Coversations with my grandad

His words are in bold because, quite frankly, they're the most interesting:

GD: Do they still have women film directors? I was thinking about this lady film director the other day. She made this film quite recently.
Mum: What was her name?
GD: I can't remember.
Mum: What was the name of the film?
GD: Can't remember that either. It might have been a tv show.
Mum: So basically you're thinking of a women director who's name you can't remember who made a film quite recently that you can't remember which may in fact have been a tv show. Am I correct?
GD: Yeah. What women film directors are there?
Me: There's uh, that woman who did Lost in Translation. Sophia Coppolla.
GD: No, he directed Apocolypse now.
Mum: No, that's Francis Ford Coppolla. Sophia Coppolla's his daughter.
GD: Margaret Thatcher would have made a good film director.

GD: Look how dry it is, all the weeds are dieing. Soon it'll be like the sahara here.
Me: But the soil in the sahara's different.
GD: They should get all the old fogies up and make them march around this field. Have arabs with bombs on the edges to stop any escaping. Just imagine all the old fogies lieing in the middle of this field moaning.
Mum: Sometimes I don't understand you.
GD: I'd win if I did that, then I'd be chanting 'I AM THE WINNER!' Then they'd give me a crate of beer. Haha.

GD: Do you have any women teachers at your school?
Me: Well, we have a few.
GD: Why? There aren't any girls at your school. I bet nobody likes the women teachers there.
Me: Uh...
GD: What do they teach at girls's schools?
Me: Well, cooking, cleaning I guess, wearing dresses...
GD: I expect they teach them how to sweep, too. Give them brooms.

Mum: I'm going away for the weekend soon, I hope that the boys won't have a party.
GD: Remember that time when Gary had a party? We were away from the weekend and he invited his friends round and they all ran into a field and worshipped the sun.
Mum: And then they climbed into our beds and got mud everywhere.
GD: And remember that other time when Gary blew up that saucepan in the alley, with a home-made bomb?
Mum: And that time when he blew up the kitchen.
GD: He's a chemist, I guess that he was probably experimenting.

*we have been discussing the terrorist bombings of London*
GD: I hear that one of those terrorists had 9 GCSEs. 9 GCSES!
Me: Yeah.
GD: I wonder how many GCSEs you need to get to be a bomber. I thought you only had to be called Akbar.
Mum: You can't say things like that, dad!
GD: What do you reckon the bomber said to his mother? I bet he said, "I've been training ma!". Or, "I've joined an underground movement". Yeah.
Mum: Hmm.
GD: I wonder what they'd do if I left this bag under the seat in the underground.
Me: It'd be gone in ten minutes. They'd send sniffer dogs round.
GD: But they'd eat my chocolate biscuits!

GD: I'd like to go to strawberry picking place and just lie under the hedge and eat all the strawberries. Then I'd move along to another patch and eat the strawberries there.
Mum: Mmm.
GD: They have nice soft hay under those hedges.

GD: *Handing me a piece of staw* Fancy a joint?
Me: *choking* WHAT?

Oh my lord. I actually love him so much. What a dude.