Well, you start in this car with these two Spanish guys called Santos and Pasqual. Well, we're never told that they're specifically NAMED Santos and Pasqual, but... come on. A pair of Spanish guys in nice uniforms? They're called Santos and Pasqual. And straight away, we know that these two are going to GET IT, because:
a: It's an American game (you can tell this, because they refer to Europe as a country... "I'm in this forest in the middle of Europe"... "she was spotted in Europe"), and thus any non-fit-female foreigners are going to be either comic relief or enemy fodder, and neither Santos NOR Pasqual are funny.
b: They are mean to our Hero, Manly Leon.
c: They refuse to get out of the car. Staying in the car is the number one cause of death in horror related films. Apparently it's always safer to get out and wander through the woods blindly, hoping that something exciting will happen.
d: They're wearing a uniform. Wearing a uniform is murder in the video-game universe. If a character's wearing a uniform, it means that the game designer hadn't been that bothered with the coding of them, as he knew that the character wasn't gonna be in the game for very long. If Santos and Pasqual had been wearing full size rainbow coloured diving suits with different indian headresses and had their own theme music, then I might have been more disposed to thinking that they survive. But a dull blue uniform? Sorry lads, no chance.
So, after crossing a bridge, you are dumped in the middle of the woods. Our Hero, Manly Leon, who despite having a gay emo haircut has a gun and a natty jacket, pulls out his gun and sets off on his mission. I immediately tried to have him run away towards civilisation, but apparently the game rules don't allow The Sensible Option. Leon also has a radio which allows him to talk nice lady who calls him up every twenty minutes, just to make sure he's ok. Yeah, nice one ma'am, keep radioing him. Don't, you know, send backup or anything. Just leave him in the middle of the enemy infested woods.
Artist's impression of Leon. Notice his thoughtful expression as he takes aim at the horde of brilliantly drawn zombies JUST out of shot. Also notice his rather fag-tastic hairdo. NB: Leon's skin is not pink. Yet. But you never know what could happen.
So, after wandering in circles for a bit while I figured out how to make Leon move in a straight line, we wandered down a path. Joe at this point was getting very overexcited, screaming RUN RUN RUN DOWN THE PATH YOU FOOL! at me, so I went out of my way to open the map every three paces and repeatedly change direction.
Eventually you end up in this house, where there's this angry mofo with an axe and a natty beard who decides that he's had enough of your pesky nosiness, and decides to chop you up good with his axe. Fortunately, this villager walks at, like two miles per hour and you're armed with a gun. I still managed to miss him with five of my shots, then wasted a good portion of the remained shooting him in the torso, which is apparently not full of vital organs in the Resident Evil world. BUT AFTER YOU KILL HIM, his buddies comes along. By the way, these guys AREN'T ZOMBIES. They are real, living humans. Fortunately, they speak a foreign language so you're allowed to kill them. Despite that his buddies also walk at, like two miles per hour and have little/no reasoning ability, I ran upstairs and threw myself out of a window, before missing both of them with well-aimed bullets. However, I then discovered the amazing 'kick' button, which allows you to do kung fu on the poor villagers. So, once they were dead, it was on with my investigation.
I sort of wandered down the road, walking into every booby trap on my way, wondering why, if the villagers were sophisticated enough to build lazer-powered boobie traps, they weren't smart enough to figure out guns. Or co-ordinating their attacks. Or, you know, running. EVENTUALLY, I reached the village, and discovered what those nasty, nasty villagers had done with Santos and Pasqual. Well, Santos anyway... Pasqual later turned up floating in a lake, before being eaten by a giant fish. Yes, you heard me, a giant fish. THEY HAD BURNT SANTOS ALIVE. ARGH. Well, possibly not alive.
That wasn't very nice. So then I decided that the straight attack on the village was what was necessay, so I ran in and shot lots of villagers. Then I went and hid inside a house and found A SHOTGUN. Then this guy with a bag on his head and a chainsaw came and cut off my head. Literally, the first time I heard the ROAR of the chainsaw I cried "WHOOPEE!". And my exact feelings when that guy first chainsawed off my head... wow. I was LITERALLY breathless. If you've seen Evil Dead 2, remember the first time Ash kitted up and said 'Groovy'. THAT was the level of amazed breathlessness that we're talking here. We're talking HEART IN MOUTH OPEN MOUTHED SHOCK.
"He... cut... off... my... HEAD!"
Lolz pwned!!!! LOLZ!!!!11!!!!ONE!!!!
Artist's Impression of Chainsaw Man. As you can see, very scary.
So, after that POOR excuse for a life, Ogg had a go. Chainsawed. Joe had a go. Chainsawed. We were having a difficult time cracking this, despite our very different tactics for surviving Village Run 1, as I've taken to calling it in the past half second.
My first tactic: Sneak around really sneakily, then lose it and run into a tiny room full of angry villagers and a chainsaw wielding freak. Get chainsawed.
Ogg's tactic: Run around really quickly, trying to do everything really cleverly. Climb up the tower. Climb down the tower. Get chainsawed.
Joe's tactic: Run around, trying to open every door in the village in a vain hope that one of them will lead somewhere useful. Fail. Get trapped in a corner. Chainsawed.
My second tactic: Give up trying to get anywhere, run amok in circles shooting anything that comes near... SURVIVE. For a bit. Then get blown up/eaten by something nasty. Or chainsawed. Yes, there is more chainsawing.
Did I mention that there was a guy with a chainsaw? And he survives EVERYTHING. I shot him with a shotgun, like, twelve times. All he does is fall down for a bit. He's even more invincible to gunfire than Lisa was in Resident Evil: Biohazard (man, that was a SCARY ass game).
But I must say, having survived the SCARY GIANT FISH (killed by throwing sticks into its mouth)
Random picture I found on google by typing in 'big fish'. NB: In the game, the fish is bigger. And probably less dangerous, seeing as all it does is swim in a circle and lose a swimming race with a fully dressed man wearing his shoes.
... the SCARY GIANT MAN (killed with the help of a cute passing dog)
Artist's (by the way, when I say 'artist', I really mean me, in ten seconds, with one hand) impression of giant. Pay attention to the mean expression on his face, and the relative sizes between the giant/a man. NB: Giant is neither green nor jolly.
... and THE SCARY MEN WHOSE HEADS EXPLODE TO REVEAL A HUGE BLOODY MASS OF EVIL WORMS (killed by running away. Fast.).
I quite like how I have delicately detailed the thought process that this fella is going through.
I thought that I'd seen it all. BUT I WASN'T PREPARED TO MEET MR CHAINSAW'S WIVES. BOTH OF THEM.
AT ONCE.
IN A PIT.
Chainsawlarity ensued.
Damn, that's one fuckoff good game. At the madcap rate I'm playing it, I think I'll have finished it by, uh, next week? Then I'll need a new ultraviolent game to play.
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