Here's the advert in full:
Black girl is in her room. Hears gunshots outside. Runs outside, sees dead guy on floor. Starts crying.
BLAM... we're in a ballroom. Everyone's wearing stupid masks, except for one ugly woman who starts yowling some song.
Cut back to girl crying over dead guy. Now, some girls look really fit when they cry. Not this girl. This girl is just plain OOOOOO-GLAYYYYYY. She's uglier than a piece of wood carved to look like Moe Molem. An ugly piece of wood. Carved with a spade.
Cut back to queen yowly in the ballroom. She's still yowling.
FLASHBACK... boy is alive. Boy and girl prance around doing gay emotional relationship stuff.*
Cut back to girl on street. She's really really upset that her boyfriend is dead.** She gets surrounded by a gang of onlookers and some policemen who do nothing.
FLASHBACK... boy/girl make out in a bedroom. OH MY GOD, I JUST REALISED THAT THEY'RE WEARING JEANS. I WANT SOME RIGHT NOW.
Cut back to yowlzilla in the ballroom. SHE IS STILL SINGING. When I say singing, I mean 'screaming random sounds at the ceiling in an attempts to convey passion, while failing and just conveying haemarroids'. This has already gone on for like six minutes.
FLASHBACK... boy and girl are STILL making out in bedroom. Christ.
Back to girl on street. She's so upset, she happens to be singing along with yowly in the ballroom. She pulls out a mobile phone and pretends to shoot at the policeman. The policeman shoots HER FREEZE FRAME.
Yowly is still yowling.
Cut back to bedroom. Boy/girl lie on bed. But that's not important. What are they wearing? OH MY GOD IT'S JEANS. "H&M&denim: Jeans with soul" appears on the screen. Everything goes dark.
Oh man, what a journey. I really want some jeans now that H&M have wasted six minutes of my life on their shitty advert. If I die and I'm just six minutes away from discovering the elixir of life and all my scientific work gets destroyed and humanity gets killed in a plague, do you know who's fault it'll be? That's right, H&M's. Twats. I have yet to find a single person who likes that advert. I think after wasting thousands of dollars on an advert that everyone hates, H&M would issue a public apology to everyone and stop showing it. BUT NO. THEY'RE PROUD OF IT. I managed to get a sneak interview with Jorgen Andersson, marketing director of H&M, and person responsible for this advert:
Me: Thanks, Jorgen, for giving me this interview.
JS: ...
Me: So, Mr Andersson, why do you use two s's in your name when its quite clear that one would work just as well? And why is your name Jorgen when it quite obviously should be Jordan? Were your parents really cruel, or just bad spellers?
JS: ...
Me: I'll take that as a yes for both. So tell us about the advert.
JS: There's enough comedy in advertising today. And jeans are not about laughs, jeans are love and soul and tears. That's what we're trying to emphasize with this tragic and beautiful Romeo & Juliet story.***
Me: Woah. I've been using my jeans totally incorrectly for my entire life. All those times that I was wearing jeans and I happened to laugh... man, I should have been crying or doing something soulful instead. Wow, you guys at H&M sure showed ME.
JS: A pair of jeans is the only kind of clothing where true feelings are involved.
Me: And there I was, thinking that jeans simply consisted of several bits of denim stitched together to make a covering for the legs to protect against cold when ACTUALLY they represent the entire gamut of human emotion. God bless you, jeans - the soulful trousers. Compared to jeans, chino's don't stand a fucking CHANCE. And you ruin the shit of those stupid strappy trousers that grungers used to wear.
JS: Every pair of &denim jeans is the start of another true denim love story.
Me: Piss off.
Seriously, man, wtf? "Jeans are the only kind of clothing where true feelings are involved." What the HELL is that meant to mean? This kind of corporate doublespeak actually makes me ill. No joke, that website gave me a frickin' migraine. It reads like one of my english literature essays when I have no idea what the book is about and I have only five minutes until the deadline so I just write a page of incredibly vague non-sequitors that actually make no sense and have very little to do with the book and have no grammar/vocabulary and happen to go on forever kind of like this sentence but it doesn't matter because I still get an A* because I RULE at english and even my crappily thought out word-burps are still like 50% better than everyone in my school... Am I getting a big head? I hope so.
But depressingly, this isn't the worst bit of corporate rubbish I've seen. Although it's pretty poor, at least it's still an advert for jeans. Doesn't compare to Honda, who apparently haven't actually made anything for the past year and a half.
Yes, they were responsible for like the best advert of last year (the cog one... awesome), but then have totally ruined the world with their semi-philosophical moronic pro-hippy japanese feng-sui moron bullshit. Instead of bringing out any products, they choose to have some guy with a semi-gravelly voice and a nicely clipped grey beard in a suit (I have never seen this guy, but that's what I assume he looks like) telling us about 'the power of dreams' or 'you-may-oh-katara, the japanese word for the power to make your dreams happen' or how Honda is always 'making dreams happen'. Basically, all it seems that Honda does is talk about dreams and then make them happen. And with all these dreams and crazy imaginings, what does Honda make? Water pumps, lawnmowers and snowblowers. WOAH, FAR OUT DUDE.
Then they did that advert that said that "hate is good". I think there was some bizarre bit of philosophy behind this reasoning but I was too busy tying a noose around my neck and hoisting it from the hook in the ceiling to really pay attention. Apparently Honda have decided that having a crappy hippy outlook in their advertising is going to change the fact that they're really a big evil corporation... and who the fuck buys cars from Honda anyway? NOBODY. YOU GUYS SUCK.
And then Orange jumped on the bandwagon with some bullshitty adverts about some street cleaning hobo who suddenly started dancing and everybody loved him. Orange had nothing to do with him, but have bought his existence to sell crappy phones. And even Mars bars have a new 'feel good philosophy Mars bar moment' thing going on. And Sainsburys has a new 'try something new today' ethic. WHY HAVE I SEEN ALL THESE ADVERTS? I DON'T WATCH THAT MUCH TELEVISION. Man, everyone is stupid except me. To be honest, the only advert that is in anyway good is the new CILIT BANG advert with the one and only... BARRY SCOTT. He's so manly. And in the latest advert, Barry S has a girlfriend called Jill. But even when he's talking to her, he yells like he's selling her something. I love Barry. He's the man. So in conclusion, here are the products that I advise you to buy:
- Cillit Bang power crime and lime trigger.
- Cillit Bang universal degreaser.
- Cillit Bang Universal Power crystals.
- "Cillit Bang and me: A life as the manliest man in the entire world" by Barry Scott (available in all good bookshops)
And here are products that I advise you not to buy:
- Anything from H&M, but in particular the jeans.
- Anything from Honda.
- Orange phones/contracts.
- The Green Day album. Because Green Day SUCKS.
- Mars bars.
- Anything. Just starve to death, you fat cunts.
Reason why I hate H&M number 17: I'm unable to type 'H&M' without first stopping to search for the '&' button on the keyboard... wankers.
*I don't get all the emotional relationship stuff on tv. Or in movies, films, books, or in songs. I mean, I have a girlfriend, and we never walk down the beach holding hands. Or sit at benches and throw stones into the river. Or sing ballads at each other's window. Maybe I'm a bad boyfriend. Oh well, judging by the rest of my friends and their girlfriends, I'll turn into a blubbering vagina of whingy girl-speak in about a month. "Oooh I love you baby I hope we can last forever YOU PEOPLE MAKE ME SICK.
**And another thing. I know that you're my girlfriend and all, Lucia, but if you were to be killed off by a rival gang in a vicious drive-by (or drive-buy), I don't think that I'd be THAT bummed. I mean, yeah, I'd probably hold up on replacing you for a couple of weeks, but would I be crying in the middle of the street surrounded by a gang of concerned onlookers? Noo-oo. I'd probably go to the funeral, but I wouldn't buy a new suit for it or throw myself into the grave or give a speech or anything. Yeah, I probably am a bad boyfriend. Oh well.
***Actually taken off the H&M website. I could not make up this shit.
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