Yeah, as you can see, I am totally uninspired tonight.
But I saw Charlie and the Chocolate Factory today for the second time, and it was totally sexy. Sexier, in fact. And I realised why. It all boils down into two simple equations.
Equation number one: Midgets and squirrels = Box Office Gold
There were many midgets in this film. In fact there was just one midget, magically multiplied to equal many midgets. But who cares, all midgets are the same anyway: Put on earth for my amusement. There were also many squirrels. This resulted in me enjoying the film. It's a simple equation. But I don't know if there's another film that features dozens of midgets and dozens of squirrels all in one frame. If such a film exists, please tell me.
Equation number two: The eternal ying-yang of films
Wise man say: You see a bad film, god will send enough good films to balance it out. I saw Madagascar, that fucking piece of shit. I then got to see Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, which balances it out. Except, oh wait, I also saw Fight Club last night. AND Kill Bill. So to successfully wipe out the shit taste in my mouth caused by Madagascar, I was required to watch a virtual modern classic with career best performances by Ed Norton and Brad Pitt, the forth film EVER by Quentin Tarantino with a scene voted as the best fight ever by famous bald guy Al Murray, AND a combination of Burton (the man), Depp (the manly man) and Roald Dahl (the total fucking dude... possibly my hero, I haven't decided yet... either him or Wonderwoman)... THAT'S HOW SHIT MADAGASCAR WAS.
GO AND SEE CHARLIE AND THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY IF YOU WANT HUNDREDS OF ANIMALS MOBBING A YOUNG GIRL AND POSSIBLY KILLING HER (everyone). GO AND SEE MADAGASCAR IF YOU'RE A TOTAL FUCKUP WHO LIKES TO SEE BADLY ANIMATED ANIMALS DANCE AROUND DRIPPING VAGINAL JUICES EVERYWHERE (Steve...fuckwit).
Thank you.
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