1: Going onto my blog, scrolling down, and reading the words: 0 comments.
2: When I've been writing a blog for like five minutes, then I accidentally hit the tab button and go onto fark.com, and then when I go back it won't refresh what I've written, so I try to reproduce it but it's just not as good.
3: Looking at my iPod. It's just... so... scratched. This depresses me an enourmous amount, but I'll be fucked if I'm paying Apple thirty quid for a travel case.
4: When I come to the double doors that lead into our common room and I push them to open and I ALWAYS PUSH THE LOCKED ONE. Like, every time, without fail. I swear to god they swap them around, just to annoy me.
5: Getting sassed by the younger children at my school. I'm sure that I was never that fucking cheeky when I was a third year. But now, I'm walking down the road, holding my amazing piece of artwork, and this four foot tall, gel-haired, squeaky voiced little shit just randomly comes up to me and insults it. I mean, what do you do? Accept the insults with gentle good grace? Start crying? Slap the little sod silly? Because I'm pretty sure that I could take him. I mean, I do weights and everything, and his testicles haven't even descended. But then I don't slap him silly because then I'd end up getting in shit for beating up an eleven year old. And even deeper, lodged in my subconscious, is the worry that he might end up beating me in a straight fight.
6: When I'm watching a film on tv, and quite enjoying it, so I decide to look it up on imdb.com. I look at the computer for literally two minutes, then when I return to the film, all the characters have changed, they're all sitting in an air raid bunker somewhere discussing politics, and I have no idea what the hell's going on.
7: Ben Affleck's face:
Ewwwwww.
8: The realisation that, despite all the rowing training I do, my arms are still kind of small and wimpish.
9: The fact that, as soon as I get a girlfriend, the entire rest of my school year does too, which kind of ruins the entire exclusive point.
10: Accidentally tripping over the carpet when I'm walking along the corridor.
11: Mowing the lawn and driving over a dog turd.
12: Being punched in the eye by my dog.
13: Trying to imagine what kind of mood the songwriter of Placebo was in when he wrote, well, most of their songs.
14: Anybody other than me swearing violently. I'm the only one allowed to do it.
13: Realising that I will NEVER be as rock and roll rebellious as Linkin Park. Those guys rock so hard, there's no point in me even trying.
15: The other day, I was watching a documentary on Channel 4 about the pyramids or something, and at the end, they used IT'S incorrectly. I wasn't dreaming it, it actually happened. This was NATIONAL TELEVISION. And I've also seen this mistake on packets of fruit-stix, gift catalogues and even cereal boxes. Does nobody hold strongly to the sacred laws of grammar any more? I mean, I think that I already blogged about this aaaaages ago, but just for a quick lesson, here's the ONE RULE YOU NEED TO REMEMBER:
THAT'S IT. NOTE BENE.
16: Huge traffic jams. And then my mum gets pissed off when I start randomly swearing at the traffic in front of me. Is there no decency left in the world?
17: The fact that I'm sitting here flexing my back, and each time I flex my back, my shoulderblade kind of pops out of place, and it really hurts each time I do it, and I CAN'T STOP DOING IT.
18: The plot of The Godfather part 2, and the way that everybody says it's really good, but I DON'T UNDERSTAND IT. I watched it like four times and I still have no idea who that old guy with the cake was.
19: When my driving instructor gasps and grabs the steering wheel out of my grasp to save us from collision with something obvious.
20: My bed. I don't know what's wrong with it, but it creaks like a bastard. And theres a huge dip in the middle. And when I try and sleep on the sides to correct the dip, I just roll into the dip. Damn you, gravity.
21: Waking up in the middle of the night and kind of needing the toilet, but not being sure whether I need it enough to get up, so getting up and going downstairs anyway because I'm awake and I won't be able to get back to sleep until this issue is resolved, and then discovering that no, there was no urine in my bladder after all.
22: Being outwitted by stupid people.
23: Green Day. They suck.
24: Coming 17th in things.
25: Settling down to doing a good lot of homework, then coming to and realising that it's 10:30, I'm sitting in front of the computer and I have achieved absolutely nothing. Then turning off the computer and trying to go to bed.
26: Imagining how much Tyler Durden would hate me if I ever met him.
27: Remembering that Tyler Durden is a fictional character. And he didn't even really exist in the film. And then he died anyway. And I don't quite understand why he died, which kind of ruins the entire point of Fight Club.
28: When my computer randomly dies for no reason.
29: Having absolutely nothing to say.
30: Which is kind of the situation that I have reached with this post. Maybe I should end this list here. Thirty. That's a good number to end on. It's soul affirming.
30.5: Hip-hop music and the obscene amount of money that those cunts make every day.
30.9: Getting a stitch half a mile into a four mile run.
31: Watching Diagnosis Murder, then proclaiming loudly that I know who the murderer is, I know, I know, I'm so smart, then it turns out the murderer is a random woman who appears in the very last scene. Then they all have a party.
32: That episode of CSI:NY when it turns out that the guy was actually killed by a piece of ice that fell off a plane and hit him on the head, thus rendering the rest of the episode pointless.
33: We have a late submission: When I click 'publish post' and then it informs me that I have an HTML error SOMEWHERE in the post. And the post contains like, fifty bits of HTML. Thanks a lot, you twat.
Well, that was depressing. I'm now going to have to listen to the Divine Comedy's Come Home Billy Bird four times on repeat until the final verse has returned my soul to health.
JUST KIDDING, I'M ACTUALLY A VERY HAPPY PERSON.
Fun Fact: The Village of Berwick upon Trent was technically at war with Russia for 113 years, until a peace treaty was formally signed in 1966. At the signing, the mayor of Berwick was heard to remark "Well, tell the Russian people that they can sleep well in their beds". FUNNY.
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