So crap, there are paedophiles EVERYWHERE. Why, I bet twelve of them are reading this page right now, drooling into their filthy, semen stained candy filled laps, slowly stroking a torn babygro with one hand and their own pubic hair with the other, chewing the half-decomposed remains of a big mac with their crooked, blackened teeth, listening to Aqua and watching Ballamory. Hey, you, get off my blog! I am a child, and want nothing to do with your evil EVIL ways.
Anybody remember that advert for paedophiles with that 40 year old talking in a child's voice? Christ, that was an annoying advert. Firstly: the paedophile wasn't evil looking enough. Being the British General public, I won't believe it's a paedophile until he's sitting in a pool of children's blood and melted chocolate, with a little whispy mustache and a monocle. Monocles are generally accepted as being evil. And the paedophile's only method of convincing us that he was a child was to talk a load of shit about buttons and medals. Basically, I think that if any child is dumb enough to get caught by this particular paedophile, he deserves everything he gets. Hell, it's all life experience, innit?
Talking of adverts, there's this AOL (spit) ad about with this stupid git (actually, he looks a bit like that bloke in the erectile disfunction tv ads) who walks about talking about things make you feel safe. So as he's walking along, he sees a woman locking her car, a child holding her mother's hand, and he locks his own door as he goes in. So already, we have a sense of paranoia - everyone is TERRIFIED of being run over/robbed by the Bad People. Then he goes on about being 'protected while on the internet'. Then you seem him click the AOL safety buttons to block all the Nasty Things on the internet. Firstly, he moves the mouse really slowly. For some reason, everyone in computer adverts moves their mice like they have some sort of crippling bone marrow disease. Secondly, THIS GUY LIVES BY HIMSELF. AND HE'S LIKE 40 YEARS OLD. I mean, whats the worst fucking thing that he could see on the internet? Here's a clue: begins with t and rhymes with ubgirl.com. But... why does he need PROTECTING from the internet? I mean, you don't accidentally go onto porn.
Man: Ah, now time to check the cricket scores. OH MY GOD! BREASTS! *heart attack*
Internet: MWAHAHAHAH! ANOTHER VICTIM FROM MY WEB OF EVIL!
And I repeat: HE IS FORTY FUCKING YEARS OLD. I mean, unless he still lives with his mother (and he might do - it's generally accepted that people who star in AOL adverts Have No Life) he has probably seen a pair of nipples before. And - seriously - what are this guy's chances of being kidnapped by a paedophile? Preeeeeetty slim. But then, if this 40 year old virgin with erectile disfunctions still living with his mother needs protection from the internet, what chance do we children have? As, of course, everybody on the internet is a paedophile, and there are disturbing images everywhere, to corrupt our kids. I bet it's generally accepted that paedophiles have gained such evil powers that they can actually reach THROUGH the screen to snatch our kids away.
Jimmy: Wow, daddy, I'm going to go onto the princess horsies website! OH MY GOSH, DADDY, THAT WOMAN IS KISSING A HORSE!
Daddy looks up and sees the website. He leaps to his feet.
Daddy: JIMMY! GET AWAY FROM THE SCREEN!
But it's too late. A grimy, grey skinned hand bursts forth from the screen and grabs Jimmy's hair. Nursery rhymes begin to play in the background. The dad leaps forward, grabbing the axe.
Jimmy: Daddy, he's traumatising me!
Daddy: NOOOOOOO!
And the hand pulls Jimmy through the screen, into a land of perverted sex and frolics and CANDY. The dad swings his axe, misses, and takes off his son's foot. He picks up the foot and cradles it.
Daddy: NOOOOO! My son has been molested by paedophiles! Curse you, internet!
Internet: MWAHAHAHHA! ANOTHER CHILD, LURED INTO MY WEB OF SORDID WOUNDINGS BY MY PROMISES OF CANDY AND FUN! MWAHAHAHHAHAHAH!
Damn that internet. Son of a bitch. They should put signs up in every computer retailer, IT room, office and school in the country:
As, after all, the entire internet is filled with predatory sex offenders, looking for their next meal. And this means that we children are being increasingly banned from using the net... going outside... talking to strangers... doing anything by ourselves. Basically, as long as we do whatever parents say, we WON'T be anally raped by a 40 year old ex-con called Uncle Frisky. And his finger puppet, Scuba Frankie (I'm sorry, that joke was so disgusting... I just hope I'm the only one who gets it).
The fear of PAEDOPHILES is this century's 'bogyman' myth. In the 20th century, it was serial killers. Then it was Communists. Then it was Nazi spies. Then it was foreigners. Then it was folks who weren't the right sort of Christians. Then it was the French... wankers. Then it was Native Americans. Then it was non-christians. Then it was non-sun worshippers. Then it was, I dunno, dinosaurs or something. This time, however, there's a two-pointed attack: paedophiles for the kids, terrorists for the adults. Of course, we normal Good People are perfectly protected. As long as we're good.
And there's a lovely hidden implication: society will protect you from these evils, as long as you do what you're told. I don't mean to be a conspiricy theorist, but I have yet to see one booby-trapped terrorist running down the streets of Hampton, riding a horse, screaming madly about Allah and waving a sword madly above his head. I have seen lots of brou-ha-ha about terrorists in the news, people being arrested, and me being ANNOYED BY AIRPORT SECURITY. Wankers.
Statistically, your chances of being killed by a terrorist are less than being killed by a toaster. But that doesn't mean that the toasters and people suspected of being toasters are arrested and locked away for questioning. And we don't get endless news updates about toasters. Now, I would actually quite like that... grainy army footage of a bunch of soldiers invading Currys and drop kicking a toster to the floor before putting it down with a few well placed shogun blasts. But that ain't gonna happen, is it?
But... if terrorism is such a big risk, where are all the terrorists? Oh look, there's one. No, wait, it was a leaf blowing past my window.
And I haven't seen any paedophiles yet. Haven't gone on a website and had somebody ask me whether I'd like to meet up for ice cream in the park. Haven't had one proposition on my blog. Haven't been followed around London by one hunchbacked, greasy skinned pervert in a raincoat, holding a copy of Tweenies magazine over a tiny boner. Why not? I feel left out. I want to be molested. At least then I'd know that I have sex appeal. I mean, it's almost as though most of these perverts don't exist and it's just an excuse for the Government to scare the public and keep us all nicely under control. Of course, if there are paedophiles out there, I apologise. You're doing a bang up job. In fact, I'm being mean. I can't just sit there and say you don't exist. I have to give you a chance to prove yourselves.
Hey, I just had a new idea for a game show. It's kind of creepy, exploitative and appeals to the very Lowest Common Denominator. ITV would love this shit.
It's called: YO, MOLEST ME!
Basically, I herebye challenge all you paedophiles out there: track me down, kidnap me, and molest me. I'm in full working order over here, no sexual diseases or unsightly scars. I'm a real bargain. I think it would be hilarious if somebody tried to bundle me in a car with a screwdriver to my neck. I mean, it would prove me wrong. But somehow, I doubt that I will be proven wrong. I mean, it's pretty hard for A MADE UP PERSON to kidnap me. This isn't really a show, though, is it? More of a challenge. It can be a one-off documentary, following five different perverts as they try and track me down.
It would be presented by Michael Barrymore and would feature music by Gary Glitter and the big man Michael Jackson.
I sense this article is distinctly pro-child molesters. But, really, they are EVIL. For those of you who are truly scared by paedophiles, I've just made a little identikit image (WHICH ALL PAEDOPHILES FIT TO) which you can use to identify the perverts:
Ok? All paedophiles look like this. Without fail. Be safe.
Peace out. And a big YO to all the perverts out there! Lets have some comments.
No comments:
Post a Comment