Yesterday, I saw the piece of modern cinema that is Scream 3. In the final chapter of this brilliantly written and acted urban classic, which is like all postmodern and stuff, the teens from the previous film are tracked by the psycho serial killer on the set of the film telling the story of the last time the psycho serial killer attacked them back in their home town with a bunch actors portraying them as their previous incarnations and I mean MAN this film is cleverly postmodern and an ironic subversion of the entire serial killer genre. Like, wow man. I'M SPACING OUT.
Here's the killer:
Woah, dude. Careful there, you might scare me to death. OUCH the nauseating sense of pervading fear that I get from that mask makes me wish that I was sitting on a toilet as opposed to a badly broken swivelly chair missing many bits of metal/screw/bolts from the bottom. Woahhh. I mean, just look at that wide open mouth and the eyes that almost seem to be SCREAMING. Can I say woah again? I feel I must just to point out how TERRIFIED I am of that mask. Especially as we've seen it in like two other films before, therefore the FEAR just MULTIPLIES EACH TIME HE APPEARS. Neeeeeeever gets old. But seriously, this film needs to be rewatched several times just to appreciate the infinite sublayers of plot and character development that are taking place with every word uttered by the well drawn, fascinating cast of characters including 'sarcastic blonde,' 'angry darkhaired man' and 'jive-talking negro'. Whoever wrote the Godfather can piss off. Micheal Corleone? Shit, compared to 'mean movie studio boss'. 'With grey hair.'
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The killer in Scream is the shittiest piece of shit ever. I mean, just look at him. LOOK AT HIM. That is a disgrace. They use same cheapass mask in THREE FILMS? They could have at least changed the colour of it. Or added spikes or something. Spikes make everything magically cool. I mean, even FREDDY's face changed over the course of his films, and he had permanent facial scarring. Also, the Scream costume is made of some cheap shiny fabric. I mean, if it's meant to look like something that you could buy outta Clinton's Cards for 25 quid, which it might do, then it's BRILLIANT costume design. But for serial killing purposes it sucks. Why the hell do so many people CHOOSE to dress up like this killer? I mean, it's just shit, isn't it?
Also, he's retarded. Firstly, he falls over every five seconds. He jumps through windows by accident, gets backflipped, kicked in the face, shot, thrown down stairs, kicked some more, punched, and stabbed with an icepick. Now I would normally say that this is a positive aspect - he can take a lot of pain - but most of these accidents were due to him being a total fuckwit who falls over a lot. Like one time he tries to stab a teen, he misses and punches through a window. What a disgrace. Somewhere, Norman Bates is watching and shaking his head sadly.
And that reminds me; The Scream dude uses a knife to kill his enemies. A KNIFE. Well, why don't you wear a stupid mask if you're gonna go for the most cliched of cliches? Oh, wait, you already do. And if anybody says 'well it's meant to be a satire of horror movies so it's ok if it's cliched as it's all cleverly postmodern' then I'm gonna get mad. I don't care if it's meant to be a satire (and it is quite a clever one, but I'm going to mock it as being a shitty horror movie) it was marketed to the teen crowd as a straight horror and anyway, most of the fuckwits who went to see it have NO CLUE WHAT A SATIRE IS ANYWAY. Probably thing that it's a little fat man with goat legs, pan pipes and a love of wine. But who am I kidding, that's too smart a reference. But anyway.
Knives are shit. Everybody uses knives. Want to be a modern COOL serial killer? Use cheesewire. Or a human leg. Or a fucking samurai sword. Or your own hands. ANYTHING BUT A KNIFE. Knives suck so much. It's actually painful how much they suck. They suck so much they leave lovebites. Oooh, look at me, I'm a serial killer with a knife now I'm going to cut you up but OH NO YOU SURVIVED THE KNIFEWOUND SO NOW I'M GOING TO HAVE TO CHASE YOU AROUND THE HOUSE WITH YOU BLEEDING EVERYWHERE. Man that sucks.
What else? Oh yeah, the killer hunts teenagers. Teenagers? Well done mate, why don't you go hunt heavyweight boxers while you're at it, you moron. Which is gonna be the fastest, hardest punching and be the most hardy of all the stages of human development? Hint: it aint old age. If you were really serious about serial killing, then at least you could've taken on a couple of old people. Or babies. Or cancer patients. Or people with no legs. They can't run that fast, and they get caught in doors and stuff. Or Terry Schiavo. The entire film would be the killer dithering blindly about whether to kill her. Then it ends with him dynamiting the body just to piss off America.
So he's hunting teenagers. Ok, it's moronic, but at least it's a modus operandi. But then he takes like twenty minutes and about five-thousand stabs to kill each of them. Surely one decent stab in the heart would be enough to kill even the hardest of teenagers. But no. First he he has to miss about four times. Then he just cuts them a bit in a side-swipe. Then he stabs them but they're still able to survive fine. THEN he stabs them again. Not dead yet? No, then he hits them with something/throws them outta window. And THEN they still manage to stagger off in a tottering manner to be found by their friends.
If this is the best the serial killer mode of today can do, I am DISAPOINTED. But, irritatingly, it is. Here are the most recent cinema serial killers I can think of. I'm not counting Freddy/Jason because, to be honest, they were from a decade ago, and Freddy v Jason is rubbish.
The guy in Cherry Falls: Get this... it was a MAN dressed as a WOMAN because his mother was RAPED by FOUR PEOPLE and he was ABUSED AS A CHILD (chained to a cot then beaten in a hilarious flashback) and so he KILLS TEENAGERS who HAVEN'T HAD SEX YET. Did I mention that this is a man dressed as a woman? That worked in Psycho. Did it work in Cherry Falls? Nnnno. He managed to kill many teenagers, but was still defeated by a teenage girl. A teenage girl who likes toe-sex. Man that was a weird and strangely rubbish film. Did I mention that he was dressed as a woman? A WOMAN. THAT WAS THE SCARIEST CONCEPT THEY COULD COME UP WITH. Also, he used a knife. Woahhhhh.
The Guy in I know What You Did Last Summer: He used a hook instead of a knife, which was quite cool despite the fact that hooks are totally useless. His scaryness is basically relegated to the fact that he has a hook and dresses up in a mac to scare people. Gets defeated by a teenage girl again. Christ. In the sequel he manages to accidentally kill his own son then gets shot. Well done, spacker. You got rinsed.
The Boogyman: I didn't even see this film, but from what I hear, he's a cupboard that eats people. And also a piece of evil bubble wrap. Wow. Just...wow. 10/10 for imagination, -10/10 for everything else.
So basically there are no good movie serial killers any more. Except Patrick Bateman. And the Texas Chainsaw Massacre family, but they weren't exactly original, were they?
SO GUESS WHAT! I DECIDED TO MAKE MY OWN KILLER USING PHOTOSHOP. WOAH DIDN'T SEE THAT COMING DID YOU? WOW OH WOW MAN! This is the best serial killer ever. This is the serial killer of the future. This serial killer is one to rejuvinate this dying (a ha ha) series and give us all what we want most: Blood and gore and old people being detonated.
Here you go:
Woah, that is so cool. I've outdone myself this time. Do you like the blood splatter? I do. That is one moody mofo. I bet he listens to Linkin Park. Only moody people listen to Linkin Park. And serial killers. Look, I even did a key and everything, just so I can give you the details of this killer, who I shall name... Roy. Or Chainsaw Zombie. Or Erkle, I don't care.
1: A chainsaw. We need more killers with chainsaws in slasher films. You can imagine a chainsaw as lots of little knives spinning really fast. Like fifty times more efficiant than a KNIFE. That'll sort out Sarah M-G's annoying face. Take that, Buffy, you stupid tit. Rinsed by my chainsaw prowess. And if our heroine manages to lock the bedroom door and attempt to phone the police (assuming the villain hasn't already cut the phone lines... knowing Roy, the phone lines will be cut and the house will probably on fire), Roy can just SLICE IT DOWN LIKE BUTTER. MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA! RINSED. In my opinion, any serial killer film could be improved with just the addition of a chainsaw. In fact, who am I kidding? Any FILM could be improved with the addition of a chainsaw. Full stop.
2: A gun. In my opinion, this is also a necessity for the smart serial killer. Think about it, the heroine pushes a bookcase on you (well, not Roy. Roy has already cut her up good, so this really applies to all the other serial killers), and you're trapped. She's fleeing down the hall to safety. What do you do? Well, if you're a normal serial killer, you manage to escape and piss off to kill another few of her friends at a party before finally getting your shit ruined by an axe/gun/television. But if you're Roy, you just raise your big gun and BLAMMO. Take out her spine. She's in a wheelchair for the rest of her life. Then you can set fire to her and roll her down a hill. Owned.
3: Head full of smart plans. You always need a head full of smart plans to be a serial killer. Especially one with a chainsaw. MY killer would always find a smart way to kill his victim, often involving insects and bodily mutilation. No stupid-ass stabbings for me. With the lyrics to 'Papercut' by hardcore serial killer band Linkin Park whirring through his head, Roy manages to escape police, and kills without being kicked repeatedly in the head. Also, if he has enough strength for ONE LAST SCARE, he decides to conserve it and kills the ambulance crew, instead of jumping up and OH DEAR getting shot like everybody else does.
4: Surrounded by a pool of blood. See, Roy is successful at this whole serial killer deal. Look at all that blood. He's like the chainsaw man from Resident Evil, except he is far more manly. And he doesn't have a burlap bag on his head. Tit. When Roy enters the stage, you KNOW somebody's gonna get murdered horribly and probably eyeball-slicingly. THAT'S how good he is at this whole serial killing shebang. He has an entire shelf in his fridge full of eggs, but instead of eggs it's people.
5: A nice apron. Well, it keeps all the blood splatters off his natty suit, doesn't it?
Oh yeah, there will be no sequels to the Roy films (soundtrack by heavy hardcore metal legends Linkin Park. Instead, there will be one 4 hour long serial killing epic which ends with Roy decapitating every 'head' (AHAHHAHA) of state in one long bloodbath then retiring to the town of Royson Vasey to live with his godparents in their shop.
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