"There was too much singing," -- Bertie's opinion of Phantom of the Opera

Just went to the cinema to see PotO. Overall, pretty good.

Here is a list of the things that I disliked about this film:



1: Too much singing. I know it was a musical, but is it really neccesary to have the line "I'm going downstairs... do you want to coooooooome?" No. I don't think so.

I reckon I'll write a musical, in which people sing about walking down corridors, and scratching their noses. That would kick arse.

2: Too many candles. Did the Phantom really need that many candles in his lair? And then he'd spend all his time lighting them, leaving LITTLE time for evil plans. Therefore, the Phantom is defeated before he even begins. Plot hole number 1.

3: Did the Phantom really need to wear gloves all the time? Even when he was in a white shirt. I bet he wears those gloves even when he has a bath.

4: Why did the opera architects find it necessary to include a system of complicated tunnels AND a fiendish lair-looking place, complete with porcullis and pool of death? And, not to mention, Indiana Jones style death traps. This is PotO, not Indiana Jones and the Ghost of the Opera. Although...

5: They kept mentioning "The Sopranos", but there weren't any gangsters. Now I'm not a complainer, but when I'm promised gangsters, I want gangsters. Just throw in a few heavies in suits or something. Why did the Phantom hang his victim? He could have just driven him out into an abandoned field and shot him in the head. Much cooler, I THINK you'll agree.

6: Why THE HELL was there a horse down underneath the opera? How did it get down there? Did Mr Phantom ride it down there, or fly it there in his helicopter?

7: They apparently cast a duck in the role of Christine. I'm not joking. She looks like a duck.

8: Dubbing was awful. He was obviously not singing. Pah.

9: How did the Mask stay on the Phantom's head? It was made of bloody plaster. The only way it woulda worked was if the Phantom's face was very sticky. Plot hole number 2. There are loads of others.

10: Batman appeared in the film in the mask scene. Actually, this was a good point. Go Batman!

11: They included a load of pointless 'present day' scenes in lame black and white. You know why those scenes were never in the play? That's right. THEY WERE RUBBISH.

12: The guy who played the Phantom wasn't as good as Micheal Crawford.



And now here are my solutions to these problems:



1: Cut out a few songs, and replace them with Hip-Hop. Or the London Philamonic Orchestra's rendition of 'Smack My Bitch Up."

2: Replace the candles with neon lights and disco-balls. Alternatively, give the Phantom a flamethrower. Overall, I prefer my flamethrower plan.

3: Give the Phantom hooks for hands. Or alternatively, a hook for one hand and a chainsaw (á la Evil Dead 2) for the other. It gets rid of the glove problem.

4: Include Indiana Jones. Duh. Throw James Bond in there for good use. Batman's already there. Team the Phantom up with Frankenstein and a leprechaun and we have a musical extravaganza!

5: Oh yeah, and some gangsters too. Or just throw in a load of tommy-guns. Both are good. Man, my film rules.

6: Have a horse-racing track down underneath the stage. Or have a bunch of cowboys run through the theatre yelling 'hayah' and netting frightened theatre-goers. Yay!

7: If you're gonna cast a duck, why not go the whole way? Use all the farmyard animals! Cast a goose as Carlotta and a cow as the Phantom. Go crazy. It's my film.

8: Competely throw the dubbing off. Have them speaking japanese. It would be funny.

9: The Phantom takes off his mask and is revealed to be... the Pritt Stick Man! Was there ever a Pritt Stick Man? I don't care... there is now.

10: Nanananananananananana... BATMAN!

11: Take out the present day scenes. Replace them with tapdancing monkeys. Hee hee.

12: Put back Micheal Crawford. But I don't mean theatre singing Micheal Crawford. Oh, no. I mean Some Mother's Do 'ave Em, fully camp Micheal Crawford. Just imagine that. Hardey har.



Now I'm going to watch Fargo, to balance out my singing levels with some good healthy violence and Steve Buscemi. Hey, they should cast him as the phantom next time...



This moment's implement of zombie murderage: Singing. A lot of it. It nealy killed me, it'll sure kill them.