Sauce and zombies

First things first: Apparently the school had my art GCSE remarked and I GOT BUSTED UP TO A*. So that is ten out of ten A*s at GCSE. So that means that its physically impossible for me to have done ANY BETTER at GCSES. Ouch, man, ouch, my own crushing intellect actually HURTING me. Ooh, golly. Look, even this cowboy agrees that I'm really great:


"Thomas is really great." That's what he said. But anyway.

Ok, on with the post. Warning: this post will contain spoilers.

• In Star Wars, Darth Vadar is actually Luke Skywalker's DAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!

On FRIDAY, I went to see LAND OF THE DEAD. Actually, I want to see George A Romero's LAND OF THE DEAD. Because it's his. It's nobody else's. Because he's worth it. I went to go see it with MY LADYFRIEND, who goes by the name of 'Steve*'. My mum was like 'Why are you taking Steve to Land of the Dead, surely she wants to go see Pride and Prejudice?' and I was like 'No way, man' but then I asked her and she was like 'Well yeah, I would prefer to see Pride and Prejudice cos I already have a pirate version of Land of the Dead on DVD' but then I was like 'well, I'm paying so screw you' because I'm the man and I have to make the rules. So that meant that I had to pay for TWO TICKETS to see Land of the Dead, which, judging by the recent hyper-inflation that's only affected cinemas, equals £15. FIFTEEN QUID. I COULD HAVE BOUGHT THREE MIDGET THAI HOOKERS AND SOME DELICIOUS THAI BEER FOR THAT. Steve, you're sucking me dry. SUCKING ME DRY. Heh. You leech.

• In Fight Club, Ed Norton and Brad Pitt are THE SAME PERSON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

But I'm getting ahead of myself. Before actually going to SEE the film, we went to Starbucks to ingest caffeine and discuss weighty matters. Because that's what people do at Starbucks. Ingest caffeine and discuss weighty matters. For those of you who don't know**, the Starbucks in Kingstonia-land has a really big fuckoff window that you can sit in front of and look through. So that's what we did. Sat in front of it and looked through at all the people going past. And it was THEN that I realised that, like, people are really funny to look at. You can just sit there and they parade past like the world's most depressing fashion show. You can say things like 'look at that guy's stoopid hat', or 'hey, check out that rebel in his school uniform at the back, he know's what's going on' or even 'hey, a fat woman'. Which we did. But the BEST THING EVER HAPPENED.

• In The Sixth Sense... HE'S DEAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This guy was walking along with a bag of take-out chicken or something, when his little tub of sauce FELL OUT OF HIS BAG. We didn't do anything, just watched as he walked away from his sauce. It was just too momentous an occasion. You know when you're walking along the street and you see a little puddle of sauce or vomit or something on the floor, and just for a splitsecond you ponder how it got there? Well it was like that, except WE KNEW. We'd been there from the very beginning. For once, we were in on the joke. And we saw it all. We saw somebody step on the tub and burst it open. We saw the tub being kicked about. We saw the twat with the converses step in the sauce and leave saucy footprints down the street. And even more epic was the fact that everyone walking down the road was FASCINATED by this sauce. They all gave it long lingering looks as they walked by. One japanese woman even stopped and took a photo of it. I mean, they're walking through a town, flanked on each side with huge buildings, next to a road filled with big metal chariots, talking into little boxes that magically transport their voices miles away and they're ALL FASCINATED BY THIS LITTLE PUDDLE OF SAUCE. This confirmed my notion that the entire British public are zombies.

Wait a second, did somebody say ZOMBIES? OMG OMG OMG... AFTER STARBUCKS, WE WENT TO SEE A ZOMBIE FILM. CHRIST, what a COINCIDENCE.

• In Lost In Translation... THE PLANE CRASHES AT THE END!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Firstly, before the film started, there was this really shit advert for H&M. I say advert, I really mean CHINESE WATER TORTURE. Basically, somebody at H&M thought "I know, we're launching a new line of jeans, let's make a five minute long Romeo and Juliet ripoff advert to some terrible soul song entirely filled with crying black people and insulting ethnic stereotypes, while simultanously raping one of Shakespeare's most widely-loved plays. Yeah, that'll be a good idea." It was so terrible, man, my brain still hurts from watching it. But perhaps I'm beeing too harsh. You know, remaking Romeo and Juliet for the modern era... actually, that's a REALLY GOOD IDEA. Well done, H&M, for your staggering originality. Except OH WAIT, that was already done by Baz Luhrman with Leonardo De Capri-Sun and Clare Danes. Whoops. And even that didn't have a really long song that had nothing to do with anything. And it wasn't just a cynical quasi-artistic rip-off of Willie S's play. I hate H&M. Cunts. By the end of the advert, everyone (and I mean EVERYONE) in the cinema was loudly heckling the screen.

"Just DIE ALREADY"
"Shut up"
"This is so shit"
"WHY WON'T SHE STOP?"

Wait, that was mostly me. Trust me, that advert was terrible. And not in a 'so bad it's good' way. Just terrible.

• In Return of the King, the King... RETURNS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ZOMBIE FILM TIME. Well basically, George A Romero's Land of the Dead is about this land that's full of dead people. All the living people live in this city surrounded by water and cool electric fences, and occasionally drive out into the outer world to kill the zombies and steal all their food. Of course, this one black zombie gets really pissed off at having his zombie friends killed, so gets an army of zombies and marches on the city. This black zombie is really smart, and learns to use primitive tools, such as guns and knives and pneumatic drills. Yes, you heard me... ZOMBIES WITH MACHINE GUNS. As soon as I realised that the zombies were to be using machine guns, I was a happy man.

• In Reservoir Dogs, it's Mr Orange!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! But they all end up dead anyway!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Except possibly Mr Pink, played by Steve Buscemi!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Meanwhile, this evil meglomaniac called Mr Gay or something lives in this skyscraper and cackles madly. He is also a bad-guy, as evidenced by the fact that he wears a suit, smokes a cigar, and has a fat black servant who does all his work for him. There are some good guys also, though. There's this blonde guy called Riley or Ripley or something who has this magic zombie-killing tank. His best friend is this retard with no name. I was a bit disappointed that the retard didn't have magic powers, as in The Stand, but apparently he's really good at shooting people with his rifle. There are some other people too:

• This prostitute woman who, thinking about it, has absolutely no impact on the rest of the plot.


• Some guy who may or may not be Tybalt from Romeo+Juliet (the good one... the H&M advert didn't even bear that much of a resemblence to the real Romeo and Juliet). He has a cool spear-gun for killing zombies. He dies at the end. Boo.


• This fat guy who seems to exist only to provide the zombies with a hearty meal, but then fails to die and provides a lot of comic relief.

• At the end of Jerry McGuire, they all get sprayed with acid!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This film was... ok. Not as good as Dawn of the Dead or Day of the Dead or High Tea of the Dead... but on the other hand, it had like 1263x more originality than any other horror film out in the cinemas today. Zombies playing the french horn? A huge zombie-killing tank? 'Have your photo taken with a zombie'?*** A nightclub with zombie-wrestling run by a bearded midget dude in a purple pimp suit? You aint finding that shit in Resident Evil. And it doesn't hurt that GAR knows exactly how to deal with the zombies. He knows the one rule of zombie films: Zombies are shit. To make a good zombie film, you have to recognise this. George A Romero recognises this, and as such, there's a lot of vintage zombie comedy- in particular a bit where a zombie gets beaten up by an umbrella.
And while there wasn't a bit as epic as the zombie head/helicopter blade bit in Dawn, there were still a couple of really good RINSED!!!!!!! AHAHA! bits:

• Zombie/bridge interface.


• Zombies attack trapped truck. Truck has the oppurtunity of going forward and escaping, but instead reverses and machine-guns all the zombies, just for the hell of it.


• Guy shoots one zombie, laughs, then gets eaten by like seven others that jump out of nowhere.


• Zombies killed, put in a box, dumped out in a wasteland.


• Soldier pulls out grenade. Zombie with carving knife lops**** off his grenade hand. Soldier falls on top of the grenade. Soldier explodes. Oh man, pwned.


• Woman is a bitch. Woman gets bitten by zombie. Her friends shoot her first. Then they take out the zombie.


• Man is trapped in car, with zombie mechanic attacking him. Zombie mechanic pours petrol into car, then wanders off. Man gets out of car and is attacked by second zombie. First zombie returns with fire. Man and second zombie get blown up.


• Man gets bitten by zombie. "I'll be ok" he thinks. His friends shoot him straight away.


• Zombie finds pneumatic drill, figures out how to get into the skyscraper, eats way through fleeing hoo-mans.


• Zombies are previously distracted by fireworks. Zombies get into city. All the humans get chased into a corner. Seconds away from death when fireworks are shot into the sky. Zombies distracted. "We're saved!" cry humans. Zombies lose interest in fireworks and eat humans.


• Lots of zombies beaten up, then wrapped in cloth, strung up, used as target practise.

Actually, thinking about it, this film was pretty sickhead. And some of the social commentary was pretty good too. Especially the mexican zombie who was attempting to mow a car-park. And the spanish zombie. And the whole '9/11' thing, with all the security details and the random-searching of people in city streets? And the lack of personal security in exchange for short-lived ideals of safety? Woah man, the zombies are a metaphor for TERRORISTS? Far out.

• In The Shining, at the end out it turns out that it's just local kids playing a prank on the family, and they all laugh it off and settle down to a nice picnic.

Overall, George A Romero's Land of the Dead gets a ChainsawZombie rating of 10 stars. Wait... ten stars? Where have I seen that before? Oh yeah, after the As on MY GCSE GRADE CARD!

*Steve, Lucia, I forget which.
**Hopefully, everyone.
***SIMON PEGG AND EDGAR WRIGHT WERE THE ZOMBIES IN THIS BIT.
****'Lop' may be one of the best words ever. Just describes the action PERFECTLY.