously, I am so glad that we got that year out of the way. Not that it was a particularly BAD year, so to speak... I mean, I spent the first half in a kind of grouchy semi-sad mostly-amblivilent mood, the middle happy, and I've pretty much coasted the last. I am aware that I have managed to include three halves in my description of 2006 but hey - don't worry - I'm an english student at Oxford University (AKA the best place in the world), I don't need no stinkin' maths. Chaucer will see me through.

So yes, 2006 is done. Thank God for that. I mean, I didn't have any real problems with it (in fact as years go it was pretty successful OXFORDOXFORDOXFORD), except for the fact that at no point in the entire space of time did I think of it as a year. I know that sounds weird, but I pretty much thought that we were in 2005 the entire time. I think every single time I was required to write a date on anything I wrote 2005 and it was only when somebody else pointed out my mistake did I say 'Oh yeah... what year is it?' and make the necessary amendments. I literally cannot tell the difference between 2005 and 2006. Those two years just seem to blur into one. But 2007... I like the sound of that year. I like the shape of the letters. While I associate 2005/6 with a kind of angora-sweater-wearing nerd, 2007 has a much more dangerous edge. I can imagine 2007 with a bit of stubble, leaning against a beat-up classic car in a leather jacket, smoking a cigarette in a dusty carpark somewhere in the desert before driving off on some -illegal no doubt- adventure. 2006 and 5 just didn't cut it. Neither will 2008. I'll be so fucked off when 2008 rolls around and kills 2007's awesome buzz. It won't be until 2009 that the years gain any sort of respectability. And then after that 2013. Don't even talk to me about 2012. 2011 will barely pass muster. Maybe year names are like the Star Trek films. Only the odd ones are any good. Although I have never seen a Star Trek film (except for that one with the robots that were all gay and flew around in a big lameo square... it was rubbish).

I'm sorry, I have to type 2007 a few more times. 2007. 2007. 2007. 2007. DJ Fritzy back in the mix 2007, I wanna see your palms motherfuckers. 2007. I just love the way it looks. It gives me shortness of breath and makes my heart beat at double pace. I know that it's impossible to fall in love with a number (although I could refute that claim by showing you THE ENTIRE PHYSICS DEPARTMENT OF MY SCHOOL) but god dammnit, if 2007 drove up on its motorcycle and told me to hop aboard, I'm sorry Lucia but I would be out of there like a shot. I know that you are my girlfriend and all, but 2007 can offer me so many things that you cannot. Don't make this any harder than it already is (for you... I'm riding away on 2007's motorbike! I'm sorted for joy!)

So yes. 2005/6 has fucked off, leaving 2007 as the year of possibilities. After all, I have a gap year to plan, exams to pass, a mainstream writing career to continue to kick off, a girlfriend to continue to swindle into going out with me, and a 2nd VIII to get into. I also have a laptop to buy as I have decided that my current computer is just not equipped to deal with the vast amount of sexiness coming from me. So, with no further ado, here's a rundown of my New Year's Resolutions from last year (with addendums to see how well I did):

I will get a new girlfriend. A new and shinier one, possibly equipped with special features (like rocket launchers or laser eye vision) (I got about five months into the year attempting this before saying to myself 'Screw that, I'll just go for the same old model. Lucia may not have rocket launchers or fancy technological features or, you know, anything to recommend her whatsoever to anybody with non-minority tastes, but goddamnit I have a fetish for weird big-nosed elf-eared cold-dressed neurotic dear quirks and so she'll do for me until Liv Tyler drops the restrainment order')

I'll go to the cinema more. No wait, I'll get a student card first, THEN I'll go to the cinema more, thus saving me TWO POUNDS FIFTY. And I'll watch art-house films and look really interlekchual. (Holy crap... going to the cinema was one of my major life changing resolutions for last year? Man I'm lame. I did get a student card. But I probably went to the cinema less. And as for watching art-house films... the last film I saw was 'It's A Boy/Girl Thing' AKA The Hot Chick AKA She's The Man AKA Freaky Friday AKA Just My Luck AKA EVERY TEEN FILM MADE FOR THE LAST MILLION YEARS. No comment.)

I'll get into the Rowing Second Eight. And perhaps I'll win something this year. (I got into the Second VIII last year! Then I was thrown out of it in what I can only describe as the most rigged set of seat-racing ever. Seriously, if you have ever watched True Blue - and to be honest I pity the fool who has not viewed that particular work of cinematic masterclassness - you'll remember the scene in which our brave Oxford hero Donald McDonald is cheated out of a place in the Blue Boat by the evil Americans. It was like that. I was not happy after being chucked out. But my new boat did go on to win School's Head - the major event of the year - while our 2nd VIII was battered senseless. So I guess it evens out.)

I'll be nicer to people (You can't really measure niceness against the whole spectrum of interesting people that I come across. I suppose I had better pick a specific example... I know, Lucia's sister and best friend, who started off last year hating my guts because for some reason some person who may or may not have been me might have made some sort of comment pertaining to the weight of one of the aforementioned girls. They are a good subject for comparison because the only way I could really go was up. At this point last year they hated me... so, after re-capturing Lucia, I tried my hardest to please and amuse them for the entire past half year by being a model boyfriend, human and spectral being. I was just about winning them round, despite the heavy amounts of hatred being poured my way, when I blew the entire load of amassed love by desecrating a gingerbread in the shape of my friend that that they had made. Come on how was I supposed to know that it was an object of abject worship and love? It didn't even look like Mike.. And I maintain that it was already decapitated when I planted it upside down. In the chocolate cake. It really was. There's just no pleasing some people. So I guess that... yeah, I failed this task.)

I'll blog more. And in return, everyone else will comment loads and make me feel validated (Following the aforementioned fat-calling incident, I got a post that had 164 comments which must be some kind of record for the blog world. But on the other hand I have blogged like three times a month for the past three months.)

I'll get a job? Work experience, maybe. (DONE AND DONE. NOT ONLY DO I HAVE A QUITE WELL PAYING JOB AS A WAITER, I ALSO GOT WORK EXPERIENCE IN THE BEST ROWING MAGAZINE IN THE COUNTRY OF BRITAIN AND AND AND I HAVE BEEN PUBLISHED TWICE AND HAVE PISSED OFF MY ENTIRE SCHOOL WITH MY ACIDIC WIT. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED. END OF MESSAGES.)

I actually did quite well last year with the resolutions. I am such a resolution slut. Ok here are some more so that I can basically rip off this exact post format next year, and the year after that, ad nauseum. :D

1: I suppose get the grades necessary to be allowed into Oxford and thus take my rightful place of Being Better Than All Of You Put Together. It should not be hard as I managed to scrape the French scores... I think I have to get about 40% in every one of my modules to get the necessary A grades. Not that I am over-confident, cocky or coasting or anything. Oh noooo.
2: Uh, pay attention to what my friends are doing? To be honest I have no idea if any of them have girlfriends or if they have got into University or even if they are clinically depressed. I don't really think that this is a good resolution but Lucia says that I have to be nicer to people and she seems to know what she is talking about. Frankly, I have enough on my plate worrying about the current health of my mobile phone, which to be honest is not doing so good. Every time I switch it off the screen breaks and requires me to bang it repeatedly against a wall to fix it. This banging has dislodged the microphone or something because now I swear the tone when you press any button has gone down a key. Don't ask me how this happened, it just did. Thinking about it, the same is pretty much true for my iPod - it kept freezing and the only way to fix it was to bang it against a wall. And now there is a loose piece of metal or something shaking about inside it. Hmm.
3: Be kinder to technology.
4: Do something OUTRAGEOUS. Like kiss a sheep or court a sausage.
5: Listen to bare techno music and really rave out like a total rave pig.
6: OK FINE I'LL BLOG MORE.
7: Endeavour to figure out one poem by TS Eliot. I heart TS Eliot like a bitch but most of the time I have no idea what the fuck the man is chattin about. After like a term of intensively studying "The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock" the most I have been able to figure out about the poem is that It Is Not Really A Love Song. Well thank fuck for that.
8: Try to fight the urges to actively wind up Lucia's best friend and sister. I'M SORRY PEOPLE BUT THEY HATE ME IRRATIONALLY AND WITH NO SENSE OF LOGIC OR PURPOSE. As Shakespeare said, 'Hell Hath No Fury Like A Woman Scorned" so I reckon that they both secretly fancy me and are just upset that I'm going out with my double-barrelled girl instead. Heh.
I am not really that bothered by the full force of their female hate as it usually manifests itself in kind of irate glares in my direction and a couple of sarcastic comments about my clothing. So really the only reason that I have included this resolution is that their endless hate of me just depresses the gf and as we all know, a depressed girlfriend is an unresponsive girlfriend. If she's sad I'll have to talk to her and emphathise with her and cheer her up and shiz instead of getting down to the real point of the relationship - dressing her up in little hats and making her dance a jig around the room playing an irish lute for my amusement. Hehehe. Of course, if 2007 comes a-knockin', she's dumped anyway so I suppose that it could be a moot point.
9: Get my MySpace up to above 100,000 friends. So far I am on 14. And that is a surprise because I thought that it was 11. I know that this is a sad request but Jesus christ I am now addicted to MySpace. So sue me. PLEASE BE MY MYSPACE FRIEND I WILL BE YOUR MYSPACE WHORE. Click here to find the Switchblade Zombie! It follows my new tradition of naming my internet accounts according to the formula "Random Evocative Sounding Weapon" + "Zombie". So I name all my internet things according to a stringent system. Wanna fight about it? I am also aware that this link is about three lines long. I'll see you in court.
10: This is my tenth New Year's Resolution. It completes this list in a satisfactory way so that I do not end my list of New Year's Resolutions on nine, which is not a good number to end any list on. Um. I KNOW I should stop being so worried about fashion. As anyone who has ever met me knows, I am constantly worried about wearing the latest labels and dressing in the trendiest threads. I resolve to really just relax on the clothing. I don't always need to wear brand new out-of-the-box trainers and to have my hair dry-cleaned every third day. Perhaps I could, I don't know, wear old t-shirts out on the town? Maybe I could go out in my school uniform? Perhaps I could go for a date with Lucia dressed in two-year-old-mud-splattered-falling-apart-trainers, a free XXL tshirt that I got at a rowing venue, a tatty Vespoli Hoodie and some three-year old camo trousers covered in paint from when I did work experience on a film in Romania two years ago? Actually, nah, I am not an animal.