Well, I clicked on the story, and as it turned out, it was the Smurfs after all, or as they're more commonly known nowadays, "Crazy Fundamentalist Islamic Extremists".
Apparently they were all offended by some mean cartoons of Mohammed published in a newspaper, and decided that the best course of action was to go and burn down the nearest embassy, which in this case, happened to be the Denmark's, before progressing to the Norweigan one. Who knows where they might go next? Lithuania? Moldova? Belarus? Finland? Oh God, not FINLAND. ANYTHING BUT FINLAND. Hey, and you never know where this could lead. Perhaps in a couple of years of solid burning, these guys might reach the embassy of a country that somebody gives a shit about.
Here's one of the pictures that the little blue fellas are complaining about:
I don't see what the problem is. It's not like it's a particulary insulting picture. They just drew Mohammed with a birthday cake on his head. I mean, I know that it's some kind of taboo to print pictures of Mohammed, but if I remember my Koran correctly, it says that it's bad to print pictures of ANY prophet, not just Moohammerhead. So where's the anger with all the pictures of Jebus floating around? OMG I just went onto a website that showed Jebus smoking a cigar and shooting midgets with an AK47. Right. That's it. I've had enough of this idolatory, I'm off to burn down the Latvian embassy. Don't try and stop me.
Thing is, I enjoy the burning down the embassies of shitty European countries as much as the next red-blooded male, but this sort of behaviour really annoys me. It just seems to be a mass reaction of people unable to take a joke. And that's like my number one peeve in life: people unable to take jokes properly. Like that fat girl at Lucia's party. I accidentally joked that she was fat, not meaning it, then she screamed me out of the house. She was unable to take the comment at whimisical face value, and so therefore she will forever be immortalised as 'that fat girl at Lucia's party'. It's my life's work to spread the message of 'that fat girl'. She doesn't even have a name. Like a sumo wrestler. Or a kraken. Or that whale in the Thames.
Where was I? Oh yeah... IT WAS A FUCKING CARTOON IN A NEWSPAPER YOU DICKHEADS. It wasn't even that decent a picture (he doesn't even have a mouth... some prophet), but you guys HAD to make a fuss and throw your toys out of the pram, and now everybody on the surface of the globe has seen it. And anyway, you fellows monumentally missed the point of said cartoon in the first place.
And thus the lesson begins. What was said point of said cartoon in said newspaper? To make fun of the way that a bunch of stupid cunts have taken the idea of the Religion of Peace and have turned it into a fecken N64 Goldeneye Deathmatch (10 minutes, Archives, Grenade Launchers, four players, rumble pacs). And what is the reaction to this? Do you quietly sulk? Do you write irritated letters beginning "Dear Sir" to the paper in question? Do you HELL. You go burn down random buildings. Well done, lads. No, seriously, way to make your religion not look violent. No, honestly, I'm in awe. Woaaaah, duuuude. Imagine a face of a really impressed beaver, right, then times the impressedness by a million, then pretend that he's looking at something monumentally, colossally intelligent and impressive, then times it by infinite-billion again. THAT'S how impressed I am by this MAG-FUCKING-NIFICENT bit of logical thinking. No, well done. Clap clap. I'm. Speechless. So. I'm. Using. Full. Stops. Between. Words. And. Even. Hal. F. Way. Th. R. Ough. Individua. L. Words.
And how do the authorities react to this whinging? They fire everybody who put the picture in the paper and make like fifteen apologies to the whingers. Pah. If I was in charge of the world, that cartoon would be printed up on posters and stuck all over the place, with the words "THIS IS WHY YOU CAN'T HAVE NICE THINGS, YOU FUCKTARDS" written on them. In arabic, which is like a backwards version of real writing. This posters would be everywhere, I'd tattoo it into the side of elephants, have planes pulling banners of it across the sky, I'd tell all the barbers to shave it into the beards of the men and have haberdashers stitch it into the dishcloths that all the ladies wear on their heads. Fucking teach them to not have a sense of humour about these things. Then maybe next time they'll think twice before messin' wit my freedom of speech.
Man, I can't wait til I own my own newspaper. We won't take shit from nobody. That's what it'll be called: The Sunday-We-Don't-Take-Shit-From-Nobody-Express-Mail.
Because that's what it all boils down to, these twats think can mess with my right to say or write or draw whatever the fuck pops into my head and then have people look at it. If they had their way, we wouldn't have some of the great literature and the great music of the world. Just imagine it; a planet without the final novel of Stephen King's Dark Tower series when we find out that all seven books were totally pointless, or without the soothing chords of Linkin Park's Magnum Opus "Meteora", or without the soul-searing cinematic poetry of the Wayan brothers. But you think that's bad? Just try to imagine a world without Liberty X or Big Momma's House 2. Just try it. A hell, that's what it would be. A total living hell. I'd rather die. And that's what the terrorists want. They want to take away everything that makes life worth living. THEY WANT TO TAKE AWAY OUR KANYE WEST, OUR JIM CARREY, OUR WESTLIFE! Bastards.
Well I won't stand for it. I DEMAND ARTISTIC FREEDOM. Just to spite the entire Islamic religion, I'm not going to stop making millions of wire men then leaving them around school. Never! It is now a political movement. I shall do whatever I want and claim it's art! And I'm certainly not gonna let them take away my ability to pose my Batman action figures in suggestive homosexual poses and them take photos to share with the world.
Ha HA. And you know what Blue Batman is thinking? "Wow, Ninja Bruce Wayne is so hot. It's a pity that Mohammed isn't here to share in our gay threesome. Because Mohammed is homosexual. He's a big poof with a silly beard. And you know why they won't let us take photos of him? Because he wears eyeliner. And makeup. And concealing blusher. That's right. He's a big makeup wearing poof. And a cross-dresser. But what a tight ass."
That was BATMAN talking, so if you're offended, take up your quarrel with him. Keep me outta it.
Obligitory "why can't we all get along?" bit
Of course, I know that most Islamics aren't crazy fundamentalists. Many of them are just normal people, like you or me. Well, not like me. I'm the fucking Two-Man in the winning Hampton Head Boat. We beat the nearest competition by almost 8 seconds. I'm like a rowing God amongst men. It should be idolatrous to make a picture of ME, never mind Mooooohammey... Plus, my nose is normal sized, and I wouldn't look good with a beard and a silly hat. But that changes nothing - those foreigners are probably just normal people just like you lot. They didn't want to go burn down the Lithuanian embassy. They didn't even want to make a tiny scale model of the Lithuanian embassy and throw hot pieces of blu-tak at it. They probably see the essential dickheadnessitude of burning down buildings to protect the non-violent reputation of your religion. No, this post is aimed at the crazed fundamentalist morons. I know that there are a couple who read this blog between bombing raids (What up, Abd Al-Baqi Al-Karim! Keep commenting! You too, Anon!)
And finally, I'd just like to point out the victim in all of this. Not the Danish - who gives a shit about them? - But Mohammed himself, who's been forced to watch it all from his underground love shack, with Jesus and that blue Hindu guy with the arms. Because who knows what he has to say about this entire sorry affair? He doesn't have a mouthpiece in the world. They don't even show his picture. They get all angry and offended and jihaddy if you even make a picture of him. So I made a picture of him:
Well, I don't think that any of us expected him to say that.
OMG I JUST MADE A PICTURE OF MOHAMMED! I'M GOING TO HELLS!!!!1!!1 CLAM!!1!. Well, to all you islamic fundamentalist jackoffs out there, if you feel like blowing something else up, do your worst. You know where to find me. I'll be waiting with my C4 and my big pile of pork, and I will be sorely disappointed if this blog isn't a smouldering heap of debris by Wednesday. SORELY DISAPPOINTED. Yes, I herebye declare a jihad on myself. Confused? You should be.
How the hell do you spell idolatrous?
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