OH MY GOD. MR GAY HAS BEEN INJURED, POSSIBLY KILLED. HE'S LYING IN A POOL OF HIS OWN RAPIDLY CONGEALING BLOOD AND BRAIN MATTER. WHO COULD HAVE DONE SUCH A THING? WILL MR GAY SURVIVE? YOU'LL HAVE TO READ THE REST OF THIS POST VERY CAREFULLY TO FIND OUT!!1!!1!!!!!!
And now I can begin.
Wow. Check it out, I am STILL Number One on the Top Blogs Site Page. Go on. Click on the link and have a look. Of course, you'll need to press the button saying "Click here to Vote" to get in, but you don't mind that, do you? I mean, if you're still reading this after the picture of the action figure lying in a pool of his own blood then you must already be a helpless fly, trapped in the eternal web of sin and humour that is Chainsawzombie.blogspot.com. There is no escaping, so you might as well click the link. On the other hand, you might be a curious fellow top-fiver, curious as to why I've linked your blog on this post. I advise you not to read any more and pretend that I wrote something complimentary.
(I didn't).
So, I was pretty surprised at being number one. I mean, out of all the blogs on the internet, they chose ME to be the crappy number one on a crappy page that nobody gives a shit about. I mean, THIRTY THREE PEOPLE VOTED FOR ME. That's nearly a 5.07692308 × 10^(-9)th of THE ENTIRE POPULATION OF THE GLOBE. OMG I'm so popular, I'm too cool to hang around with you losers. I'm gonna go put on COOL SHADES and a LEATHER JACKET and walk about going "heyy" a lot to people. I'll date the high school cheerleader and sit on the bleachers chewing a toothpick and laughing at all the uncool kids, with their glasses and their big shoes and their buckles and braces, except for one nerd called 'nerdling' who will make me inventions to get back at our lousy dean who confiscated my iPod for listening to it in the corridor and for shattrin my buzz. Because I'm cool.
But then I had a read of the other Top 5 blogs in the "Top Blogs" list, and I realised that my competitors were all awful. Really. They were all total bleeding corn-filled shite. And that kind of popped my victory balloon with a pin of mediocrity. It's like coming first in the 100 metres at the Olympics and then turning round to congratulate your opponents, and seeing that none of them have legs and you entered the Paralympics 100 metres for people with no legs or a sense of direction, and all you'd succeeded in doing was humiliating a bunch of cripples. Don't you just hate it when that happens? I do. And therefore, as a punishment for the other blogs for being so shit and for taking the shine off my victory, I'm going to discuss each one in turn and make a bunch of undeserved, unwarranted, mean-spirited comments about them. That'll teach em for not being decent enough competition.
So, in reverse order, here are four blogs that weren't as good as mine:
4: The Trailer of Love
The tagline for this blog was "Feel The Love, 24/7", so it immediately loses some points for using the phrase "24/7", and by unfairly giving the impression that any reader is in for a rocking and rolling time in the blog 'o' fun. More points are lost when I see that he's arbitrarily shortened the title of said blog to "TOL". What, was "Trailer of Love" not snappy enough?
It then loses a million points for having possibly the shittest default blogspot.com template, and then by having some fat guy with a beard holding a coffee cups as the Blogger display picture. Scientists have done tests involving hamsters and have proved categorically that fat guys holding coffee cups do not have blogs that are rocking and rolling blogs 'o' fun. They have blogs discussing donuts, donut frostings, donut shapes, donut shops, donut fillings, how they like dunking said donuts into said coffee cups, food in general, how they're going on a diet but it's not really working because of some sort of fast-food conspiracy, or in this case, a bunch of retarded pictures. For example, his most recent post is humourously entitled "Wednesday WOAH!" In case you were wondering, this appears to be a regular feature... he just finds a random picture, sticks it on the blog, then adds two lines of commentary underneath it. Every Wednesday. Said commentary usually involves the word LOL randomly added at some point, for example:
I think it would be pretty cool with the make-up on, LOL.
What? What? What the fuck? Why are you laughing at that? You just typed a sentence that had no comic content whatsoever. What the fuck are you saying LOL for? Are you just laughing out loud for no reason? Are you chuckling wryly at the eternal comedy that is life? Is there some subtle irony involved to that sentence that I JUST DON'T SEE? Or are you just a moron?
Finally, this blog is covered in stupid HTML boxes, adverts for cafepress, the weather report in some backwater country I don't care about, more adverts for stuff, a "write to Congress" box, and about 1000 links to other blogs. Usually I find those pointless boxes at the side of blogs an annoying distraction, but in this case I was happy to have an immediate link to click on to navigate myself away from this abortion of a website.
By the way, Mr "TOL Commander", as you rakishly call yourself, you know that little html box you added that says who the visitors on your site are and what country they come from? I'm the one from England and I think your blog is shite.
3: Flatlining for 20 Years
Tagline for this is: "Sometimes personal, often subnormal".
Dictionary.com defines 'subnormal' as 'less than normal; below the average'. Which is pretty fitting, really.
The word 'girl' in the link to this blog gave me a bad feeling as soon as I saw it. I was pretty sure I was going to get a longgggggg complainy female blog full of complaints about how men are pigs and how hard it is to get along today and how kittens and horsies and flowers are nice and all the other crap that females talk about. The words "flatlining for 20 years" also implies that said female is not a girl, therefore invalidating the "Girl" part of the URL. This therefore leads me to believe that this will be the depressing whingey blog of a female who is desperate to cling onto her youth by taking lots of seductive EMOish pictures of herself and going on about random crap.
And amazingly, I WAS CORRECT.
What was the first post about? Her cat peeing on her boyfriend.
The second was a random video that I refused to play on the principle that I'm not going to waste valuable insulting time on some video on the blog of some random woman.
The third post was about the boyfriend again. He wanted to see a different film to her or something, I don't care, I didn't read it.
Fourth was about how she wants to speak Japanese blah blah blah blah blah.
This blog, too, was full of random links to sites that nobody gives a shit about. Her Amazon wishlist led to an exciting page full of random femaley books that nobody is ever going to buy her. The first book is called PERIOD. The fourth is called WOMEN. When I got to Change your Underwear Twice a day: The Golden Age of Classroom Filmstrips, I gave up and stabbed myself through the temple with a fork.
I always wondered what kind of retarded nitwits bought such literature. Now I know.
2: Fifth Circle of Cubic Hell
I often tend to judge blogs by the people who comment on them. Often, the intelligence of the commenters reflects the general interllect of the blogger. I mean, the commenters on this blog are usually quite smart (SOMETIMES EVEN THE WORDS ARE SPELT CORRECTLY!), in an 'insulting me' way. Therefore, I must be smart and like to make fun of myself. OH MY GOD I'M RIGHT. WOAH!!! I should write a Thesis on that. Unfortunately, I have a life, so I can't. Perhaps TOL COMMANDER would do it for me. He sounds like the kind 'o guy with lots of time on his pudgy, donut covered hands.
Anyway, if my theory is true, then the blogger of Fifth Circle of who gives a shit lives behind a thick sheet of perspex in a mockup jungle somewhere, being fed pre-sliced mango by hand by zookeepers as he drools into his fur.
All this blog is is a series of those shitty email forwarded pictures, jokes, and cartoons with a general relation to the workplace (below an admittedly awe-inspiring animated title... woah). All the creative input the bloggers on this site have is the title of each post, which is usually along the lines of 'LOL THIS IS TEH FUNNAY!"
That's it. If there was any justice, this blog would have crashed and burned like the waste of space it is. AND YET, EVERY SINGLE POST IS FOLLOWED BY THE SAME FIVE PEOPLE COMMENTING HOW FUNNY IT IS. And not a 'Hmm, I like the verbal wordplay in that joke" kind of comment. No. It's always LOL!!!!11!1 or ROTLF!!!!!! or LMAO!!!!!!. And they always always ALWAYS contain non-ironic exclamation marks. I didn't even know that people used non-ironic question marks any more. It's like the commenters never seen that picture of the computer flying out the window before. Christ.
Honestly, its like somebody just taught the fuckwits who comment on that blog how to type, but only those three phrases, and so they just bash em out time and time again until the buttons on the keyboard splinter and their fingers are worn down to bleeding blackened stumps of bone and flesh and they're forced to type using their tongues.
I once got so sick of this that I added a comment saying that the blog was like "A hyena convention". The response? "LOL, ZOMBIE!!".
IT WASN'T A COMPLIMENT, YOU BINT. I HOPE YOU FALL INTO A RADIOACTIVE POND AND DIE OF CANCER OF THE FACE.
1: Strip Search City
I was physically unable to read much of this site, but from what I gather, its another of those waste of space sites about females complaining about how shit their lives are. Well move to Africa and marry a giraffe if you're so miserable, woman. It's also one of those sites with a quote from an obscure movie that nobody's heard of at the top, in some kind of attempt to make the blogger in question look unique and smart. Well, it doesn't work. I could type out the President's inspiring speech from the end of Independent Day at the top of my blog, but do I? NO.
There's not much else to say about this blog really, except that it's a waste of valuable internet space that could better be taken up with aardvark porn or archives of pictures of Tony Blair's body badly photoshopped onto that of a lady in a bikini. Waste. Of. Space. Well, except for one post that made me chuckle:
"To all my blog friends, I ask one thing. Please keep me & my family in your thoughts over the next few days. My grandparents are going in for emergency surgeries today and tomorrow. The outlook is not so good, and they just need all the good thoughts and wishes their way."
Is it wrong that I laughed at that? What the hell is a 'blog friend'? And why are both of her grandparents going for surgery over the same weekend? Did they get a 'two for one' offer or something? A coupon? Collected enough box tops? Or did they both fall off a barge, and both impale themselves on the same pole? I'd like to know the true story behind that. And if your grandparents actually died, well, I'm sorry, but you shouldn't have posted that up on the internet for all and sundry to make fun of.
* * *
Now can you see why I'm so pissed off? I mean, Christ, it was hardly win of the century, was it? At this juncture, I'd like to repeat my analogy of winning a race against cripples, but I just want to make one alteration: All the cripples have Downes syndrome too. And that disease when they're scared of wide open spaces. Yeah.
If I've insulted your blog on this site and would like to insult me back, here are a few choice cusses to use on me:
- I don't have a girlfriend.
- I'm only 17 so I haven't had all the crushing life experience that's turned you into the interesting and fascinating people you are today.
- I'm a big poo-poo face.
- I don't have a girlfriend.
- This is probably because I spend all my time writing posts insulting your blogs.
- I'm basically emotionally immature, which is why I don't think that everything you say is fascinating.
- I smell.
- Every time I look in a mirror I have to break it because I'm just too damn handsome.
Go on, knock yourselves out.
(Do you know what will be really embarassing? If, during the time between me last looking at the top blogs list and me typing this, one of the other shit blogs has overtaken me. God, how droll. Well, my points still stand: all the competition is shite).
Comedy Mohammed No. 5:
And, uh, if you were wondering about what happened to Mr Gay, well... tune in next post to find out! Actually, if you re-read this post VERY carefully, you'll notice that I've scattered some subtle clues into the text which might point you in the right direction. Very very subtle clues.
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