Ready for another?
I've decided to buy myself a Russian Mail-Order bride.
Yep.
I really have.
I've thought long and hard, and I've decided that it's the only thing for me to do. I mean, I know that I already HAVE a girlfriend, and she's lovely and all that, but if I'm going to be brutally honest, having seen off my first romantic rival and thus marking her as my property (if we were dogs, lions or germans, this would be by urinating on her legs), I've kind of lost interest. So, I've decided that the only possible thing to do is to order myself a NEW bride in secret, then just kind of get HER to dump my girlfriend. It'll be like 'Yeah, sorry babe, but I've married Helga Svletlankarskiantarska. She's adept in killing wolverines, bears and, uh, wolverbears (a new form of predator that loves sweet sweet honey, but is deadly allergic to silver) with her bare hands, so I wouldn't try and get me back, if I were you. Toodles!'. And I'd be texting her. Or even better, telling her OVER MSN so then she can't keep the message and show it to all her friends. Oh yeah, I'm the machine. The heartbreaking machine. And I'd be sure to dump her on New Year's Eve, the most romantic night of the year, which is (hilariously), just a few days before her birthday! Oh yeah, I'm harsh.
So with that in mind, I've searched out the most reputable Russian Mail-Order Bride (herefore shortened to RMOB) site on the internet, so I can hurry this up and get the future Mrs Thomas sent over here before Chrimbo.
I came up with this site.
Well, it seems pretty reputable. There's a nice graphic of some red hot glowing lava-people exchanging rings, being watched by a crowd of fellows. Wow, so that's what kind of wedding I'll get when I ship in my russian bride? Cool, man. They appear to support Anti-Spam. Which is good. Shows character. I've lost count of the RMOB sites I've seen that fully support internet spam. And would I feel comfortable buying a woman from a site like that? Why I THINK NOT. Those RMOB sites just seem to be lacking the essential integrity that I require for all my lady-purchasing needs. BUT NOT THIS SITE: they have offices in not one, not two, but FOUR former Soviet Union countries: Kazakhstan, Ukraine, Kyrgyzstan and Latvia. If Kyrgystan doesn't spell LOVE, then I really don't know what does.
But of course, I couldn't just rely on the amazing site design. If I'm going to spend my hard earned dosh, I have to be SURE that I'm gonna get quantity. So I then checked out the 'clients opinions' to make sure that their previous movers-and-shakers were satisfied with the service. Here's some of the more touching stories:
Brian and... Tina
Wow. It's not often you see a man with arms that are longer than his legs. Look, they're so in love. He's bought her a giant blue flower and everything. If you look carefully, you'll notice that 'Tina' is actually wearing typical Russian marriage-clogs. The Russians only wear THOSE then they're really in love. I can see that this would have been be a long and happy relationship. If only that black car behind them hadn't accelerated out of the garage and crushed them both like small squishable bugs.
Gary and Marina
You can tell that he's saying 'tee-hee'. He just looks like the kind of guy who says 'tee-hee' a lot. Or perhaps he's more of a 'tee-hee-hee' man. Actually, hes probably saying 'Golly, I might get to kiss a GIRL tonight'. She already has the glazed, vacant expression of the dead. I bet that she's actually a robot. That would explain A LOT.
Guy and some chick in a purple dress
How ol' Gazza wasn't married off before, I'll never know. Just look at his nice moustache and the rakish angle of his chin. In fact, when I saw this picture, I was CONVINCED that there'd been some sort of miscategorisation and that purple woman'd actually ordered Gary from sort of Russian Mail-Order HUSBAND site. Or, as I'd call it 'MALE-order Husbands'! A HA! I'm onto a winner here.
Well, after reading many of the opinions, I was fully convinced. So now the next thing was to fill in the online application form. I had to choose all the details of my perfect ruskie bride. This was a section full of difficult decisions.
AGE
Ranges from 18-62. Hmm. Well I'll be wanting a woman with some experiance, not just some stupid 18 year old bimbo who'll run away with the first whale-hunting arab she sees. Perhaps I should go for exclusivity? I wasn't sure about this one, so I just went for '43-62'. A nice round number. And I bet the older brides are cheaper. Like at the supermarket when there's money off any bits of chicken that have visible fungi growing off of them. The shop just has to get rid of the old specimins before they're forced to destroy them in the industrial furnace. By the way, that last sentence wasn't a simile; I'm pretty sure that that is actually what they do with Mail-Order Brides.
Height
From 4ft3 to 7ft6. Well, I don't want a bride that's taller than me. But I don't want one that's miles shorter than me, either. Then we'll look like some comic, comic duo. Like, we'll be dancing along the street and people will yell "OI LAUREL AND HARDY!" Except that I'm not fat and she won't have a moustache (hopefully). And she won't speak English, so I'll have to translate the heckle and explain the cultural reference. And I wouldn't want to hurt her feelings like that. I'd better choose a bride who's the same height as me. But what if she wears heels? Then she'll be taller than me, and I'll be forced to cheesewire off her feet while she's asleep. And I'm sure that that'll be detrimental to the relationship. Better to be on the safe side, and go with four 4ft. She can always wear stilts and she gets to keep her feet. Win win situation.
Weight
80lbs-300lbs. Damn non-metric weight systems. How the hell am I supposed to know how much that is? Ah screw it, I'll just guess. I figure that 260lbs is about 60kg. A touch light for my tastes, but I guess that I'll be able to feed her up a bit.
Hair colour
Well, ideally I'd like a bald bride. Then I could draw penii and write 'Kick me' on the back of her head, and she wouldn't be able to do SHIT, because if she complained I'd just throw her into a canal. Or I could make her wear a variety of exotic French aristocracy wigs in the shape of fruit or wine bottles or two short people having a duel. But for some reason, 'bald' wasn't an option in the form. So I chose Brown-Silver, because then she'll be sort of like a robot tree. And robot trees are cool.
Education
Here are the options: College, Conservatory, I am sudent [sic], Secondary, Technical, University, Student. Well, THIS was a well translated web-page. I considered just going with a russian college babe. But following a long and deep thought process, I decided that I couldn't turn down the chance of a girl whose entire education had taken place in a glass-roofed side-room jutting out into the garden. So conservatory it was.
Martial Status
It'll have to be a widow. At least then I know that she works properly, and that there won't be a crazed russian ex-husband butcher chasing me down with a skidoo and a sharp pig-knife at any point in the future.
Location of girls
Wow. There are just so many choices. I'm just torn between Karaganda in Kasakhstan, or the beautifully named Lugansk, in Ukraine. So I just selected all of them.
It was with barelly controlled excitement that I clicked the button reading 'To find my lady'. Here's what came up:
Regrettably, data in base do not come to light.
What the fuck does that mean? You mean that there wasn't a single 44 year old grey haired midget in the entire bunch? What kind of people trading ring IS this? You lousy Russians. I mean, you could've at least tried to translate the message properly. Sods. So therefore, I was forced to search MANUALLY through all 10 pages of brides to find my ideal match.
It was a long and arduous trek, but finally I found true love, in the shape of 49 year old Tatyna from Kazakhstan:
Seriously, beauty, thou havest a name, and that name is TATYNA. If I had the expertise, I would photoshop a border of flowers and angels around that picture. But I can't. I want to have you shipped over here as quickly as possible. In fact, I'll pay extra for rush shipping, and I'll also pay for you to have an extra roomy travelling box, complete with air holes and a little bowl of food for you to snack on on the boat. But at the moment, I'm a little strapped for cash, having been sucked dry by my previous girlfriend, Lu "Gold-Digger" cia. So I decided, what would be the most awesome/affordable testimony to my love for my new russian bride? OF COURSE. I'LL SEND YOU A LETTER. There's a little button under her picture that says 'Write a letter to this lady now, one credit'. I wonder what a credit is? To the FAQ!
A credit is a method of payment provided for purchasing letters, gifts, and telephone calls. The more credits you purchase at one time, the cheaper the price.
SIX CREDITS FOR $36? Screw that, I could buy an entire Madonna album for that. Oh, Tatyana, I love you, but it seems that we can no longer be together, due to the cruel vaguaries of fate. I hope that you can find someone out there who will possibly love you as much as I will were I were to ever get the chance, because I never will. Someone like Erich here:
He's currently engaged to be married to a random russian chick, but come on, ladies, I'm sure if YOU write to him for a few weeks, he'll propose marriage to YOU, too.
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