- Dress up in robes and a face mask and run around the streets hollering 'ALLAH!' or 'INFIDELS!' Or a mixture of the two: ALFADELS. Is it me, or do alfadels sound delicious?
- Make jokes about bombs.
- Tell bomb anacdotes, riddles, or ironic musings. Bomb related banter is still alright, however.
- Rent out Rambo 3.
- Rugby tackle people to the floor.
- Tell the fit bus driver that she's 'da bomb!'
- On a crowded train, yell 'HE HAS A GRENADE!' followed by 'BUNDLE!' as people try to leave the station.
- Randomly scatter bags on street corners.
- Fireworks. I bet even sparklers are off limits now.
- Hang around looking shifty.
- Run around screaming.
- Be arabic.
Damnit, those pesky terrorists have totally ruined the fun of going into London. Wankers.
So, lads, London is burning again, eh? So, we've finally joined the USA club of having our buildings razed to the ground. Except for the IRA bombings. And, you know, having the shit bombed out of us, nightly, for the entirity of World War Two. And probably a bit of World War One. And, of course, the Great Fire of London. And Guy Fawkes attempting to blow up the Houses of Parliment. And I guess that the Plague counts as biological terrorism, right? Damn rats. We're so well known for our buildings not surviving well, we have not one but TWO theme tunes. Do you Americans have any theme tunes? Well, other than the Twin Towers Tango, no.
But other than that, this is the FIRST bit of property destruction/terrorism that London has ever faced. Now, this may sound a bit tetchy, but I'm bored of Americans going on like they're the first country to ever experience buildings falling over. Ever since the theories of 'gravity' and 'combustion' were invented in 1963 by some hippy guy, buildings have been catching fire and falling over. So stop complaining about the Twin Towers, ok, America? I direct this comment mostly at the scores of discussion-board fellas who consider that a country only counts as having taken part in the 'war on terror' if it's first lost a pretty building/mode of transportation some twat with a bomb.
The British response to the entire transport system being blown up and grinding to a halt is entirely different to the American one to some office buildings falling over. On 9/11 (it should be technically 11/9, seeing as the properly be the smallest system of periods of time first, working up - days, months, years... BUT NO... we have to follow the yankee system which MAKES NO SENSE) everybody ran around screaming hysterically, then promptly blew the crap out of some random countries and whinged about it forever. On 7/7 (what the fuck? They're going to need a smoother name than 7/7 if they want to make this thing sound cool. The London Transport Catastrophe. Or THE DAY THE EARTH EXPLODED. Or IT'S RAINING BITS OF BUSES. Sung by a group of chorus girls to the tune of 'It's raining men') everybody got a bit depressed then started queueing to get the boat home. Yes, the boat home.
God, I love Britain. And I especially love our news reportage. Because we're meant to be totally impartial, we're not allowed to state THE FUCKING OBVIOUS.
"Yes, several tube trains and, uh, a bus, have exploded and, uh... at the moment, the hypothesis is that it's a power surge of some sort."
A power surge. Oh man. Not terrorists, no... one of those magic power surges that can take out several trains and an UNLUCKY bus in the space of an hour. And I seriously worship those newsreaders for their ability to take twenty minutes' worth of news, and stretch it out to be a full day's worth of material. The secret? Simple, and in five easy steps you too can be a disaster newsreader:
How to fill up a day's worth of news programming with very little information for Dummies (a reference for the rest of us!)
1: Recap. Allllllways recap. Do so every now and again, just in case somebody has JUST turned on the tv/woken up from a coma. Often, it might be a good idea to recap half way through a sentence. Or even a word.
"And now we go onto our reporter in Picadil- just to recap, the sky is falling and we all are going to die."
2: Flit rapidly between many random newsreaders standing in front of busy streets. Often, it's a good idea to have newsreaders who have no idea what's going on and can't hear what the anchorman is saying. It's also a good idea to cut the reporters off mid-sentence to cut to another reporter.
3: Have interviews with people who happened to be walking past when the incident in question took place. These people should all be unattractive, as to not dirty the viewing pleasure for me, and must all give long rambling statements that make no sense/have very little content.
4: Have long camera shots of nothing in particular. Assure the audience how exciting it all is.
5: Repeat yourself ever five minutes. ALWAYS REPEAT.
And there you go, you're a newsreader.
Also, if you.................. want to be Tony............ Blaire, just look........... sol......... emn, and include an............... irrelevant pause ever...... few............. words. That's all............. you........... nee.................. d.
Ah Tony, King of the Power Pause.
God Bless You, London. Especially tomorrow, when it will probably be a criminal offense to be carrying a suitcase on a train without written permission from, like, fifteen Governmental bodies.
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