PIcture the scene. You're sitting on the train, listening to Tarantula (DJ Tiesto Remix) by Faithless on your brand new iPod Photo 20gb. Suddenly, a shadow falls across your... head. You smell the pungent mixture of cheapo imitation perfume and plastic clothing. You look up. You see the shine of the shaved head and the acne scarred face. The cold dead eyes. The Burberry goodness. The gold medallion. The corncob pipe.
"Oh crap!" you think. "The lower class! They've come for me at last!"
"Gimme your ipod blud or like I knife you right in de head mate blud yeah yeah bust me yer ipod wicked boo-bah I LISTEN TO BECK!" he cries, in a voice that would make a baby kitten beat itself to death with a hammer due to FEAR.
"Uh... what?" you say, confused. Being middle class and not state-school educated, you communicate in real english. Not monkey.
"Yo ma bizzle, ling me the ipod to the shrizzel or I done palm you in the face STARTIN' BLUD I KNIFA YA!" he says and makes a grab for your iPod. You're about to jacked by a PIKEY. And TWO of his earring-wearing mates. They're all bigger than you. And they were all raised on the mean streets of Shepperton, so they can FIGHT.
WHAT DO YOU DO?
This is an event that has occurred to pretty much every person ever*. Now, there are many possible ways you could react. You could react the wussy way, which would be to just give him the iPod and cry yourself to sleep for the rest of the week. This isn't a good way to react. I know, that's what the teachers tell you. "Just give them what they want, that way you won't get hurt, and you're more important than any silly old iPod any day," they say. The teachers are idiots. I advise you never to listen to them about anything ever. Then there's the other way - get up and run for your life. This is known as the cowardly way: you end up running away. Then you lose your masculinity. Yes, all of it. Do you know that only women run away from things? I'm not lying, that's a scientifically proven fact. If you run away from anything, your gonads will fall off and you'll get a vagina. I can't think of anything worse. Real men just stand there and get blown up.
So there's the wussy way. There's the cowardly way. What's the other way, I hear you cry? WHAT IS IT?
Then there's the chainsawzombie.blogspot.com way. Here's my list of 100 GUARANTEED pikey get-rid-of-methods.** Keep these safe, and use them well, and you will never be beaten up and robbed by the lower class ever again:
1: Stare at the pikey in a long baleful way for a good minute. Then sigh deeply, shake your head, and turn up your iPod. Start to bop your head to the music. Ignore the pikey.^
2: Leap up, yell "HALLO SERGIO!" in your best Italian accent, kiss the pikey on both cheeks, then strut down the street.^
3: Scream the lyrics of whatever song you're listening to.^
4: Play dead. Just roll over on your back and go limp. Try to soil yourself.^
5: Violent method 1: Right, you put on your cool black sunglasses. Then, BLAM, you give a jackboot-to-the-neck of the fat pikey on the left before he can react. Then you spin round gracefully, like a delicate ballet dancer, and give a horrific kung-fu punch to the groin of number 2, before grabbing his neck and running around the walls, breaking it in exactly fifteen places. Only one pikey left now; leap into the air. At this point, I'm reliably told that everything will go into freeze frame and the camera will rotate 360 degrees around you. When this happens, kick the final pikey in the chest. He should fly out of the window and plummet to his death. Go back to listening to your music, safe in the knowlege that you've made the world a better place.^
6: Stare motionless ahead of you. Drool.
7: Right, you give the pikey your phone, right, but its a BOOBY TRAPPED PHONE, and then when he finally gets round to using he, he'll find that it's actually just a dog toy and he'll look like quite a twat. Of course, you've also covered it in a thin layer of highly concentrated sulphuric acid, and he's permanently scarred on his hand/ear. That'll teach him.
8: Offer him sweets. But poisoned sweets. Laugh as he eats them and his stomach wall disintegrates.
9: Offer him crisps. But poisoned crisps. Laugh as he eats them and then drowns in his own BLOODY BROWN PHLEGM.
10: Offer him crips. But poisoned crips. Laugh as he tries to eat them, then wake them up and get them to attack him with their little walking sticks and the stumps where their legs used to be.
11: "Gimme your phone, blud."
"Ok. You gimme your nice hat first."
"No mate blud mate bluuuud."
"Why not? This isn't very fair."
"Because mate I'm JACKING YOU."
"Ok, you can have it, but only if I get your nice medallion. The phone's worth at least... fifteen times more than it? And I got this phone for £15 at MiddleKlassFones4U."
Then, while he's confused, you beat him about the head with an iron pole.
12: Just repeat everything he says in a high pitched, whiny voice.^
13: Violent method number 2: "Ok, you can have my phone". *Hand the pikey the phone, but just as he touches it, press the hidden button that releases the electro shock. The pikey gets 10000 volts and falls back, screaming. You then withdraw your Walther PPK and shoot him in the kneecaps, before elbowing the second pikey in the face, knocking him unconscious immediately. Then have a long exciting fight scene with the final one that ends up at a clifftop above a bunch of, I don't know, pirhanas or something. Finally kick the third pikey into the pirhanas. Strip down into a white tuxedo and go seduce a beautiful thermo-dynamic physicist. Say something witty.* "Well, I knew that SOMETHING was fishy around here." A HA HA! I'm so witty. SOMETHING FISHY. AHAHHAHAHA I'M SO GOOD.
14: Laugh cruelly and walk away, giving the pikey self esteem problems for the rest of his life.^
15: Ask for a big mac and chips.^
16: Yell 'YOU CAN'T SEE ME, I'M INVISIBLE!' Then wander about doing the 'walk like an egyptian' dance.^
17: Somehow trick him into tying his own shoelaces together, than slap him and run away.^
18: For this method to work, you have to be dressed like/be a pirate. Get to your feet and yell "So YE WISHES TO STEAL ME BOOTY, EH, LAND LUBBER? IT'S WALKING THE PLANK FOR YE!" Then make the pikey walk the plank. Sharks are preferable.
19: Say "You call THAT a knife? THIS is a knife!". Then get out a quill.^
20: Take a photo of said pikey. Start a blog. Then photoshop said pikey into embarassing poses and put it on the internet.
21: Violent method number 3: Ok, turn your iPod to Linkin Park. Then, bolstered by the sheer manly teenage rebellion ANGST of the official Best Band Ever, go into slow motion. This should give you enough time to stand up and rip the heads of two of the pikeys clear off their shoulders GORILY. Then take the two heads and bring them together (almost like the logs on the AT-STs in the wood in Return of the Jedi, starring Harrison Ford and Carrie Fisher) on HIS head, which should explode in a mess of gooeyness. Return to fast motion. Admire the mess, dust off your hands, say "my work here is done", leave.
22: Don't listen to Green Day. Everything is better when you're not listening to Green Day.
23: Two words: melon pliars.
24: Fool the pikey with a cunning trick of some sort, possibly involving a rabbit or a shiny piece of metal.
25: Fucking hell, am I only on 25? I feel that I've been writing this forever. I don't know... give them the fucking phone? Who cares, it's a piece of shit Sony-Ericcson anyway. Was I even talking about a phone? I thought that I was doing iPods. Ah, I don't care, to be honest.
26: Eat a big pill. If my years of experierence serves me correctly, you should suddenly start moving 3x as fast, and the pikey will go blue and run away. Chase him down and eat him, but be wary: he'll regenerate soon.
27: Run him over. With my car. I had another driving lesson today. I'm so good at driving. Today I was taught how to turn left. But not right. Apparently, when driving, turning left and right are totally different disciplines.
28: Spark up the chainsaw.
29: Yell "LOOK, A CRIPPLED GAY ASIAN MIDGET WITH A WALLET BULGING WITH £50 NOTES AND AN ATTRACTIVE FEMALE DAUGHTER!" While the pikey is distracted, leap out of the window.
There we go, my 29 ways to avoid getting jacked. Well this has been a waste of time.
By the way, if there's anybody out there who's offended by my use of the word 'pikey', I've made this disclaimer: Pikey only refers to people who come from state schools who try and steal stuff from me. Actually, who am I kidding? It refers to anybody poorer than me. Hurrah for being middle class and reasonably well off!
Don't blame me, I voted for Phil Collins.
^Likely to get you stabbed.
*With the exception of me. Well once a guy came up to me and asked me for a pound. However, I didn't understand what he was saying. So I sort of squinted at him then backed away slowly. Not my smoothest moment, I admit.
**There are less than 100, and a great many of them will not get rid of the pikeys. In fact, it might make them want to hurt you more. Personally, this is a risk I'm willing to take.
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