YOU FUCKING CUNT, BLOGGER, I TYPE FOR TEN MINUTES AND THEN YOU ERASE IT, I HATE YOU. You know who I blame? John Ritter. Cunt.
Warning: The following post will contain swearing.Anyway, here's the second part of the shit-music post. I would have given you a list of who had previously been on the list, but I did that already and I'll be damned if I'm typing it out again. Just re-read the first part.
Two things to bear in mind when reading this list:
1: Well, I'm an organised guy. So before I even started the 'music' thing, I carefully wrote down my top 20 list on a piece of paper. I then lost the paper after writing numbers 20-11. Then, in my attempts to remember the last ten numbers, I thought up another load of musical things that pissed me off. So then I came up with another list. Then I found the first one again. So I combined the two and came up with a 'top 10' list that actually has far more than 10 items. But fuck it, I'm a rebel who doesn't follow the rules anyway. Screw you guys.
2: Seeing the massive fanbase response after the drunken birthday post, I've decided not to type this post drunk. However, I have decided to, you know, SPICE THIS BLOG UP just a bit, by setting myself a side-challenge. Yes, you guessed it, I'm gonna try to drink a two litre bottle of Sainsbury's Caledonian Sparkling Natural Mineral Water* in ONE SITTING. Using A WINE GLASS. Now, you may think that this isn't THAT outrageous, but you would be wrong. For some reason, the Sainsbury's Caledonian Sparkling Natural Mineral Water is pumped full of the most burning C02 ever to grace bottled water. It's actually painful to drink. But, hey, at least it's not going to kill me, like it did that kid who tried the 'consuming a bottle of bleach while blogging' plan. That's one of the good points of water - it's non toxic.

Neato**. So far, I'm on three glasses consumed, due to the fact that blogger erased this entire fucking post. Time for a fourth. Bartender, water me! Oh, wait, it's just me. A-ha. ON WITH THE LIST:
10: Dead rappers releasing songsNow, forgive me. It's been a while since I've been down in the hood with my homebodies but... I thought the reason that rapperz killed each other was to stop each other producing songs. And I'm no biologist, but Id've thought that the whole 'being dead' would be detrimental to your rap career. That's just me, perhaps the rest of you have some better ideas on the whole 'death' idea. But suddenly it seems that the only way to get a number 1 hit is to be dead.
And apparently death suddenly makes your music really good. Like that Six-pack fellow who died for some reason, then had ELTON JOHN sing on his crappy song. Do you really think that Elton would've done his piano thang if Eight-track had still been alive? Why
I think NOT! In fact, it seems to me that nowadays, the ONLY way to get Elton to play us some music is to kill off a celebrity. Doesn't even have to be a major celebrity (like Diana 'Car Crash' Princess of Wales). Fuck, I bet that it wouldn't have to be a minor celebrity. That guy who used to present
Holiday*** would do. Twat. Man, the more I think about it, the less this seems to be about dead rappers releasing songs. Or music for that matter. In fact, it reminds me of the creepy way that Americans elevate their dead to saintly levels. This then reminded me of small time american comedian John Ritter who fell over dead a few years go, and the amusing way that fans on his messageboard kept going on about him. So I went onto the messageboard to see if I could wind them up. This caused my computer to crash. So I retyped this post again up to this point, saved it, went onto the Ritter message board and clicked on the first thing I saw. THIS IS WHAT I GOT, SOME BULLSHIT FROM SOME MORON:
I don't have anyone in my life that I could look up to. So I look up to John. There aren't a lot of people in this world like John, and when they die, it hurts those who loved them.Morons. You know why there aren't many people in the world exactly like John Ritter? Because JOHN RITTER IS DEAD, and this post has already gone so wildly off topic, I might as well change it to "I hate long dead american comedians"... christ...
Fucking John Ritter, I blame you.
Good news, everyone, I just finished my fourth glass of water, AND I DON'T EVEN NEED TO PEE YET. Fucking hell, I'm only on number 10. I've been typing for like 45 minutes now. Gay.9: Young singersThey just annoy me. Lil Bow-Bang, uh, Jo-Jo, that girl Annie from that film of the same name****, Hilary Duff, Lindsey Lohan. Perhaps I'm just jealous. Nah. To be honest, I hate seeing children on tv doing exciting things. I'm of the opinion that all children should be slightly cynical cunts like me. Anybody who hasn't been crushed by the moronity of the adult world yet deserves a soul-crushing. Sooner better than later*****.
AND WHAT ABOUT THOSE TWATS IN S-CLUB 8. I hope they all get addicted to coke and die. This is a fairly sincere wish.

What is this? The minority circus?^ These guys are all twats. Especially that guy on the far left. STOP WITH THAT SEMI-MOODY EXPRESSION, I CAN'T WAIT UNTIL YOUR FIFTEEN MINUTES IS UP AND YOU REALISE THAT YOU HAVE NO GCSES AND NO PROSPECTS AND YOU END UP WORKING IN WAITROSE YOU LITTLE SHIT.
To be honest, I just don't like children, period. And I think that I'm still technically one of them. Does 17 count as a child? I don't care.
Another glass of water (5) down. I'm also needing the toilet now. Damn you, bladder.8.5: Jamie CullenI don't know, I just find him annoying. And nearly every girl I know likes him, which is reason enough for me to put him in this list. To be honest, he was originally meant to go in at 9.5, but I kind of missed him, and I'll be damned if I'm breaking up the flow-of-consciousness style of this post.
8: Solo female singersDon't get me wrong, I'm not a sexist. I'm sure that females have a lot of important roles in society^^... but to be honest, singing doesn't seem to work for me. Every (and I mean EVERY) female singer today makes me want to set fire to something. I don't know why, but off the top of my head, I can name a good few who I'd like to nail.... gun:
Britney Spears, Charlotte Church,
Ashlee Simpson, Natasha Beddingfield, Avril Latrine,
Gwen Stefani, Ashlee Simpson's sister, Kylie Minogue, Danni Minogue, six glasses of water drunk, Misee Elliot, Miss Dynamite, uh,
Christina Aguilariaia, Tina Turner, Micheal Jackson, Janet Jackson,
Jennifer Lopez^^^, Alanis Morrisette, the woman who did the Titanic soundtrack... that's just off the top of my head. The ones in bold are ones for whom I have particular venom. Beetches. But I dislike all of them pretty intensely.
I dunno why, all female singers just seem to go on about how super it is to have a vagina and how all men are crappy and how rock n roll they all really are. They all just annoy me.
But don't worry, women, I hate solo male singers just as much. It's just, you know, they're male, which immediately pushes them above and beyond this list. La La.
7.5: Craig DavidCome on. Just look at him.
Other than the fact that he looks, acts, dances, dresses and SINGS like a woman, he constantly has a gay little beard (bum fluff) around his mouth. It's as though Craig David is trying to balance out the average gay-values of black music by being extra gay to make up for the homophobia of a lot of ghetto music. Well done, there, Craig. Pity that everyone hates you. And when I say everyone, I mean me.
Seven glasses of water down.7: Linkin ParkI have a think called the 'rebellious index' in my head, right? Now, every time I see a rebellious thing (graffiti, vandalism, violent revolution, baseball cap turned round backwards, Offspring hoodie) I give it a number of 'Rebellious points'. Right. And if you COMBINE two rebellious things (for example, wearing jeans with ripped knee-fabric WHILE beating a policeman to death), the points aren't added together. Oh no. THEY'RE MULTIPLIED. You get me?
But here's the problem with rebellion - if the number of rebellious points in any one event get too high then the pure amounts of teenage angsty rebellion will rip a hole in the fabric of society and cause a full on cultural revolution in which everybody plays by their own rules and the man is well and truly destroyed. Now, you know me. I'm a total urban street fighting PUNK. If anybody wants the end of society as we know it, it's me. Linked with my legendary love of Linkin Park, it would seem to be KRAZY for me to insult Linkin Park (or, as we true fans call them, the LP boyz).
But the thing is... the rebellion of Linkin Park is just TOO WILD. I mean, listening to the LP Boyz actually has more rebellious points than the cuban, american AND french revolutions put together. Just combining 'listening to the LP Boyz' with a mid-level rebellious item (for example, a Che Guevara t-shirt or poster) and the resulting amount of rebellion released would cause even the laws of physics to fail. Atoms would refuse to do as they're told... gravity would go and be moody by itself.
THE WORLD WOULD BE DESTROYED. This Linkin Park is just TOO dark. They will end up destroying THE ENTIRE PLANET.
6: Not the PixiesThe Pixies fucking rule. They are the most awesome band ever. I want
Debaser played at my funeral^^^^. Everything about this band is awesome and, therefore, pretty much anything that's not the Pixies is not awesome, and thus shit. That's all I'm saying on this subject.
I also just finished another glass of water. Boo-ya. What's that now? 7? Or 8? Eight. Wicked.
5.5: The Sound Of MusicI don't mean the actual sound of music (as in... the sound. Of music). No, I mean the musical. Usually, as a rule I don't like musicals. But for some reason, I especially hate this one. I don't know why. Well, actually I do know why. There was a TV show about Britain's favourite movies on 4 last night, and The Sound Of Music was the 2nd most popular film of all time in Britain. It showed some footage of some twats in a movie watching the film. It was a bunch of wanky students who all started singing along. Seriously, they were so into it, they were leaping about, dancing and singing, standing up and waving around their hands.
Losers.
I decided that anything that musical that has so many people acting like twats deserves a special place on this list. And even a picture. This picture is devoted not only to Julie Andrews, but also to anyone who has at any point sung along to The Sound of Music:

Thank you. And I just drank my 9th glass of water. The hills are alive with my manly ways, bitches.
5: 'Artists'I'm pretty sure that I was bitching about this a few months ago, but it bears repeating:
When did everybody start calling musicians 'artists'? I don't get it. They're not artists. They're musicians. Most of them. They sing. Occasionally, they pretend to play the guitar to heighten their cool points. But not artists. This seems to be stroking their egos a touch. Ok, a lot. And then, you start calling them artists, you know what the next logical step is? They start calling their songs 'art'. Listen, Jackson, I may have liked the Alien Ant Farm cover of Smooth Criminal (ooh, that reminds me; lame cover versions would have gone into this list, but I really can't be arsed to do ANOTHER point, so just imagine one at around 6.5), but that doesn't turn your back catalogue into the Louvre.
I'm sick of singers who think that they're the best thing since sliced bread (which is crap, by the way), divas who make outrageous demands, and multi-billionaires who've decided that they need to validate their fucking bank accounts by referring to the half-hearted dribble they produce as art. They should place every 'artist' at the top of the Niagra falls then set fire to them so the only way they can put themselves out is to jump into the waterfall, so they die anyway. Win win situation, really. NEXT!
Oh my god. I just finished my 10th glass of water, thereby ending the bottle of water. Wow.^^^4.5: J-LoNo, I'm not referring to you as "Jennifer Lopez". I don't care that you've realised that J-Lo sounds like a type of toilet cleaner, that's the name that you've forged for yourself, you anorexic bitch, and that's the name that you're gonna be stuck with. Man I hate J-Lo.
She's spoilt, has no talent (come on, shut up), and has fallen for the Will Smith disease - constantly trying to reaffirm the fact that she's still 'down there' with her audience when she has quite plainly not stepped on an actual road for several years. Still Jenny from the block? Yeah right, and I'm still the polish concentration-camp survivor I was seventeen years ago. SHUT UP THAT DIDN'T EVEN MAKE ANY SENSE. You can't 'still be Jenny from the block' if you get carried about everywhere and have your own line of furs. I'm glad Gigli failed. I hope it turns out that your perfumes give people skin cancer. Basically, it seems that the only service J-Lo has done for the world is to take down Ben Affleck. Good for her.
JLO has ceased being a musician - she's not a musician, she's EVERYTHING. She's her own corporation. This is depressing to the extreme that such a cunt should be such a popular singer... she isn't a musician, people... real musicians CARE about their art. Real musicians give EVERYTHING to their music. What if music was banned tomorrow? Would JLO even give a shit? I think NOT.
4: Pop IdolI hate Pop Idol. That's all there is to it. You want a decent overview of how terrible Pop Idol is? Just watch it on tv. In fact, DON'T. If enough people fail to watch it then it won't get another series. Just take my word for it... Pop Idol is the worst thing to happen to music since Hitler rose from the dead and ate James Brown's face.
3: Urban musicI don't like urban music. I don't like the music, I don't like the musicians, I don't like the bands, I don't even like the name of the genre. Since when did urban mean black? I was under the impression that it was to do with cities. So unless white people have suddenly been banned from living in cities for some reason, I incite you to shut up and stop butchering the english language with your annoying buzz-words.
R&B sucks.
Ghetto sucks.
Hip-Hop sucks.
Rap sucks.
Kanye West sucks.
50 Cent is an asshole.
If you can't spell your name correctly, you don't deserve to be a musician.
I know that it's probably in bad taste to stike off entire genres of music, but I believe that, as Ghandi once said:
I don't care... I fucking hate urban music.
Thanks Ghandi!
That's OK, Tom!2: Remixed musicWhat's that? I think I feel a flashback coming on to a past time in my blog...
On Monday, I hitched a ride with the (loser) 1st Eight on the way back from School's head, and they listened to Rave Music all the way. Now, if there was ever a good explanation for them losing (other than most of them being fuckin' jerks) it's rave music.
Its SHIT. Rave music sucks so much. It's like a huge bloody vacuum in dustland, sucking up the little dust people with its giant nozzle of death. It literally sucks THAT much. Here is what rave music is composed of:
a: The 'music'. Well, not really music. Usually its three notes played OVER AND OVER AGAIN AD NAUSEUM, and every three rotations they add another irritating drum beat. Or, failing the drum beat, a squeaky electronic noise. Also, they steal these three notes from other, good songs. It's three fucking notes, dipshit... you don't have to do anything else (in fact, all the creative imput seems possible by a 14 year old using his dad's computer) but you can WRITE THE NOTES. I mean, CHRIST. There are techno-rave remixes of everything. Do you know why the writer of the Pink Panther Theme Tune didn't put his beloved score to the wicked phat beats of a synthesised techno drumkit? Because he knew that it would sound SHIT if he did. Which it does.
Occasionally some bitch with a squeaky voice will pipe up and squeal about 'desire', or 'love' or 'reaching higher'. Well, at a musical level, you can't sink much lower than singing on a rave soundtrack. Hell, whistling in a Physics lesson, just to piss off Mr Clarke has more artistic merit. CHRIST you make me shit.
b: The Disk Jockey or, as I believe you young people call them nowadays, a 'DJ' (that reminds me... I look fucking FIT in a dinner jacket. James Bond can go to hell. Actually, he can go to hell anyway... JUST LET TARANTINO DIRECT THE FUCKING FILM).Couldn't have put it any better myself. Oh wait, I already did. And I know that that's about rave music, not remixes, but that's basically all I wanted to say, and I can't be fagged to think of anything else. If you REALLY want to defend lame remixes of things, just listen to Crazy Frog on loop for a few solid years.
1: Wanky girlrock bandsThere are too many wanky girlrock bands out there. Now, I know that the word 'girlrock' could be seen as confusing for some of the retards out there, but be aware that when I use it, I do NOT mean female rock and roll bands (ie. The Donnas and, uh, The... Spice Girls?). NO. I mean the shitty semi-rock bands who play crappy acoustic versions of everything, sing whiny lyrics about non-rocking things and, to be honest, contribute nothing to the general rock n roll ethos of the day. For example, Goo-Goo Dolls, The Ataris, Muse, McFly, Keane, Coldplay... etc. These guys have pioneered a new version of rock and roll - rock and roll with no balls. They go on about their emotions and how much they love their girlfriends and how much they want to get married. Hell, this should be called, like,
emotional rock or
emo or something and should be riteously reviled as the shitty practise it is.
Seriously, THESE GUYS are the reason that rock has become such a fucking degraded form of music in recent years. Rock used to mean something, you know?^^^^^ It was living close to the edge; getting stoned and cracked every night; performing totally smashed
*. It was truly not following any of the rulez. And now look at it. Rock is fast becoming lame. The original fore-founders of rock
* worked long and hard to give it it's cool dues, and now the modern music and entertainment media have attached a hosepipe to their collosus and are sucking it dry. You now have rock and roll two year olds. Rock n roll barbies. Rock n roll cartoon characters. Every fucking band with a guitar is now described as a rock star. All these new solo singers are desperately trying to stylise themselves as 'rockers', what with their ripped clothes and their longish dyed hair and their small tatoos. They sing moody sounding songs with videos with everyone dancing around factories, spray painting things and doing that sign of the devil thing. They writhe about clutching electric guitars that they don't have the slightest clue how to play. Wow.
NEWSFLASH, BITCHES, YOU ARE NOT ROCK AND ROLL. IT DOESN'T MATTER HOW YOU DRESS. NONE OF YOU ARE ROCK AND ROLL. YOUR SONGS ARE NOT ROCK AND ROLL. YOU GO TO BED AT 11 EVERY NIGHT. YOU DON'T DRINK. YOU EAT GRANARY BARS. YOU WRITE SONGS ABOUT HOW MUCH YOU LOVE YOUR GIRLFRIEND. YOU THINK THAT DRUGS ARE FOR LOSERS. CBBC APPROVES OF YOU. YOUR MUSIC VIDEOS ARE FULLY ANIMATED. YOU PROBABLY STILL WET THE BEDS. NOW FUCK OFF AND LISTEN TO ASHLEE SIMPSON.Booooooooooooooo. I'm not joking, the only current young 'rock star' I can think of is Pete Doherty, and that's only because the modern tabloid newspapers all hate him. Good, that means that at least he's doing SOMETHING right.
The rest of them... christ. These cunts are killing rock. Fuck it, they're killing music. Why couldn't you guys bastardise R&B? But no. You have to sink your hooks into rock.
I HATE YOU.
Well, there you go. It's been a journey. To be honest, Wanky Girlrock Bands weren't my number 1 item, but I just can't bear the thought of more typing. So... I guess that it'll forever be a mystery, eh, kitten? Oh yeah, and comment. I don't do this for my own amusement. Well I do. And also vote me top blog. The little brown box. I'll be fucked if Bored on the Beach wins again.*Drawn from the Campsie Fells, Lennoxtown - where the good water comes from! Etc.
**NB: The water bottle shown in the picture is not actually a bottle of Sainsbury's Caledonian Sparkling Natural Mineral Water.* It is only used for display purposes. Sainsbury's Caledonian Sparkling Natural Mineral Water* is actually in a much bigger looking bottle which is impossible to find anywhere on the internet.
***This reminds me of a totally unrelated joke from the Edinbururururugh Sideburn Festival. It was told by some comedians or other, and hey, it made me laugh:
The dodo died. Then Dodi died, Di died and Dando died... Dido must be shitting herself. Well, it's kind of amusing.
****I hate this girl with a passion.
*****Yes, man, I was raised on the STREETS. I know how the world workz, kk?
^This was not a racist comment. I do not believe that minorities belong in circuses. Circuses? Circii? Whatever. Except perhaps for those disabled kids with the bulging eyeballs. Cool man.
^^Cooking, cleaning, shopping, sewing, birthing the babies, feeding the babies, changing the babies, babysitting for the babies of other men, holding the cards that show us which round it is in boxing, making cars look appealing in adverts, tending to the menfolk, bikini models, acting as impromptu draught excluders, milking the sheep, providing something to do at night, as eye candy, baking, and as bargaining material when the chief of the next camp over is threatening war.
^^^But more on her later...
^^^^This is not a joke. Could somebody please tell my parents?
^^^^^As you can tell, I am a hardcore rock and roll megastar... I KNOW what I'm talking about, bitches.
^Shall I reveal that I had a two hour break while writing this, during which time I went to the toilet twice? No, I shan't.
*For some reason, I can really respect somebody doing something under the influence of alcohol. Anything suddenly gains a cool value with alcohol. "Yeah, we did that maths competition" - loserish. "Yeah, we did that maths competition completely plastered" - cool and funny, in my opinion. But I only got 9A*s at GCSE. What do I know, other than EVERYTHING?
**Known as the 'founding rock-daddies' to the hardcore fans, like me. Man I'm hardcore.