Quicky, the Nesquik Bunny
1: Just look at him. What a twat.
2: What kind of crappy name is Quicky? Seriously, who the fuck thought up the name for this thing? I bet whoever it was got paid a suitcase full of money for taking the second syllable of the product and adding a 'y'. Its like those guys who had to come up with a new name for the university in Exeter, got paid £20,000 and came up with "Exeter University" or "The University of Exeter". Except that's the sort of inspired lameness that I can look up to, even admire. Naming your mascot 'Quicky' is not.
A list of other possible names for this cunt:
- Nessie.
- Nesquikky.
- Choco-ricky-quicky.
- Bruce.
- Choco the Bunny.
- Efram the Retarded Rabbit.
- Arnold.
3: I just plain don't like Nestle. And not just because of the accent in the name that means that I can't type it on blogger for fear that it'll end up a big turd of HTML nonsense, but also because apparently they sold poison milk to schoolchildren. Don't get me wrong, I'm all for killing young children. I'm just against their infuriating attempts to re-ingratiate themselves with society.
Nestle, you got caught poisoning african babies, yeah? Yeah? Sure, it was a 'mistake'. I believe you, ok? Stop pretending it didn't happen with your 'Nestle and Africa' Schemes and your charity drives and all your corporate bullshit*. Accept the fact that you're a bunch of murdering cunts - stop trying to be the ex-paedophile at the materinity ward - SOME US STILL REMEMBER YOU AND YOUR CLOWN COSTUME. Don't try and hide your past. Accept it. Run with it. Make a feature of it. Be PROUD of your pro-profit anti-babies nature. Start genocidal programs. Have boxes covers showing Quicky napalming fleeing bushmen. "For ever box of Nesquik you buy, one of our highly trained mercenaries will be able to rape 14 women, ethnically cleanse 4 hamlets and play volleyball with the bodies of 54 murdered babies". It'd please me.** And you could even grind up the dead bodies and make Nesquik Extra (the added ingredient is PEOPLE)- but I think that I've gone too far already. To be honest I probably went too far about ten sentences ago, but then I was hit by my wave of imagination and I just couldn't stop the beat.
4: He's a rabbit. Woah, man, I'm getting a headrush from all the originality that's being THROWN around here. A BROWN rabbit, exactly the same colour as Co-Co Pops Monkey. Did that monkey have a name? Or is he too locked in his eternal battle with the dark forces of Krafty Krok to bother with such things as names? I'm not complaining, there's a certain refreshingness about a monkey with no name. Hey, at least Co-Co Monkey is cool. He has a dangerous edge. I can imagine Co-Co Monkey going rabid and killing a bunch of japanese tourists before being tranquilised and destroyed by park rangers. He has that dangerous side to him. But Quiky the rabbit? He's... a... sodding... RABBIT. God's evolutionary dead end. And not just any rabbit, A BIOLOGICALLY RETARDED RABBIT. He stands up straight. He wears clothes. He probably lives in a REALLY COOL PAD, in dowtown Cerealsville, with all his cereal-mascot friends (crappy ones, like the bee on Honey Nut Cheerios - none of the GOOD mascots like Quicky). He even has fingers. RABBITS DON'T HAVE FINGERS. THEY DON'T HAVE THUMBS EITHER. RABBITS DON'T WEAR CLOTHES. THEY LIVE UNDERGROUND AND EAT THEIR OWN POO.
5: The pitiful attempt to make Quicky*** 'urban' and 'cool', 'in touch with the youthful demographic' with his wearing of 'hip' yellow 'b-ball' clothes, 'wicked' baggy jeans and even the ultimate touch of wicked negro-related style- a BASEBALL CAP ON BACKWARDS. Yes, you heard me. That backwards baseball hat says it all. This is a rabbit who don't take no shit from no-one. With his hat backwards he'll really take any of you down a peg for messin' with his flooow.
This really pisses me off. Lame corporate raping of youthful subcultures, taking only the most superfluous aspects and then brutally exploiting them until it no longer becomes cool and in fact becomes embarassing. I bet if you asked Quiky what music he likes he'd say 'rock n roll'. AND THEN THEY'D PICTURE HIM WITH A GUITAR, JUST TO FUCK UP ANOTHER THING THAT HAD TO TAKE ITS SWEET TIME TO BE COOL. "I'm Quiky****, I listen to non-threatening girly rock like BUSTED or MCFLY or GREEN DAY!"
Man I'd like to play Quicky a bit of LINKIN PARK. The L-Pizzle boys would seriously BLOW HIS PUNY MIND. Some of the rockin' links those LP Boyz throw down... man, the lyrics of 'One Step Closer' made me rethink my life, put down the bottle of aspirin and get a job as a full time rocker. And it's not just being able to PLAY the music, Quikky. That means nothing. It's knowing WHY IT NEEDS TO BE PLAYED. That's what Linkin Park have got down: they know that we NEED them to just break the contraints of our meaninglessly corporate society, and so they play their delicious blend of nu-gritty-grindhouse-rock-with-occasional-ghetto-beats-from-the-main-man-Jay-Zee day in and day out. They rock night and day so we don't have to. And yet, here's some shitty little rabbit demeaning and crapping all over that. SHAME ON YOU, QUIKY. YOU SUCK.
There. Quikky, you have been well and truly PWNED!
Wow, I just wasted 45 minutes rinsing a cartoon bunny. Good job I don't have an English Literature essay on how Bram Stoker achieves tension in chapters 1-4 of Dracula to do, eh?
*Oh man, the corporations, man, they're EVERYWHERE, man. I'll be forced to listen to some Linkin Park just to get the stink of authoritarian conformism out of my skin pores. REBELLION FOREVER!
**Thinking about it, I'd probably not be, but it WOULD be refreshing to have a large company blowing up infants and generally being dastardly.
***That's actually painful to type. DAMN YOU NESQUIK.
****Quicky, Quiky, Quikky, I don't care. It's all just minorly different strains of the same bacterial colon-infection of a mascot.
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