So what did she do? Did she give it a good college try anyway and fail, safe in the knowledge that she'd done her best? Did she get depressed? Did she wait til the end of the exam and go cry herself into a coma? Did she just give up on life and die in a haze of drugs and booze? Did she HECK. No, this girl was made of stronger stuff than that. She thought "I'm not going to mess around with any of that pussy shit," and she committed suicide in the best way possible, given the equipment she had at her immediate disposal: SHE STUCK TWO SHARPENED PENCILS UP HER NOSTRILS AND HEADBUTTED THE DESK.
Think about that for a second.
Ok. A few points:
- Why? WHY? OH GOD, WHY?
- Who needs to commit suicide that badly? Surely she could have waited FORTY MINUTES to go back to her room and slit her wrists or something. Anythings beats the ol' pencil nose treatment.
The following suicides are better than pencil-nosing: slittings your wrists, hanging yourself, shooting yourself in the head, shooting yourself in the liver, shooting yourself in the balls, injecting yourself with concrete dust, eating pebbles, setting yourself on fire, jumping into a bag full of syringes, wearing a danish cartoon t-shirt in a radical mosque in Iraq, tapdancing across a minefield, being mean to an alligator, sleeping with your doctor's wife then telling him about it just before he's about to perform open heart surgery on you, kicking a swan, sucking out the end of your intestines from your anus using a high pressure vacuum cleaner, then tying that end to the blades of a lawnmower then turning the lawmower on, kissing a man with AIDs, not telling Jack Bauer where the bomb is, challenging Chuck Norris to a head-kicking competition, doing a three point turn on a motorway, jumping off a tall building, jumping off a small building, jumping off a box filled with shoes, headbutting the pavement, eating glass, eating Shreddies, messin' with the Rebel Town Boyz, self-cannibalising yourself, suicide bombing a room full of midgets, growing a beard SO BIG you can't eat anything... I could continue. Basically, anything is better than pencil nosing. ANYTHING. - Imagine being the guy sitting next to her. "Right, ok, question two. Oh, shit, what's the equation for resistance? Oh Lord. I cannot remember. Ok, ok, don't worry, just copy Jill's paper. Just be cool, glance over and AAAAAAAAAAAARGH HOLY CRAP. Oh yeah, voltage over current. Cool. Thanks, dead chick."
- Perhaps it was an accident. Perhaps she was fooling about, pretending to be a walrus or something, then fell asleep. It happens. Not very often, admittedly, but it does happen.
- For my massive female readership so far offended by all the gore in this blog, this is what it would look like if Brad Pitt tried out the same thing:
Yep. The glazed expression, the moronic gape... this time he's not just stupid... HE'S DEAD. - I think the worst part of the story is that it was specially sharpened pencils. It would be better with pens. Or even blunt pencils. Or a pair of compasses. Or even a fucking textbook. I think it's the idea of getting spinters in your brain, or the imagined sensation of the cold graphite puncturing my nasal roof, that makes my penis shrivel up and crawl into my body. Eugh. I won't be seeing him for a while.
- Wouldn't it be great if the pencils didn't actually kill her? Instead, she just headbutted the desk and sat there with the ends sticking out of her nose, looking and feeling dumb. Well, I guess, if the pencils had erasers on the end, she'd be able to, like, rub things out using her nose or something. Or or or perhaps the pencils made her super-intelligent or gave her telepathic powers and she could do the paper in record time and get full marks. Alternatively she would be mentally retarded for the rest of her life. That's another option. A funnier option, I think.
- Wouldn't this story make an excellent episode of CSI? Except instead of pencils it turns out that they're tiny little daggers, and it turns out that it wasn't suicide after all, it was in fact MURDER due to some complicated and convoluted backstory involving numerous red herrings and lots of shots of people in white coats looking serious.
- Actually, thinking about it, it would be a better TV advert for those CGP Revision books. A girl's doing the exam and she says "OH I CAN'T DO IT, I'M GOING TO FAIL!" and then she does the pencil nose thing. As she lolls back in her chair, she sprays blood across the room and hits Alan Whicker in the face. Alan Whicker: "What a terrible waste. If only she'd bought a CGP revision book. Buy them now before you two are forced to induce massive brain trauma! Thanks kids!"
- The funniest thing about this whole dreary story is that, after they carted her off to the undertakers, they had her exam marked anyway (I guess they sponged off the blood or had the exam printed on laminated paper or something), just to see how she did. Why? They were curious and wanted to test a scientific thesis: Are dead people smarter than living people? I guess the answer to that question is YES, because SHE GOT A FIRST, IE, THE BEST THING SHE COULD HAVE POSSIBLY GOT. I wonder if that was a consolation to her parents, Mr and Mrs CompassNose (this form of suicide ran in her family. Her uncle had killed himself in a similar manner but using a full-scale scientific calculator). So I guess she was better at particle physics than she thought. Pity she wasn't better at NOT DYING.
Eugh. EUGH EUGH EUGH. Nose-pencilling. Eugh. That's possibly the most horrible thing that I have ever heard. And I have heard several songs by Green Day. Several.
Comedy Mohammed No. 15:
You see that fat man there? That fat, bald man? He's my hero. Yes.
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