As I said previously, I saw V for Vendetta the other day. It's awesome. No, seriously, awesome. Basically, this film is about when a Nazi-ish government rises in Britain (hint: the leader of this party is called SUTLER. Get it?) and makes everybody's lives miserable. Then this guy in an awesome white mask mask turns up and hands their asses to them. He does this by blowing up things, stabbing guards in the hands, and murdering sleeping women. I can't downplay how awesome this film is. It makes terrorism fun! I want to go try out some of that stuff right now. I need to find myself a facist government. Then I'll make myself a cool-ass mask and fertiliser bombs before doing some cutlery combat to take them down. PERHAPS I SHOULD GO TO AMERICA EH???????//?!?/1/1//!?//1/!?!?!
EH? EH? EH? EH? EH? EH? BUSH IS HITLER? EH? EH? EH?
(Blogdog: OMG POLITICAL HUMOUR!!!)
Yeah. But this film was awesome. Really really awesome. And it also gives me hope for the future. You see, I was worrying about the way society is heading. I was worrying about the CCTV cameras, the security cards, the way that our civil rights are being slowly weathered away through the freeze-thaw tactics of our evil government, led by that obvious Nazi, cannibal, and child murderer Tony "Emotional... Pause" Blair. It seems obvious to me that a new Nazi party will rise and take over this country in the next few years. I was pretty bummed about this prospect for a while. But then it hit me. What the fuck do I have to worry about? I'll just carry out the Homer Simpson Method: hide under a pile of coats and hope that everything will somehow sort itself out. And it will. Because, if I have learnt ANYTHING from Hollywood, somebody will show up and save the day.
So the plan is simple. All I do is just wait out the bad times, keep my nose clean, and in twenty years - tops - the Government will manage to piss off some masked superhero vigilante (see: V, Neo, Luke Skywalker, Johnny Pneumatic, Winston Churchill) who will sort them out with bombs and heroics in, I reckon, a YEAR, tops. Awesome, I don't need any civil responsibility: SOMEBODY ELSE WILL DO ALL THE HARD WORK FOR ME! I'll be one of the citizens whose dancing about in the streets at the end of the film when the hero has killed all the evil government and replaced them with a fair democracy and a random ticker-tape parade is taking place.
The best part of the plan is that it's FOOLPROOF. I have blonde hair and blue eyes, so the Neo-Nazis won't even bother to mess with me. In fact, they'll love me. They'll probably put me on a poster or something, and then I can bring the system down from within by always blinking when the photographer takes the photo so all he'll have is a load of bad pictures of me blinking and the Neo-Nazis won't be able to put my picture on a bus stop and they'll have wasted a load of money on a photographer. And there will be loads of buff blonde women with wide, child bearing hips and home-made clothes, willing to cook me sausages and thatch my house and raise my beautiful blonde children. Yes siree, things are gonna be pretty sweet once the Nazis come and re-invade.
Of course, I assume there'll be a downside to it that I don't see at the moment. I guess that all my black friends will be taken off, so I'll have to find some other homies to talk jive with, and I won't be able to have any more bar-mitzvah drug cruises with my amigos Avishag Goldwinkelstein and Herschel Metrogoldweincohen, and my unemployed crippled black lesbian scrabble partner Sasha will be gone right out the window, and I guess that I'll have to give up listening to Linkin Park (cos they is so anti the authority that them Nazi screwbags just wouldn't be able to HANDLE IT... I bet that V listens to the L-Pizzle boys). Other than that, the Nazis = Sweet. Mecha-Hitler (or Hitler 2, or New Hitler, or Newtler) = Cool beans.
Hmm. You know what? I bet that Hitler 2 would listen to a lot of the Kaiser Chiefs. I don't know why, but the Kaisers just seem like the sort of band that Hitler'd like. I bet he'd have them on his iHateJewPod (it has a gun built in, and a little pair of pliars to pull out gold teeth and send them to get melted down into Nazi lego), and he'd always be listening to them during meetings and there'd be all sorts of kerazy comic mis-communications when he signs along. Yeah.
"Mein Fuhrer, we want to sign this declaration to close the camp at Auschwitz and let the Jews go. The Holocaust was a bad enough idea the first time. Do you REALLY want another one? It's really hard for the PR department to spin all the dead bodies."
"I PREDICT EIN RIOT!"
"Hmm... perhaps you're right. It would cause too much civil disturbance to release them. Ok, we'll just gas them all instead. And then we'll blow up the bodies and feed them to the other Jews. Good idea, mein Fuhrer."
You know what band I also think that Hitler would like? THIS ONE:
Prussian Blue
Yeesh. Although they may look young and innocent and (in the case of the one on the right) like Jaws from Moonraker, these two blonde miniwherfer-shells are anything BUT. Their names are Lynx and Lamb (nice names... nice names), and they are THE latest thing in the Hate-Rock music circle. Actually, 'Hate-Rock' is too harsh a word. Their music isn't really rock. It's more like 'Hate-WankyAcousticGuitarFolkRedneck' music.
Their music is an eclectic mix of KT Tunstall and Heidrich, emcompassing such diverse and fascinating themes as "We hate Black people" and "We love White People", as well as covering widespread topics like "The Media is biased and hates us cos we speak the truth about all Black people being rapists" and "The Nazis were kind of neat".
But please, don't for a second think that these two lovelies are racists. FAR FROM IT. They just speak the gospel truth about the world of today, as reflected by their totally unbiased website, The Official Prussian Blue Website (Check it out for a banner picture in which the girl on the left is thinking about skinning and eating a small child). Don't believe me? Tough. But this is a very useful website, I have to say. You see, I was wondering about the girls themselves, their personal lives, whether they had boyfriends or if they wanted to go out with a smooth lookin' Caucasian hunk o' flesh like me, when LO AND BEHOLD I found a whole page DEVOTED to such interests. There's no mention of a boyfriend, I see. Interesting.
Lamb and Lynx Gaede are two 13 year old twin sisters who are also known as the band Prussian Blue.
(Good for them. By the way, Gaede is pronounced GAY-d. Gay. Hehe. Only 13, though? Bit young. Hmm. Well, they live in the Southlands of America, and that's basically marryin' age, so I think we can make an exception.)
Recently they received international media attention because Prussian Blue is a White Pride band. The songs they the girls sing reflect their White Nationalist beliefs. Today, if you are White, and proud to be White, it is considered Politically Incorrect by the media. The music that Prussian Blue performs is intended for White people. They hope to help fellow Whites come to understand that love for one’s race is a beautiful gift that we should celebrate.
(Wait. Hold the phone. They're WHITE? When the fuck did they become WHITE? I get the impression that these girls might be WHITE. WHITE, you say? Yes, WHITE. WHITE WHITE WHITE. I notice a subtle political agenda going on here. Hmm.
When I read that their music was intended 'for white people', I immediately ran downstairs to look at myself in the mirror. Sure enough, I was white. YES, I thought to myself. I'm allowed to listen! But then I had a thought. What about all the black people out there? They won't be able to listen to the magic of PRUSSIAN BLUE. They could be missing out on all sorts of wicked beats to play their jungle drums to. So I did what any patriot would do: I immediately illegally downloaded a sample of their songs off the net for free. Well, there were a couple of real classics in that mix, I tell you. One of my favourites was 'Sk1nhed Boi', a cover of Avril Lavigne's 'Skater Boi', except that instead of a greasy haired skater boy who just can't get his girl, we have shaven headed neo-nazis who just can't lynch like they used to. The first line of this song was "Skinhead boy, standing fast, not afraid to kick some ass". No, seriously. But let's find out more...
Lamb was born first and Lynx was born six minutes later. They have a very close relationship but they are not identical and people who know them can tell them apart easily. When they were little they had a special language that only they could understand. Neither one is the leader or the follower, both of them are strong-willed and have minds of their own.
(Nearly identical? A special language that only get could understand? Strong willed? Minds of their own? Holy Crap, it's the Children of the Corn! And I don't mean to throw a spanner in their braces, but being strong-willed and having a mind of your own are not good attributes for when the Nazis make their comeback tour. They should be apathetic, spineless and opinionless, like me. Actually, when Hitler does return, I bet these two are gonna be like those teachers' pets you had in junior school who kept sucking up to the teacher. "Mrs Melville! Mrs Melville! I unpacked all the crayons and cleaned my desk before school started! Mrs Neil! I made you a card and tidied up the cloakroom before you got! Mr Hitler, Mr Hitler! I was persecuting the blackies years before you came back! Give me a cookie!" And then all the other Nazi leaders are going to hate them and beat them with soap when they're asleep. Fucking suckups.)
They have attended public school in Bakersfield, where they made a lot of friends and had a lot of fun. ( At first the girl’s were a little apprehensive at attending public school but by the end of the semester had made many many friends and won several school awards.) Lynx was chosen to be part of the 2005 Kern County Honor Choir. At the end of the year Lamb was presented with an award for Outstanding Student of the Year in her History class.
(Well thank fuck for that. I was worried for a second that they weren't going to fit in at school. In fact, I laid awake at night being neurotic. "What if the other girls don't like Lynx and Lamb? What will they do? Will they make friends?" But no, Lynx is part of the choir, and Lamb won a History award (possibly for her personal theme essay, "Holocaust Schmolocaust").
BUT WAIT A SECOND. I just had an amazing idea. To cross-market them. The girls star in their own situation comedy, kind of like "Fresh Prince of Bel-Air". Basically, Lynx and Lamb go on tour in a bus, which breaks down in HARLEM, and they have to go to school in some place full of black people. Over the course of the series, they start preaching their anti-black message and all the black kids realise how wrong they were to listen to Malcolm X, and vote to repeal the Emancipation Proclamation and go back to picking cotton. The series ends with the girls getting back on their bus and moving to Africa to reinstall Apartheid.)
Lynx and Lamb live with thier mom and stepdad and baby sister Dresden.
Well that's nice. A well balanced family unit there. Wait. Dresden? DRESDEN? DRESDEN? FECKING DRESDEN? WHO THE FUCK NAMES A BABY AFTER A GERMAN CITY THAT WAS BOMBED INTO THE GROUND BY THE ALLIES IN WW2? This just raises the question: Who the HELL is are the parents of these children? We all know who the father is: Hitler's disembodied ghost, armed with a turkey baster. But the mother must be like a combination of Himmler and that woman from Driving School with the big mole on her chin. You KNOW who I'm talking about. I bet she wears floral aprons and shoulder pads and beats the girls with bacon if they miss a practise. Kind of like the mother from Carrie.
I gotta say, though, their combination of scratchy prepubescent voices, twangy guitars and inspiring lyrics is really something to hear. So far, I have listened to their greatest tracks for a good hour solidly, and I'm singing along to some of their catchier lyrics, especially the song about how great Rudolph Hess was, and that other one that goes on about black people in masks attacking the houses of white people with guns. I feel more prejudiced already. Well DONE, Prussian Blue, you have converted yourself another soldier in your fight against people with different pigmentation in their dermis skin cells! I'm gonna go put a white traffic cone on my head and set fire to an Indian man! Let's go!
I know, I'm pathetic and apathetic (ha ha) to love Prussian Blue so much. But I just can't help it. They're so awesome on so many levels. I tried to show my appreciation of the way they've changed my thinking by carving swastika on my arm with a compass, but I only got to SWAS before I passed out and hit myself on the head with an antique pig-shaped door stop. So instead I made a picture of the girls. It's quite a metaphorical picture. Symbolic, if you will. It symbolises them rising above the heads of all the evil (read: black) people in the world, as well as the rising of a new world order, as soon as the Nazi party gets their fucking act sorted out:
Bluetterfly. What the fuck was I thinking. That's not even a pun. Christ. I've jumped the shark.
Comedy Mohammed No.12:
Oh, you have to admit, that one is pretty cool.
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