Here's a post dedicated to you. You kings of Maine, you princes of New England, you getters of tonsil surgery. Now, not a lot of people know this about me, but as well as being a gold-winning Olympic rower, boxer AND high-jumper, I'm also a fully trained surgeon, specialising in the mouth, nose and throat area. So I know EVERYTHING there is to know about tonsil surgery. Seriously, everything. Go on, ask me anything. Anything at all. So, seeing as somebody reading this blog might be having tonsil surgery rather soon, I've decided to write up a quick instructional leaflet to tell you all everything you need to know about the most painful and dangerous surgery on the market:
Dr Thomas's Guide to Surgery of The Tonsils
First thing first: What ARE Tonsils?. That's an interesting question. Now, until ten years ago, tonsils occupied the same space in medical textbooks as ears: medical mysteries. Nobody knew what they were or what they did. It was only after some pioneering medical experimentation by famous Doctor H. Shipman that we discovered that tonsils actually have the purpose of stopping one from drowning in one's own bile at night. They also prevent one from accidentally swallowing one's own teeth after ingesting cold food. Because of this, it's generally advised against removing them, but with the correct surgery and a decent pair of tonsil-bolts, tonsil-removees can get through life eating chilly food and with a miminum of bile-draining at night. So that's good.
What qualifications do you need to perform surgery of the Tonsils? Amazingly, the answer to this is: none at all. Because tonsil surgery is such a pioneering field, there are no tonsil surgery exams or specialising boards of excellence. It's fully legal for anybody to walk into an operating theatre and perform the operation, even if he's blind drunk, naked, a woman, or on fire. Of course, I strongly advise that you don't allow a woman to perform surgery on you, and a qualified doctor IS preferable to just some random hobo off the street. Usually, NHS hospitals have fully trained doctors. But then again, with recent budget cuts, that guy with AIDS and the long fingernails who'll do it for a fiver and a pack of clean needles who keeps hanging around A&E biting people might seem rather appealing... To be honest, if you're going through surgery of the tonsils, I wouldn't worry about the qualifications of the doctor. You'll be ethered up to your High Heaven before he even sets his bleary, bloodshot eyes on you.
The tools of the trade: Ah, now we get to the FUN stuff. Tools for tonsil surgery are still rather in their crude stages, I'm afraid. The most important three instruments however, are the surgical chisel, the surgical soldering iron and the surgical pliars. A surgical mallet may also be useful in order to hack through any irritating bone-material. A large surgical moist towelette could also be used to dab the sweat off the arm muscles of the surgeon doing the chiselling. And, of course, a surgical bucket/hose to catch the majority of the goutage and to clean off the ceiling after the procedure.
Interestingly, Professor Ling-Lang-Ping of the Taiwan Tonsil Institute is pioneering a brand NEW surgical device guaranteed to perform the surgery a lot quicker AND less painfully (for the surgeon... it removes the chiselling blisters). Just feast your eyes on the CUTTING EDGE of tonsil surgery equipment:
Wow. Of course, this tool is ONLY in the experimental stages. Already, several prisoners of war have been treated with this equipment, and two of them survived! So exciting stuff for the future. But of course, we current tonsil surgeons use the good old fashioned tried and tested tools and techniques. By now, I'm sure that you're asking How does the procedure happen? Well, that IS a good question.
First of all, we ether the patient. This is done with a triple folded sheet of Bounty (extra absorbant) placed over the nose of the patient. We then pour ether onto the sheet until the patient is unconscious. Due to the fumes, we do not use a full dosage of ether and it's not uncommon for patients to wake up MID OPERATION! Ha ha, how we all laugh when THAT occurs. But don't worry if that happens - you won't suddenly feel searing pain, odds are the dosage was only enough to knock you unconscious and you were fully aware of what was going on the entire time.
Following the ether, the REAL fun begins. The doctor might wash his hands or something and change into a nice woollen tonsil-surgery smock. Then comes the 'cracker' - we'll vice open the jaw so its wide enough to fit in the chisel. Amazingly, many patients of tonsil surgery have impressively widened jawbones following the operation. So much so that they're no longer able to speak. Although, to be honest, this is a common side effect.
The doctor will then go into the mouth and, using his surgical chisel, will hack out enough flesh/gristle/bone matter so that the tonsils are fully loosened from the tonsil beds. Then, using the pliars, the tonsils are ripped loose and placed into a petri dish. The dish is then sealed and sent away for experimentation. The gushing tonsil-beds then might be seared shut with the surgical soldering iron. This is done so the tonsils do not grow back: it's a commonly held theory that tonsils will actually regrow in larger numbers if the surgery is not performed successfully.
Ah, so you want to have the surgery... but what should you bear in mind before ticking the box that says "I give my consent for this operation and will not sue if I am mutilated"? Yes, the possible side effects. Well, these involve, but are not limited to:
- Brain haemorraging
- Muteness.
- Fever of the brain.
- Lockjaw.
- Squareness of the neck.
- Breaking of voice.
- Having lots of little tonsils growing all over your face and neck until you DIE.
- Shephard's palsy.
- Cowbell.
- AIDS (we frequently forget to clean the pliars).
- Cillit Bang.
- Mime-fever.
- Severe mental anguish.
- High-clottitis.
- Green Day.
- Falling out of teeth.
- Oozing.
- Alzheimer's Disease.
- A constant dizzy feeling.
- Vomiting.
- Both Crimson AND Clover. Over and over.
- Constant pain for the rest of your life.
- Inability to sing soprano.
- Inability to communicate in anything OTHER than soprano.
- Hallucinations.
- Castration.
- Ulcers.
- Amnesia.
- Little bubbles of air in your veins.
- Tonsilitis.
- Spontaneous sex change.
- Cancer of the FACE.
- And, of course, Death.
Before you panic, please bear in mind that a good few of these are unlikely.
Well, that's my review of Surgery of the Tonsils. That's all folks. If you're my girlfriend and you're having surgery of the tonsils tomorrow, I hope that I've helped to soothe your fears somewhat. Good luck.
YOU'RE GOING TO NEED IT.
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