If I could be any food, do you know what I'd be? Guacamole. Well, thinking about it, NOT guacamole, because it's so delicious that it would soon get eaten by hungry passers by and then I'd cease to be. Instead I'd be something that goes WITH the guacamole, say a piece of steak or a chilli flavoured mexican tortilla chip, so that my last moments on earth could be surrounded in a big bowl of the green stuff. And when I say green stuff, I mean guacamole.
And now, a few words on the HISTORY of guacamole. Seriously, why they don't teach this stuff at school I don't know. Instead I have like four essays on the frickin Nazis to do. What's so impressive about the Nazis? So they nearly wiped out the entire jewish population in Europe? Big woop, there's a lot of difference between NEARLY and COMPLETELY. They just didn't go for that last push to the finish line. Laziness, that's what I call it. I don't see why I should be writing an essay on a lazy regime that wasn't quite prepared to stretch itself to the max to Get the Job Done. Show me a master-race that's successful in totally wiping out an ethnic group, and I'll show you some essays. But I continue:
Guacamole was invented back in 1883 by a poor Mexican family in the town of 'Las Ninas Del Maria Madre De Christo El Hermano del Perro de Franco del Tengo una Bocadilla'. Of course, back then, it was known as guacamole. Fun fact: The mexican family were originally looking for an inexpensive alternative to God, but instead stumbled across the most delicious thing ever. After the initial discovery, guacamole was banned by the British for being just too delicious, so cartels of guacamole dealers were set up all across Southern America, giving it out in teeny-tiny amounts. A mexican would work, picking beans, for years on end, just to save up for a single teaspoon of guacamole. Of course, all this fast-trading of guacamole soon led to the nasty 'Guacamole war' of 1914-18 in Europe. However, once people learnt how to make the delicious guacamole, the guacamole dealers were put out of business and went back to cocaine. Over the years, guacamole has been used in medecines (notably, the infamous 'Grandpa Max's Guacamole Tonic', which was 30% Guacamole and 70% octopus), alcoholic beverages, building materials, as holy water, cut with cocaine and even as a cheap replacement for petrol in Mexican cities. Those crazy Mexicans. In fact, it was once even used to execute an inmate in a prison in Texas. Later, however, guacamole executions were scrapped for budget reasons. A sad day for us all.
More guacamole facts:
- There is a shade of paint known as 'guacamole green'. In fact, the entire sky of the Sistine Chapel Ceiling is in guacamole green. It looks blue because of a clever system of colour contrasts and shadow effects.
- It's a strong aphrodisiac, especially when eaten with seaweed.
- Guacamole is delicious with the following things: Steak, lamb, chips, crisps, pringles... basically anything.
- Good guacamole is always lumpy and chunky, yet still deliciously smooth. A strange paradox, for sure, it's driven many men mad trying to describe its texture.
- Never buy pots of guacamole from supermarkets. Supermarket guacamole contains bleach in an attempt to poison unwary guacamole-addicted Mexicans. And it tastes shit. ALWAYS make it yourself.
- The following bands suck: Snow Patrol, Green Day, and Hard Fi. This has nothing to do with guacamole, but I don't think that anybody's complaining.
- Scientists are unable to class guacamole into a food-group. Is it a dip? Is it a sauce? Is it a complement? Is it a food in its own right? Nobody knows. It's one of the great unanswered mysteries of the universe, along with the Easter Island Sculptures and penguins. Personally, I think that guacamole counts as food in its own right, just because I can imagine myself making a 10 gallon drum of it and then gorging myself until I turn guacamole-green, but then again, there are those who are convinced that it's a paste. Freaks.
- Guacamole actually has nothing to do with guaca moles, which are a small type of underground dwelling rodents that live in southern Bradford.
- In the zombie movie 'Dawn of the Dead', guacamole was used to get the correct blood effect.
- Guacamole is actually the most fat free foodstuff about. No jokes, it has less fat per gram than rice-bread.
- There's a special medical condition for Not Liking Guacamole. It's called Being dead.
- Because of its deliciousness, guacamole is banned in Australia, France, Sweden and New Mexico
My recipe for making guacamole
By now you should be wanting to have some of this delicious stuff yourselves. WELL GUESS WHAT, YOU'RE IN LUCK. Here's my master's guide to making guacamole:
You will need: One avocado, some small tomatoes, an onion, some hot chillis, salt, some pixie dust, and a sharp knife.
1: Peel the avocado. The skin should come off nice and easily. If it doesn't, and if the flesh of the avocado is hard and unyielding, you should get another avocado. If you don't have another avocado, use the crappy one, but be aware that your guacamole might be a touch weird. De-stone the avocado. Wave the knife about and go AYUH, I AM JACKIE CHAN.
2: Slice the onion into itty bitty pieces. Same goes with the tomato and the chillis. Put them to one side.
3: Oh my god, I'm giving out a recipe on my blog. I'm like Jamie Oliver or something. Except without the AIDS.
4: Take your two halves of avocado, then slice them into quarters, then eighths, then sixteenths. Then just chop the shit out of what you have left. The consistency of the avocado should be such that you can slice through with little/no pressure. Some people like to use a food liquidiser to chop up the avocado. These people are stupid. Do not listen to them. Listen to me. For I am the guacamole king.
5: Mix in the onion, tomato and chilli bits. Add a twist of salt.
6: Chop everything together. You should pretty soon get a nice paste. Whatever you do, don't chop too finely. Remember: you should be able to trowel it around with your knife, but it shouldn't be too fine. Chunky is good.
7: Once you're done, eat the guacamole. I prefer to take it into a cupboard and eat it jealously and quickly with my fingers, making sure that nobody is around to steal my precious, precious guacamole, but you could use crisps or something. It's also good with steak.
Hurrah for guacamole!
*Pronounced guacamole.
**If I was being ironic, I'd say something like "Well I sure want to see the new 50 Cent movie, in which I'm sure he gives an amazing performance and is paid a decent amount of money that he fully deserves due to his massive amount of talent" and then I'd laugh heartily and post a picture like this:
But I'm not being ironic. So there was no point in even saying that. Or making that picture.
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