My little brother got The OC season 1 on DVD, and I am ashamed to say that I like it.
Ah man, why do I like the OC (or as I say it, the Ock), so much? I mean, it's really stupid. There are plot holes bigger than KT's Vagina or, as we in 5D commonly call it, Joe's Fishy Glove. It makes no sense. Everyone is beautiful all the time, no matter how much they'd had to drink or how many nacotics they've taken the night before. Despite having massive cars and living next to huge cliffs, everybody tries to kill themselves by ODing on pills.
There's a major social event every day, and they are always perfect. Except for the fist fights that break out in every single one. I'd like to see a party in the Ock that's really shit. You know, crepe paper on the tables, disgusting party nibbles, all the food and drink running out, some twat hiding the party sausages in a cupboard, the floor covered in a thick paste of congealed food/booze/mud. But NO, all the parties are glittering affairs with loud music and crazy flaming torches. How come there are flaming torches? How come I never see flaming torches when I'm at a party? I'll tell you why - because with proper teenage parties, the flaming torches get knocked over and set fire to that drunk guy in the corner. Or people use them in sword fights. Or something. Normal teenagers cannot be trusted. The bunch in the OC are a bunch of rich cunts.
AND YET I LIKE THIS SHOW.
I was confused.
Then it hit me. Like a freight train of morbid inspiration. Screw my thesis on the relative values of the OC. I'll just do another list-related post that has nothing to do with the introductary paragraph, and fuck the rest of you! But this list will be subtely different. Firstly, everyone who reads this post is going to compose a long comment at the end of it to prove to me that I didn't just waste an hour typing this up. Secondly, this one has PICTURES. And I don't mean lame, ripped off the net shit. I mean ORIGINAL ARTWORK. This is AN ART BLOG!
How did I get this artwork? I showed an episode of the OC to my five year old cousin and told him to do a picture of each of the main characters using my fancy black solvent pen and an assortment of every colour in the world, providing that those colours were blue, yellow, red, orange or black as those were the only ones that were directly to hand. Thinking about it, was it a good idea to give a solvent pen to a five year old? Oh well, I guess we'll never know now.
And so, I now present:
My pictoral representation of the main characters from Season 1 of the OC, in alphamabetical order
Actually, before I start doing this, I have a confession to make. I don't have a five year old cousin. I drew these pictures with my own hands. I was just ashamed. I'm sorry for lieing. Lying. Liing? Lyeing? Fuck this. Enjoy.
Anna
Ah, Anna. Anna is one third of the Seth/Anna/Summer love triangle. Anna is 'the cooky hilarious one from Pittsburg', that Seth ends up choosing over Summer, who is generally regarded as 'the fit one' by pretty much everyone except me. The relationship between Anna and Seth seems to good to be true, but will it last? As she's not featured with the rest of the cast on the DVD box cover, I'd say the chances are FAIRLY slim.
Anna's main features are her spray-painted on cheekbones, blue eyes and her magic one hundred and eighty degree neck, which does a fair proportion of the acting.
If you spend your OC time watching Anna's neck, I assure you that you'll be getting a treat - every time she moves anywhere, her head remains in state for a good half a second before following the rest of the body. It's great. Also, she does a little r&b shiggle-wiggle (don't ask me what a shiggle-wiggle is, I have NO idea) every time she looks over at anything. Man, I look at Annas neck too much.
And don't ask me why she doesn't have a nose, you should have been my first attempt at drawing Anna. Yes, you heard me correctly. These pictures were actually the end result of several failed attempts and redraws. Yes, these WERE the best I could do.
Kirsten
I have no idea. Kirsten has absolutely no characteristics whatsoever. She might be really attractive, or a great personality, but I just Don't Know. She sort of blends in with the background. I think that Kirsten is the straight man to the comedy of the rest of the family, but I don't know. Straight man? You know what that says to me? Dead wood.
No, wait, I get it now. She provides the all important morals, ie:
Cool guy: Yeah, that was a great party.
Other cool guy: Yeah, man.
Kirsten (materialising from a dustbin): DON'T DO DRUGS!
She also has a good line in disapproving stares. She's basically the stick-in-the-mud of the OC universe. Or Ockville, as I call it. Although, I hear that she gets run over with a monster truck next season. So that's something to look forward to.
Luke
As you can see, Luke is the bad guy of the series. There are several clues to his 'bad boy' status:
He has glowing red eyes, apparently.
He stands at the very back of the rest of the cast on the DVD cover.
He looks mean on the cover.
His head is triangular.
He's also called Luke, which is a pretty evil name.
He's growling.
He spends his time looking angry at the camera and standing in front of it.
He calls people who disagree with his opinions 'bitch', proving just how hard he is.
He's also the boyfriend of Marissa, which we all know is rubbish because Ryan is the only guy for her and any other guy is just likely to be up to no good. Which it turns out he is.
Luke is the threat of, like, the first seven episodes, but then they turn him into comic relief. Being turned into comic relief is, I guess, a bit of a knock for any bad-guy. I wonder what the Darthvadster would have said if Lucas had told him to slip over a banana peel and be pelted by pies. I guess it would have been something like "NEVER PUNY FAT MORTAL! MWAHAHAHAHA! FEEL MY FORCE POWERS!", followed by some ass-kicking force maneuvres. Although, thinking about it, that bit he got both legs cut off and was set fire at the end of Episode 3 WAS pretty funny.
Prrrick.
Marissa
Marissa, as well as having the largest cheekbones known to man, also mispronounces many words in a way that can't be described but is intrinsically irritating. She sounds like the kind of person who says 'cuh' a lot. You know, that sound that you make when you rasp the back of your mouth with your tongue, while moving the said mouth muscle up and down. I don't know.
Marissa is also roughly nine feet tall and, despite being a child of (spoiler) divorce and (spoiler) trying to kill herself and (spoiler) having (spoiler) a drinking problem, AND being best friends with a crazy stalker called (spoiler) Oliver who isn't in this list because I didn't have enough space on my piece of paper, she has perfect skin and the body of a supermodel. Bitch.
She also has long, long kissing sessions with Ryan, who is about 2 feet tall. So she should have mouth ulcers too. But does she? No. Another example of how normal people get SCREWED by American teenage sitcoms.
Ryan aka The Manly One
Ryan is the luckiest boy in the world. Lets just get that straight. Oliver Twist? Little Lord Faulteroy? Charlie Bucket? Compared to Ryan, they were SHIT. Ryan comes from the mean streets of Chino. I don't see what's so mean about the streets of Chino. I mean, they're named after a type of trousers/shoes that my homosexual ex-priest art teacher used to wear. How mean can they be? He then gets rescued by a kindly lawyer and lives in total luxury for the rest of his life, just like the end of Annie, except with less singing and NO RED HAIRED LITTLE SHIT.
Ryan has it preeeeetty cushty, to be honest. And yet, is he happy? No, he bloody isn't. He just mopes around, using his two stock expressions - 'moody' and 'confused'. That's it. Moody and confused. I mean, you'd think that, having been told that you get to live a life of luxury for the rest of your days, you'd be happy. But no. He just looks confused when that particular bombshell is dropped. He also has a good skill at whispering all his lines. It's called 'acting', apparently.
But I must say, his moody looks ARE tingle-making. There's one episode that ends with a thirty second shot of him walking down a street in slow motion with his moody-vision set to 'Manly'. Any boy would lucky to be the bride of such a manly man. Did I say he was manly? He is manly. As well as having the squarest of square chins and looking suspiciously twenty-eight for a sixteen year old schoolboy, Ryan also has superpowers. Yes, he can run up an entire skyscraper of stairs to the tune of Finley Quaye's "Dice" in TEN SECONDS. If that's not manly, I don't know what is.
Sandy
Sandy has big eyebrows. He also looks a bit like a dog. Don't ask me why he has blue lips. I'm not a doctor.
Sandy is also the Kindest Man in the World, randomly deciding to take a street urchin into his house for no reason. But, of course, it's not his house, it's his wife Kirsten's. Kirsten is the daughter of the Richest Man in the World. So, really, he's a bit of a mooch. Mooch. Mooch. Did I mention that his eyebrows have their own postal code? Well, they do. Except in America, they call them Zip Codes, because in America, every word has to sound snappy and smart, even if it has nothing to do with the object it's associated with.
Sandy is also the Best Lawyer in the Kingdom, being able, as he is, to adopt a random 16 year old in less than two hours by asking social services, without talking to boy, the boy's mother, or, indeed, anyone, first. Wow, if adoption is that easy, I'm off to do it tomorrow. Sandy also goes surfing every day. And comes back with sexy tousled wet hair. Mmm. He truly is the Grooviest Lawyer Around. Man oh man. Sandy, if only you could sing and had a vagina, and then I'd marry you in a second.
Seth
Seriously, what a twat. Everyone loves Seth. Girls love him because they want to have sex with him. Women love him for the same reason. Gays love him because he has a nice tushie. Homophobes love him because he looks sort of like a woman. Jews love him because he's jewish. Palestinians love him because he doesn't mention this fact very often. Old people love him because he's respectful to his father. Blind people love him because they can hear his his reassuringly intelligent voice. Deaf people like to look at his ties, which are always in a bright display of colours and shapes. Teenage boys like him because he reads comic books, but only elitist ones that they haven't heard of them. Deaf/blind people like to stroke his silky white cheeks and run their hands through his curly black hair. Deaf/blind people with no limbs, well, to be honest they have enough to worry about. Mothers want to tuck him up in bed. Fathers want to teach him to not be such a pussy. Michael Jackson wants to bum him.
Even I love Seth. When I say his name, I say it in a very forlorn loving way. You can see my typing the (L)s (that's MSN speak for love hearts) around his name. To be honest, I want to take him home and mother him.
What a twat.
Summer
Yeah. Before anybody makes any assumptions, Summer is not an alcoholic prostitute who's beaten up by her boyfriend with a stick, no matter what my picture may make you believe. Summer is meant to be the other 'kooky' one (they're both kooky, don't ask me, I didn't write the fucking thing), which sort of comes across as 'slutty, obsessive material gimpetta'. By the way, gimpetta is the feminine form of 'gimp', for any language students out there. Use it well.
Everybody thinks that Summer is the fittest girl on the planet. I think she has a kind of fat neck. And her head is shaped like a pair. But what do I know? I've been romantically attached to Nearly. And I think that lava lamps are really nifty. And I did draw the preceding eight pictures. I probably shouldn't be trusted with fashion/beauty/design style. To be honest, I probably shouldn't be trusted with anything.
CALIFORNIA HERE WE COME! Etc. Comment, I didn't spent twenty seconds on those pictures for nothing.
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