And at that point, my entire life ended.
I'm not joking, George Best was my personal hero. Ever since I first saw him rescuing baby kittens from a blazing house-fire on TV, he's been my idol. I dreamt of being like him. Of looking like him. Of thinking like him, dancing like him, carving like him, dressing like him, playing like him, singing like him, cooking like him, smoking like him, fighting like him, of bar-tending like him and tap-dancing like him, grating cheese like him and ageing like him, of living like him and dying like him. His entire life has been an inspiration for me, and I've followed nearly every second of his monumental existance on this planet. Few of us know when we're going to be wiped off this moral coil, but Mr Best (or "Georgie B' as he was known by his many thousands of fans) managed to live every SECOND of his life to its very fullest. If there was something that George Best failed to achieve in his long and worthwhile life, then I've been hard pressed to find out about it.
I reckon that I was George Best's biggest fan ever. I mean, if someone was to go up to me and ask me "Who is your favourite footballer?" do you know what I'd say? George Best. If somebody went up to me and said "If you were to have a son one day, what would you name him?" do you know what I'd say? George Best Jr. If someone asked me "What's your favourite Broadway Show?" I'd say "Why, Phantom of the Opera, of course, but only the special football edition with the character of Christine being replaced by George Best.
See? THAT is how big a fan of George Best I am, and that is why I've compiled as many of the news headlines about him as I could. Here are just a few of them. They tell the whole epic story:
George Best ill: kidney infection.
George Best still ill.
OMG Gerge BEST ILLS?
George Best 'near death'.
George Best still near death.
George Best stable, near death say doctors.
George Best? Kidney infection? Yes.
Internal bleeding for Best.
Taxi for Best...s undertaker. Soon.
George Best still ill.
George Best continues to be ill.
George Best continues to be ill, with added attraction of internal bleeding.
It's snowing outside! Meanwhile, George Best is dying.
George Best George Best George Best George Best... dead dead dead
George Best... dead? NO. NOT YET.
George Best will probably not make it through the night, say doctors
George Best makes it through the night.
George Best will probably not make it through the day, say doctors
George Best just refuses to fucking die already
George Best DIES
DEAD
George Best dead!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
George Best dies: "Please do not panic" warns Chief Of Police
Tributes for George Best flooding in
Best dies: "That's one dead footballer" -- Doctor
13 George Best fans die in suicide pact
George Best dead: Martial Law called to quell rioting
Tony Blaire leaves Middle East peace conference, dedicates the final week and a half of his leadership to Best
George Best passes away: Newreaders everywhere look confused
Death of possibly the greatest man ever to live: full analysis
Nation mourns a legend
That's just a proportion of the news coverage of this tragedy. Now, there are SOME PEOPLE who think that this level of news reporting for the death of some old footballer is rediculous. They think that we shouldn't be subjected to endless news-flashes in which we're forced to listen to fuckwitted news reporters spouting pointless repetitive babble about some stupid alcoholic ex-footballer who's taking far too long to die and really has had no point for the last twenty years. But these people are WRONG. Dead wrong. Couldn't be wronger. They're about as wrong as Nat was when he thought that my girlfriend would ever consider saying 'yes sure I'll run away with you'. But that's all in the past.
I mean, if I had one criticism of the news reportage of George Best's death, it would be that there simply wasn't enough of it. I'll give you an example. It's yesterday. It's the middle of the night. I'm having a nice dream about cucumbers, when suddenly, I WAKE UP. I sit bolt upright in my king sized bed, with thoughts of George flashing through my fevered brain. How is he? Has he taken a turn for the worst? Is he still stable? Or has he died, shattering the world? Has humanity just experienced the worst disaster since the moon landing crew missed the moon and crashed into the Sun?
I just don't know. I turn on the wireless but -CURSES- they're playing a song. And I can't wait seven minutes for the next newsflash, I have to know NOW. But I can't. Because they aren't reporting anything. So while waiting for news to occur, I both wet AND soil myself. Thanks a lot, NEWS MEDIA.
Personally, I wouldn't be adverse to a 24 hours a day Best-A-Thon. Just solid coverage of the Best story as it unfurls. That would have solved all my problems. In fact, fuck it, they should give George Best his own TV channel. I can't think of a more deserving man. It could be called George TV (and the tagline would be "The BEST channel!") and basically it would be 24 solid hours of Ol' Besty. There'd be repeats of his football matches, that old documentary that he used to do, more repeats of his matches, and "Georges Top Tips', a TV show with a looky-likey of George giving retarded children tips on climbing down the stairs, getting dressed, and turning on the television without punching themselves unconscious. There would also be a game show called "You're Kidney-ing me!" (Hosted by that guy who used to present Get your own back! and the G-B lookalike) in which contestants compete to get donor kidneys. They'd have to complete a series of gladiator-style obstacle courses, each more deadly/humiliating than the last. Every time a contestant lost, they'd be denied the kidney, and best of all, they'd be GUNGED! It'd be full of wacky craziness!
But most of all, George TV would have footage of the outside of the hospital where George stayed, and would have regular updates from his son and his doctor. I'd watch it. In fact, I'd buy two tvs and watch it on both AT THE SAME TIME, if just to raise the viewing figures and to give myself double the Best-fix.
But thats not to say that regular TV isn't doing it's bit to maintain the image of the George Best we all knew and loved. Pretty much every channel has had a documentary on the life and times of this great great man. I don't think this is enough. Where are the throngs of mourners outside the hospital? The candlelit vigils? The religious cults trying to ressurect him? A bunch of crappy football shirts and memorials won't do SHIT to preserve the memory of this holy centurion of nature. In fact, I won't even begin to be satisfied until they've held a huge funeral march through the streets of London, complete with floats in the shape of whiskey bottles and footballs, huge funeral balloons looking like the great man's head, and best of all, a massive moving funeral pyre pulled by pygmies dressed up as dobermans. This would of course be watched by literally MILLIONS of onlookers, all dressed in pink-mauve and indigo-green (George's favourite colours), and would attract billions of viewers on televamision and the intermanet.
There should also be a feature long film made about his life. It'd be called simply George the BEST. It'd detail this great man's childhood: fighting court cases for minority groups in the segragated society of Manchester, before progressing to his ascention to a figurehead of liberty, fighting against demonical British Government. Then it would detail the twenty seven years he spent in a prison, oppressed by the harshness of the government, while his wife Winnie Mandela-Best had an affair with a local blacksmith and his children died in car accidents. It would then detail his final years, his endless work for the community and the way in which George Best truly made the world a better place and thus deserves all the praise and adulation he gets.
The wife would be played, of course, by Jennifer Lopez, as I don't think that she's in enough movies. As for George... well, I don't think that ANYBODY would be able to properly play the role of George Best, to live up to the heroism of this AMAZING man, so instead I reckon that they should just fully computer-animate his body and have him voiced by James Earl Jones. Now, if you don't think that's possible, I've created a computer mock-up of what George Best looks like right now. As you can see, the results are PRETTY impressive:
Well, OK, perhaps I'm being a little sarky with that picture. That isn't what GB looks like now. In this picture, his skin appears to be sort of normal colour, whereas in real life/death it's probably more of a 'bannana' or 'week old bruise' colour. Also his arms and legs appear to be moving in that picture, whereas in real life, they most certainly aren't. Because he's dead.
I just can't type any more. I'm just too wrought with emoticons. I fear that soon I shall cry, and my tears of grief will drip onto this paint-by-numbers George Best picture I have in front of me, and the yellow watercolour shall drip onto my suede shoes. And I just don't think that I'd be able to stand that sort of pain. So, for all of you, farewell. My life with George Best is over. Forever. I'll just have to accept that and get on with things. Sniff.
Oh, and in other news, Pat Morita, best known for his role as the Karate Man in Karate Kid: Part 2 AND Karate Kid 3: Part 3, has also died:
So all in all, this has been a sad day for fans of alcoholic ex-footballers and old wise karate masters everywhere.
If you don't like irony, don't know who George Best was, or are female, this post was probably not an enjoyable experience for you.
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