A bird? A plane? Who the heck cares?

I saw Superman Returns (Aka Superman 5: Lots of Shots of Things Vibrating and Lights Inexplicably turning Themselves Off) last night with the squaw. At the cinema (that's right, none of those Pirate DVDs for me - that's stealing and STEALING IS A CRIME). I'm not gonna lie, I was quite excited to see it. I mean, I'm a huge fan of the original films (I saw the last five minutes of the first one at the dentist's one day, and I swear there was another one where Supes was getting beaten down by these three other guys and I definitely watched a good five minutes of that and being slightly amused) and I had heard nothing but good things about the latest incarnation. So I was pleasantly anticipating an enjoyable evening's entertainment in the company of everyone's favourite man of steel, flying about, saving the day, and generally being an all-round do-gooder.

I left the film with a very unpleasant taste in my mouth. No- not Cilit Bang (although that does taste pretty foul, even while mixed with Pimms, most delicious thing ever), but the bitter taste of DISAPPOINTMENT. And DISGUST. And, worst of all, DISAPPOINTMENT. For I felt let down by Supes. He wasn't the all-American rampaging hero of fortune that I had expected. No. He was a pointless boring selfish racist child-molester. Yes, you heard me. A BORING POINTLESS SELFISH RACIST CHILD-MOLESTER. HE KIDDY-FIDDLES!!! HE HATES THE BLACKS!!! RAAAAAACIST!!! I should write to someone to complain.

(By the way, this post contains spoilers about Superman Returns. Like the fact that Lex Luthor turns out to be Superman's mother. And Superman ends up with some ugly son who needs a super-haircut).

But surely Thomas, you are saying, Surely you are mistaken? Superman... he can't be a boring selfish racist child-molester! That makes no sense! No sense at all! He's the man of steel! He can do anything! He saves people from stuff! Surely he's a useful exciting selfless non-prejudiced child-SAVER! You have no proof! You must be wrong!

See, that's an interesting point of view, and I know that everyone is entitled to their own opinion, but I really have two main responses to it. The first is to bitch-slap you and say YOUR RONG. I am never mistaken - there are Ten A*s at GCSE backing me up on this point here. The second is that actually, yes I do have proof. Well, I say proof. I mean rhetoric. But they are both equally valid in a court of law. I will now argue my points:

Superman is pointless
This is a bit of a controversial point but I'm going to argue it anyway because I have nothing better to do. Now I know at first glance Superman would appear to be anything BUT pointless - after all, he flies about the world saving people from falling down buildings and shit. But when you really think about it, does he ever make a significant difference to anything? I mean, Superman's dad said that Superman would be a 'guiding light' and lead humanity to greater things. Superman don't do none of that shit, he basically just saves humanity from things falling on them. Woop, big leader, you prevented like ten or twelve people being crushed by a giant metal globe. I'M REALLY IMPRESSED. ZZZ. Now balance the budget if you want to impress me. Or secure world peace. Or cure cancer.
We never see you do any of those things because basically your entire job is to provide a big springy safety-net for careless people. You know what I think? If you're dumb enough to build a huge easily-toppled brass globe on the roof of your skyscraper then you DESERVE to be crushed when it fall off at the slightest provocation. All Superman does is provide a get-out clause for idiots. Guiding light for humanity my ass.

Superman is boring
The thing about Superman is that he's a really shit comic-book hero, just because he's so good. The guy can fly at supersonic speeds, hear anything, is bulletproof, has ice-breath and laser-vision, and is impervious to everything except kryptonite and, apparently, horses. None of his enemies even stand a chance. At least Batman can get beaten up by some skinny psychiatrist with a bag on his head. Spiderman gets bumraped by a train and gravity. Daredevil got his ass kicked by a fat black guy (although Daredevil is crap). But Superman can just fly off whenever he wants and melt his enemies' heads from afar. None of the bad-guys stand a chance, which thus reduces all the tension in the film down to 0. Oh look, he's going to shoot them oh no wait Superman saved the day. Oh christ the fire is about to burn down the oh look Superman saved the day. Jesus watch out he just fell off that balcon oh look Superman saved the zzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Although it sure is lucky that Superman returned, like, the day before every screw in the city simultaneously exploded and everything starting falling off high places. Cough the scriptwriter is a moron cough.

I mean, I would be slightly placated if it turned out that there was ever some real threat to Superman's dominence. It would be ok if Superman's arch enemy, Kevin Spacey, had some kind of awesome plan to destroy humanity that could theoretically work. But what is Spacey's plan? I'll tell you what: Spacey's plan is to use magic crystals to make some huge island right next to America, which he will then sell or something and make lots of money. Unfortunately, in doing so he will also destroy all of America. Ok. Good plan Spacey. A few problems though:
1: Your plan sucks.
2: There's an entire fecken Pacific ocean, why make your gay little island right next to America, where you'll kill loads of people and piss off the rest of the planet?
3: How the hell are you going to assert your leadership over your new continent? Are you just gonna be, like "Hey check it out I'm Kevin Spacey you have to pay me a million pounds to live on my island. And no girls allowed," to the police? Good luck loser.
4: Your new 'continent' is like half a metre wide. It's not gonna be knocking down America any time soon. And then Superman can just lift it up and throw it into space. GREAT PLAN.
5:Your island looks like shit. Nobody's gonna wanna live in a huge black crystallised pit in the middle of some rubbish sea.

So in conclusion: Superman is boring and his enemy is rubbish.

Superman is selfish
Superman is a selfish cunt.

You know in Spiderman when they go, like "With great power comes great responsibility", yeah? That means that you always have you use your powers to help people. And if you're Superman AKA strongest man alive AKA man who never gets tired AKA man who needs to rest AKA man who can go around forever, saving people 24/7, that's exactly what you should do: Devote ALL your time to helping people. You don't save people for like two hours a day, then fuck off and go to work in some office, pretending to be some bumbling crap guy called Clark Kent. That isn't acceptable. You are Superman; you have literally no reason to have an alter-ego. You don't need the money. You never even do any work you lazy shit. The only reason that Superman goes to work is to hang about with Lois Lane.
Let's compare superheroes. Spiderman is poor, he's failing university, he can't get a girlfriend, he's a loser, but HE STILL GOES OUT TO SAVE PEOPLE AS MUCH AS HE CAN. Now imagine all the hundreds of people who are crushed by falling objects while Superman is poncing about ogling Lois Lane in secret. You know why those people died? BECAUSE SUPERMAN WANTED TO GET LAID. Selfish bastard.

Superman is a racist
In this film, they try to give Superman a more wide-ranging and worldy range of skills. So you see him saving Germans and French people from falling objects and there are news reports from across the globe about his skillz. But you know what you never see? That's right. Superman saving Africans. There are no shots of him drop-kicking man-eating tigers across the Serengheti, or throwing machete-weilding drug-traffickers down the Victoria Falls, or doing any of the awesome stuff that he could do in Africa. And actually, thinking about it, if he's so fucking good why doesn't he try to solve all the environmental problems that the Africans have? Just off the top of my head, I say he could use ice-breath on the sea, create a huge block of ice, then use his super strength to lift said ice into the fields of the farmers. Or he could use his fire-eyes to melt everyone who has AIDS. He's Superman. He can do that. But does he? Does he FUCK. (I don't think we see a single black person being rescued in Superman Returns. In fact, I don't think we see a single black person at all FULL STOP. It's like the whitest film ever.) No African kids get to eat anything, but Lois Lane does get rescued like fifteen times. What would you rather have, Lois Lane, or the entire country of Ethiopia? Thanks to you Superman, you racist gringo, millions of cute black kids are dying. Bastard.



Superman is a Child Molester
Near the end of the film, Superman is in some random coma (?). Lois Lane and her son come and visit him. Now Lois - who is admittedly not bad looking for a whitegirl - bends over him, shows some cleavage, gives him a bit of a smooch, and what does he do? Naff all. He just lies there like a super-vegetable. But the moment after her cute little son (with a nice pink arse and no hair on his balls) runs up and gives him a kiss, well LOOK AT THAT he's straight out of bed and reporting for duty, the dirty bush-badger. And what does he do the moment after recovering from hospital? Does he go save some people? Does he catch Lex Luthor? Does he FUCK he flies right into the bedroom of said sleeping little boy and perves over him. Then he zooms off just as the boy awakens. Well I don't know about you but that screams PAEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEDOPHILIAL SONFUCKER to me.

Thinking about it, Superman would be a really good child molester. Mothers would willingly leave him with their children, then he could just fly off with them and bugger them on top of Mount Rushmore or something. He'd be like Ian Huntley but with powers. That'd be a well good film actually. About a superpowered child-molester and the heros who have to stop him. I think we should get perverted-justice.net involved. They're the only ones with the suffient skillz to put superperve in his place. Hmm.

* * *

So yeah, we can conclude that the character of Superman is total rubbish. But that's not to say that the entire film was unimpressive, the pacing was off, the romantic subplot felt forced, there was a total lack of suspense, mystery or tension, the plot was boring, the characters were stilted, one dimensional and unappealing, and Superman had no personality and just acted as a cypher. All those points are also true.

So in conclusion: Superman Returns is shit. Don't go and see it. I certainly won't watch the sequel. Unless, of course, they do a film version of this lesser-known plotline from one of the classic comic books:



I think I speak for all of us when I say I'd pay good money to see that.

I'm typing this over a 56K internet connection from a hut in the middle of Scotland...

... it's the only place where the Government can't find me. For finally they have discovered my identity and the part I have played in the political uprisings that have plagued this country and literally driven them to their knees. If I hadn't been out spraypainting political messages over the walls of London and buying a new bandanna, they would have snatched me from my bed. As it was, a bunch of sexily armed guards broke into my house in the dark of night. They stole my encrypted disks, bugged my lamps, tapped my phone and buggered my toaster. As soon as I returned home, I knew that something was wrong. So I called my associate The Fox (all us political terrorists have to have cool animal nicknames. For example I am The Crab, because I live in a rockfool and walk sideways waving my arms in the air) and we fled to his commune in Scotland where I have been eating beans and listening to the Dilana cover of 'Lithium' non stop for the past seventeen hours. After snapping and beating The Fox to death with a pint glass full of moonshine, I hooked the Amiga up to an internet connection and logged onto blogspot. Finally it is time to tell my story.

Now I must present my life as a political protester in all its gory details... if you are sensitive to such issues as people uprising from their lowly positions to strike a death-blow into the machine, or the ultimate power of the people against the relentless evil of the government, or the bringing-to-the-knees of every system of control that keeps the UK in thralldom, I advise you to look away, possibly at a less offensive blog. Like this one.

Ok.

Ready?

Last Saturday... I went... TO A PROTEST MARCH!!!!!!!!

omg

Yes it's true. I was amongst the brave souls who marched through London last Saturday and totally ruined Tony Blair's shit. I waved a sign. I chanted the chants. I was PASSIONATE, man. Thinking about it, I dunno what the march was about, really. I think it concerned the Lesbianese people and their quest to get more lube and easily-rippable underwear off the evil Jews. Now I'm not saying 'Evil Jews' in an anti-semitic way, because most of the march was people yelling things about how evil Jewland was. And I'm no sheep, but when a lot of drunk stupid people are yelling biased things about some country they have never visited THEN I TEND TO LISTEN.

I was invited by two people who are apparently really into the whole 'Jews are bad' thing. They kept calling them bad names and waving their fists at the sky in a kind of 'God damn you God for being so mean to the Lesbianese'. They even bought 'Free Palestine' t-shirts, although what that has to do with anything is beyond me. It's all so confusing, man. I'm an attractive magazine proofreader, not a damn political scientist, I need my politics broken down into easily-understood nuggets! Preferebly with clearly cut "Good" and "Bad" guys. From the march I was taught that the "Good" guys are the Lesbianeasy people, any civilians who get accidentally blown up, the Palpastinians, and anybody who went on the protest march. The "Baddies" are a combination of the jews, Bush, Blair, and anybody who doesn't support the Communist party (yeah, the Communists showed up too for some reason).

As this was to be my first protest march, I had a bit of a tough time working out what to wear. Should I rip up a shirt with a pair of crimping scissors to make a smart political point? Should I wear a scarf over my mouth, or a red hankerchief out of my back pocket? Perhaps I should wear shoes without socks. I might end up throwing bricks at the coppas, so should I wear a cricketing helmet and some sturdy gloves? Decisions, decisions. March-buddy Chris had warned me that "It's probably gonna be all Arabs and just us two whiteboys in the middle looking lame", so I carefully put my "Allah is a cunt" t-shirt to one side for another day. Eventually I went with the classic 'Boris' t-shirt. The 'Boris' is blue and has a picture of whizz politician Boris Johnson on the front. And the word "Boris". It's nicely political, but not to the level that could result in me getting strung up by angry arabs in the middle of Picadilly. Boris is like a talking kitten. Whatever racist/moronic/anti-arab stuff he says, you can't help but sigh and go 'Aah', while nodding fondly.

So, wearing my Boris tee, my rebellious BLACK TROUSERS and some trainers, I strolled into the Embankment, fully expecting a huge scrum of rebellious arabs burning flags and shooting guns into the air. It was at this point that I got my first surprise of the day. The majority of people at political protest marches are not cool young rebels with an axe to grind against the current system and a radical way to solve it... they're just a bunch of old lower-middle class white people with nothing better to do than stew in the juices of their own retarded political hypotheses while simultaneously coming up with half-baked plans to overthrow the government of a country that seems perfectly ok to me while growing stupid beards, wearing baggy hawaiian shirts, sock/sandal combinations and OCCASIONALLY WATCHING OLD EPISODES OF THE GOODE LIFE TO REMEMBER THE OLD DAYS. In conclusion:


LAME WHITE PEOPLE

I'm not gonna lie, I was not best impressed. But then I saw this old guy wearing a Che t-shirt with a button on it that said "Bliar". You get it? YOU GET IT? IT'S LIKE BLAIR, BUT WITH "LIAR" IN THE MIDDLE. God that's rich. When I saw this guy, I was convinced that actually they were cool, hip and relevant and I went back to weilding my sign like a crazy person (if you look in the picture, you'll see a selection of the free signs they were giving out willy-nilly. My sign, featured just to the left of the lame white policeman's head, designated Bush as "The World's No.1 Terrorist". It also identified me as a member of the Socialist Workers Party, apparently. GO SOCIALISM!!!1!!)

After a bit of sitting about watching some twattish lame white man from the Respect party bumble about with a loudspeaker, we joined a much larger group of hardcore political protesters who were displaying their fury and refusal to bend to the current authority by talking in angry voices about how angry they were, and standing about politely where the policemen told them to. At this point I should probably mention that the entire event seemed to have been sponsored by a Christmas-Tree Company. Everyone was to be holding the company's logo and waving it about really proudly:



There was even this one guy who'd painted the logo (badly) on a huge piece of cloth and was waving it above his head, almost as though it was a flag of some sort. I was going to go up to him and point out his mistake, but I was pretty sure that he already knew he was a moron and anyway my attention was taken by a bunch of cunt Communists who came up behind us waving a big flag. Not that I had anything in particular against Communism - as you might already be able to tell, politics are not one of my driving passions - but come on, they had a huge flag which was RIGHT BEHIND US and any photographs would make ME look like a damn red. And while I'm at it - Communism? WHY? I mean, you're kind of backing the wrong horse, mate. In fact, the horse you're backing has a broken leg. And has been shot twice in the side by the Strongbow arrows. And was decapitated two years ago via a Final Destination style sheet of glass falling off a crane. And is being ridden by a sumo wrestler made of solid gold.
I was going to go up to the Communists and tell them that their political belief system was shit when one of them gave me some free stickers. I was impressed at their kindness and decided to join their party after all. As for the stickers, I stuck one on the cover of the book I was reading (HP Lovecraft's "At the Mountains of Madness") in such a way that it looked like the sticker had legs and a demonic tail. Tee-hee-hee. I'm such a scamp.


In case you were wondering, the book was RUBBISH so it's ok for me to deface it in such a way. I can't believe you internet geeks like Lovecraft so much he's fucking bollocks. Sloggoth-ctchulthu starfish men my ass.

EVENTUALLY the policemen let the political rave move off and we got to business tearing this country apart at the seams. It was quite relaxing really, many of the crowd were probably over fifty so the pace was fairly slow. The only people shouting were the few arabs who had bothered to show up, and many of their chants were somewhat repetitive:

"Peace on Palestine!" (repeat 200 times... alternating with...)
"Peace on Lebanon!"
"Shame on Bush shame on Blair!" (repeat 200 times... interestingly, the high-rabbi of jewdaisim, Ehud Olmert, didn't get mentioned... bastard)

I joined in with a few of these chants, but then I got embarassed and worried that it was all a huge practical joke and they'd start a chant then all fall silent mid-word and then it'd just be me chanting politically subversive limericks to a hushed London street and them BAM there goes my job at Whitehall. However I did notice that the number of syllables and rhyme structure of "Peace on Lebanon" did lead it to be applicable to a range of other interpretations...

"He's Chris, my name's Tom!" (IT'S TRUE, TOO)
"This march... is-too-long!" (also true)
"Bring back Spiderman!" (I'm not sure where Spiderman had gone but GOD DAMNIT I WAS GONNA MARCH TO BRING HIM BACK.)

It was bare exciting blud. The best bit was when we walked past the US Embassy, and everybody stopped to hiss at the building. Yeah, we really showed that concrete a lesson. I bet the foundatious quivered at all the people making obscene gestures at them. The windows cried themselves to sleep. Even this random dog started barking madly at the building which proves that the entire place is inherently evil. At that point it started raining hard and I got an opportunity to dance about while the rest of the marchers squealed and walked a bit faster to speed up their demonstration. Losers.

Re-reading this, it seems like I have been somewhat irreverant about the whole 'Political marching' thing. It almost seems like I am MOCKING our human right to demonstrate against whatever the government feels like doing. In fact, I get the feeling that I could be making FUN of the pointless selfishness of the egotistical white losers who think that walking about yelling a lot ever has or ever will make the slightest bit of difference to the policies of a country and will benefit the people of Lesbianon. I mean, I COULD be making fun of the tall ginger guy holding a picket board informing us that all George Bush had to do to solve the Middle East Crisis it to make one "f****ing phone call" (yeah, man, censoring cuss words on a political poster... that's rock and roll man), or the middle aged woman with NHS specks who told everyone that "All we have to do is march for 6 days like we did in Portugal and then the government will collapse". Perhaps I could be implying that political marches are an ineffective waste of time, just a way for the self-riteous quasi-political lame white motherfuckers of the world to gratify their backseat-Prime Ministering while having no idea of what's really involved.

But I'm not.

Because political marches are COOL!!!! And I realised that if I ever break up/get dumped with the squaw, I can always just show up to one wearing an obscure tshirt and shmooze a tasty political bird. Of which I saw seven on Saturday. SEVEN TASTY POLITICAL GIRLS. ONE TWO THREE FOUR FIVE SIX SEVEN. Not like I'm counting or anything. But I had to do SOMETHING while my friends were shouting anti-Jew statements and the girlfriend had fucked off to climb a mountain in the Peak District. Fucking D of E award. I'll march against THAT if you want.

So in conclusion: Politics suck and I don't even know why I started typing this. I wasn't even drunk this time. Hmm.

Politics go so good with beer and while we're at it baby, why don't you tell me one of YOUR greatest fears?

I have decided that in order to be a proper blog, to be in line with the true spirit of the ways of the internet, it is necessary that a website must, at some point, fulfill one of the following two important stereotypes:

1: Whinging female blog full of discussion of BOYS and TAMPONS and BRAS and HOW HARD IT IS TO BE A GIRL IN THIS MALE ORIENTED WORLD. And how much parents SUCK.
2: Whining male blog full of discussions about politics and how we could easily solve the world's problems with napalm and common sense. Lots of these male bloggers seem to propose common sense to solve all these problems while simultaneously proposing that we just bomb a few arab cities off the map. Interesting.

So I had to decide which category to fulful in order to make this website a REAL BLOG. And I have decided that it's about time that I solved some political problem. Plus, I already told you all about my itchy vaginal rash, the way that MY BREASTS JUST WON'T GROW AS BIG AS STEPH'S and the fact that MY PERIOD WAS ESPECIALLY HEAVY AND I ACCIDENTALLY BLED ON MY GRANDAD'S HEAD AND THEN HE THOUGHT THAT HE WAS BLEEDING OUT OF HIS EARS AGAIN AND THAT THE BRAIN TUMOR HAD COME BACK. So I will not bore you with my female woes any more and will instead go back to tackling some complicated political issues.

Hmmmmmmmm.

Well the main political issue of the day is, of course, the bombing of Lebanon by those filthy jewish bastards. I'm sorry if you find the previous statement offensive, but really, this blog is called "Chainsaw Zombie", what did you expect? A jewish synagogue website? It's a well known fact that no jewish people ever become zombies, and the very idea of a jewish person using a chainsaw, well, it makes me laugh in a neurotic way!!! No, really, I'm sure that there's gotta be some jewish blood running through my blue eyed blonde haired body, which makes it ok for me to rag on those jews as much as I like. And anyway, the other week I was ragging on the paedophiles and THEY didn't complain. So if you are jewish and offended that I called you dirty and insinuated that you were a bastard, I'm sorry. Ragging ragging ragging. Ragging is a cool word. As cool as Fati. Whatever, let me digress.

Now, I'm no political whizz, but from my listening of the half-hourly newsflashes on X-FM, I'm pretty sure that I've developed a highly sophisticated understanding of the whole jew/lebanese question. Basically, the Jews are pissed at the Lebs for some reason that nobody quite understands. Perhaps the lebs stole the jews' lunch money ten years ago and the jews have never quite forgiven them. Perhaps the lebs made a joke about the promiscuity of jews' mother that the jews just didn't appreciate at the time. Perhaps, I don't know, the lebs broke up with their girlfriend, then sat about for six months and then just as the jews were about to ask the girlfriend out, the lebs broke in and proposed that they get back together, and the jews just had to stand there and act like nothing was wrong while the lebs and the girlfriend made out in Bushy Park for like two hours. Whatever the reason, it stands evident that the jews are annoyed at the lebanese for some anonymous reason, and instead of writing it all up spitefully on some anonymous internet blog or bitching behind their back to Iran, they have decided to bomb the shit out of Lebanon. They don't seem to have an aim, they're just doing it for jokes.

At this point, my reading of internet blogs has told me that it is necessary to insert a negative comment about the the UN, along with some quasi-witty comment about their effectiveness . So here goes: THE UN ARE TEH GHEY!!!!! ALL THEY DO IS WRITE LETTERS!!!1! OMG I SHOULD BE A POLITICAL SATIRIST

I suppose that at this point you are asking why I care so much about this issue. Well you may not be. You may be just a dyslexic guy who thinks he's reading about lawnmowers, or a blind guy who is just wildly hoping that he's managed to stumble across some porn. Whatever - you people don't matter. I'm going to tell you anyway, and not just because it's a good way to fill space in a post that I see going nowhere. It also gives me an opportunity to boast about my sexually attractive qualities. Basically, as the situation stands, my GIRLFRIEND (that's right I have a buff girlfriend to go with my hilariously witty sense of humour I'm basically the best guy in the world and if only somebody would deign to give me a job my life would be complete) is in Cyprus, on holiday. Now, she has promised to be faithful to me and I have welded her knees together in any case. That is not what worries me. What worries me is the fact that CYPRUS IS ONLY A HUNDRED MILES AWAY FROM LEBANON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This is a worry for several reasons, the most important being the fact that people from jewziland are notoriously bad shots, and they could easily just totally miss Lebanon and blow my GIRLFRIEND's nicely proportioned head right off her shouders by accident. I have compiled a theoretical example of what'd happen if such a catastrophe were to take place. NB: My knowledge of Middle-Eastern geography is not my strongest point:



I shudder to think of the effort it'd be to get a new girlfriend if such a thing were to happen, so I feel that it is in everyone's best interests to figure out how to solve this problem as quickly and excitingly as possible. Usually I would advocate a measured system of international relations and treaties and shit, but my detailed research of internet blogs has led me to believe that the correct response is to just blame everything on George Bush:


This picture is filled with metaphors.

It's all Bush's fault that all the Arabs keep having bitchy little fights with each other. Him and his oil. I bet that Bush has a huge lake made out of oil in his back garden. Because that's what he does. He hoards all the oil for himself. That's why he is so pro-oil. Because he is the only person who uses it. The rest of America - oh no, they don't touch the stuff. The ONLY reason that Bush likes oil so much is that he likes to strip naked and dance about in it. That's it. Not the selfish American dependence on the car. Oh no. Just the naked oil-dancing. Occasionally he invites his two semi-buff daughers to strip down to their lingerie and wrestle in oily jelly for the entertainment of the rest of Congress. BASTARD.
And of course, the reason that Bush is so pro-oil is somehow linked to the evil jews who live in Washington and control him via a complicated system of pulleys and levers that they secretly attach intricately into his back. You know why you never see George Bush's back while he's making a speech? Because his back is filled with wires and string that are manipulated expertly by a tiny little jewish puppeteer who sits in the back of Bush's left knee. This explains why the rostrum behind which Bush speaks always has armour coating on the left side. It also explains why America is so pro-Israel. Puppets. Fucking puppets.

I have no idea what I'm talking about. I really have no clue. So I had better conclude soon before anybody realises that I'm an absolute fraud. To be honest, my basic plan is that we build a huge mousetrap in the middle of America. But instead of cheese, we fill it with jew gold and money. Then all the jews will come and try to steal the money from the mousetrap, which is when we set it off, thus dropping a huge net over their heads. But instead of rope, it will be a net made out of HAM. That oughta stop those pesky semites. Then, while they are busy oy-oying and speaking their funny talk, we can unplug George Bush and persuade him to nuke the entire Middle East off the map. After that, I suspect that everything else will work itself out quite nicely. But if he's going to nuke em, at least he should wait until my girlfriend and her parents have been safely transported out of Cyprus. Then, yeah, go wild.

So in conclusion: Politics suck and I don't even know why I started typing this. I might have been drunk. Hmm.