And a good-morning bow-wow to you gentlemen

I have been getting a lot of - I belive the technical term for it is "Spam" - in my - I believe the technical term for it is "E-Mail" - depositary box. The majority of these "Spam" "E-Mails" have been from people whom I do not know selling me things that I do not wish to own. Well, I suppose that I would like to own a very long penis or an imitation gold Rolex, but I feel that if I was in any mood to purchase those things I would go to a licensed retailer or surgeon. I would most certainly not requisition them from my dear friends 'Deniz Brinn' or 'Thibult Greir', no matter how quaint and unusual their names might be.

However, in recent days I have started receiving "E-Mails" from fellows who, instead of filling my inbox with a series of photographs of naked young girls or strings of random digits, send me a fragment of a short story, accompanied by the following image:



This image appears to be offering me a series of narcotics for what I can only assume are bargain, bargain, knock down prices. However, the short-story fragments often have very little to do with the cheap, cheap, bargain knock-down priced pills and in fact seem to be - I hesitate to make value judgements on the writing of people whom I do not know - the ramblings of a mental. Or possibly a retard. Or possible one of those little primeval dwarf fellows I saw on that television program the other day. Funny little fellows; I would like to own one and then sell him on "E-Bay", but the joke would be that I would sell him inside a wooden box without the buyer knowing that he was inside and then suddenly he would open the box and BAM a little dwarf fellow would hop out. That would personally make me laugh, I do not know about you.

Perhaps I am being too harsh; perhaps these short stories are being taken out of context. Maybe they make perfect sense, if only one had the end of each line (I think that the ends of the lines have been cut off). I do not know, I will see what you think. Here are a few examples of "E-Mail" Short stories that I have received in the past few days:

Title: re: Toolroo
From: Beatrice Perry
To be frank this was a kind of a low point, made even lower when the
Always good to meet a true fan. We all bowed now since this was not
microseconds before the explosion that destroyed the equipment I was
of Liokukae will not be surprised at all when you arrive there.
what? Im betting on women. Either that or an awful lot of cloning is
was. And now I know who you are.
I did not drop as instructed because I was possessed by a
once again by the lake.
And a good-morning bow-wow to you gentlemen. Your new friend has
A group of armed men has emerged from some kind of opening in the

Do you see what I mean when I say 'Stories'. There definitely appears to be something exciting going on in this tale. Armed men. Equipment being destroyed by explosions. Cloning. Lionkukae, who I assume is either a wise old man or some form of very disgusting bestiality-related African pornography. Being possessed by a lake. Quite how a lake - which is only water and possible a bit of mud at the bottom - has the abilities to possess somebody is not explained in this story, but in the small fragment that I have read here, I would certainly like to know more. I would also like to know what "toolroo" means, as it is possibly the best word I have ever heard. I am also going to greet everybody I come into contact with tomorrow with the words "And a good-morning bow-bow to you, gentlemen!". They will be confused but I will laugh inside because I will be the only one who understands the reference!

Title: My weatherin
From: Shazi Culley
planet was hip-deep in TV sets?
from your records in the future. But I will cease my mind reading now.
these dreadful compositions yet another time. He plugged in the cubes
Well how do you think I got these electronic eyeballs? It will be
tachyons-or we reach the north pole and freeze to death.
Hold him! Svinjar shouted and I was grabbed tightly, struggled to
same time. If you cant think of anything else to do crook your arm
to existence in this world-wide spittoon.
artifact of possible interest.
jawbone.
No big loss, Floyd muttered. Steengo nodded.

It is actually painful. I would love to know what is going on. Nothing would please me more than to find out where he got the electronic eyeballs, or the meaning of the phrase 'world-wide spittoon', or the relevance of the word "Jawbone", or the back stories of the characters Svinjar, Floyd and Steengo. That is such a joy to type and say. Svinjar, Floyd and Steengo. It kills me that this is a mystery that I will never, ever be able to solve. I will lie awake at night wondering whether our heroes managed to do something involving tachyons, or froze to death at the North Pole.
What is especially annoying about these stories is that none of the lines seem to make any sense or relate to each other in any way. Then at least I could imagine that the viagra people just copied chunks of a sci-fi novel and pasted them into their "E-Mails". But no. For all I know they could be simply lines written by a computer somewhere. I simply do not know. Alright, here is one more:

Title: To Evette
From: Kelly Bainbridge
her, hands out and ready to strike.
purely male. Just think about it. I am not making a value judgment,
dark pond. There he dipped the bucket into the water and hurled its
level. Remains of an optical finder there. Note the four automatic
Seems obvious, Madonette said undoubtedly miffed by my surly
Keep on going round the galaxy-no place is home
resisting my movement, growing firm, then more solid until it was like
treatments?
slumworld. Think quickly, Jim, before things get any worse.
financially overburdened academics can afford it and not even notice

I would like to cry. I am one of those people who is fascinated and repelled by unsolvable mysteries. I would love - absolutely love - to know the origins of these stories. I would love to trace them backwards, through the infinite and glowing strands of cyberspace. I would love to surf on the untouchable series of zeroes and ones that flow backwards through the copper wires and strands of my internet connection, into the huge, infinitely quantum recesses of the blackness of the internet. There I will glide to the very top, survey the dark pit of cyberspace, a vast mass of twirling strands and interconnecting ribbons, before plunging back, following the lines of Madonette and the financially overburdened academics, back in time and space and reality to the computer screen where, at some point in the history of time, somebody has sat down and pressed a series of buttons on a keyboard to form the sentence "Think quickly, Jim, before things get any worse". I would love to do that. I would love to find the writers of these stories and ask them if they know that fragments of them are being used to accompany viagra adverts. I would love to know how the viagra sellers came to the conclusion that the best way to sell their product was to copy half a sentence from these stories. I would love to know the answers to all of these questions, and yet, I doubt that I will ever know. It will be a mystery forever unsolved. I am crushed. My soul have been ripped asunder by the craftiness of the viagra merchants.

But on the other hand: Miffed.

What a word.

Wait. I just realised that perhaps there will be an explanation of some sort if I actually follow the link onto the viagra website. Perhaps the point of those stories was to intrigue you enough to buy some viagra. Cover me, I am going in. Well that was not very good, I typed the adress in and it did not even open! The website does not even exist! This has only served the deepen the mystery of The Viagra Stories. Oh well I am bored of this topic now I will go and buy myself a new Rolex.

Today's really clever and really hard Craptic Crossword Clue:
Shout an expression of pain, coward! (6)

It did snow today

Yes I am aware that I have blogged about the snow in an excited manner without fail for the past three years. However snow is an exciting event and I am sure that I can put a 'cool' (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) spin on events. Anyway the snow is what I am going to blog about today - not the advanced state of exhaustion that I am in, not the unfortunate plight of bottle-faced pig-woman Jade Goody, not the email that I just received from my dear friend Peregrine Cohen offering me cut-price Viagra along with the enigmatic message "rmo from him. He never saw the artifact. It must have been taken by". Although that would be an interesting thing to blog about. I wonder what that means? What artifact? Why did he not see it? I feel that there is more to this than meets the eye.

However, forget about that as today I am going to blog about the sight that did meet my eye when I woke up this morning. Yes it was snow! The roads and the floors and the trees and the streets were all covered in snow! It was exciting and I had a good mind to dance about in the snow. However I did not as I am a sensible young man and I know that such behaviour is foolish. In many ways I have grown up and become much more mature in the past year. However in others (most of the ways) I am still essentially a three year old, and thus the fact that the floor is covered with lots of white frozen water is still enough to send me into paroxyms of joy. I do love snow - there is something about it that makes me giggle. If there was a machine to generate real snow - perhaps in the freezer - then I would definitely buy one and if it turned out to be good I would probably buy two so that I could have twice as much snow as everyone else. I have no idea how such an invention would work, though, as snow is formed of millions of tiny snowflakes that are all different. Perhaps some sort of ice-cube tray but with really small snowflake-sized indentations? I do not know and that is why I am not a scientist. I am an ideas man.

Anyway today was different from all the other snow days as today I had to drive to school in my car, and as we know, driving in snow is the most dangerous thing in the world to do. Many thousands of people are killed every year in snow-related accidents (for example, their cars skidding off roads and exploding or sliding off of flyovers and crashing into planes and exploding or pulling into parking spaces but then colliding into carelessly-constructed snowmen and exploding). Therefore I decided that I would be a really careful driver and, after chasing my dogs around in the garden a few times and then feeding them handfuls of snow (silly animals they thought that the snow was food! How amusing I made them eat about four snowballs each and they didn't even realise they could just eat the snow off the floor!), I carefully eased the car out of our house.

Luckily there was no crashing into snowmen and I got into school fairly successfuly; however there was a big traffic jam (probably due to the snow which I think I have mentioned at some point in this post so far) and I missed the pre-school snowball fight. Let me explain: my school has some huge fields at the back and every time it snows, we all descend down upon them to hurl snow at each other to our hearts' content. Unfortunately I missed the first happening of this which was a bit frustrating, however, I had a free period on lesson three (which handily precedes morning break or as it is known in America, "Recess"). Therefore I had a good forty minutes to mess about on the field with a few lucky chums before the rest of the school - all the little ones - appeared and ruined the fun. So yes I did have some jokes on the field. I threw some balls and I actually hit a few people on the head from a not-inconsiderate distance! I was very proud and I promptly gave myself the nickname of "Sniper Fox" as I am slinky like a fox but I can also hit people in the head with projectiles from a long distance away, like a sniper. This is thus a simile and not a metaphor.

However at some point during the aforementioned fun on the field, disaster struck and my portable telephone slipped out of my pocket and was lost on the ground without me noticing! How worrisome, especially as our field is huge. But as I have no short-term memory whatsoever, I thought to myself "Perhaps I have left it in my bag, or my jacket, or my car" and all three items were in different places. For some reason I did not think to bring these three things together but instead visited each in turn about three times as I kept thinking to myself 'Perhaps I forgot to check the car properly or something'. It was frustrating, but eventually I decided that I had indeed dropped my phone on the field, so I set about scouring the field to find it. This was not successful and I was starting to rue the day that I had chosen to meddle with the snow.
However I did find a wallet lying in the snow. I picked it up and checked the bus pass inside and it belonged to a brown person with a silly name. I was confused so I turned to the nearest brown person and asked him if he knew the brown person on the bus-pass, as it it my theory that all brown people are connected by some sort of psychic bond which would explain that red dot that you see on the heads of some brown people. I am not racist I have to confirm as I did not even call the brown person 'Sanjay' without asking his name first. Unfortunately the second brown person did not know the first brown person so I decided to walk to the edge of the field and leave the wallet on the bench for safekeeping. Already on the bench was a pair of spectacles that somebody had placed there for somebody else to find, and this set off bells in my mind. Perhaps, just perhaps, somebody had come across my phone and left it on another bench next to the field! So I walked along the edge of the field to the next bench and what do you know my phone was actually there! I knew it was my phone because the wallpaper on the front screen was a picture of my water-bottle and to be honest who else is likely to have that as their screen-saver? So I was happy and I decided to re-join the snowball fight which at this point was a huge meleé as the rest of the school - all 900 of them - had come out of lessons.

The snowball fight was quite violent today. Usually all of our energies have been directed at the poor-people scum school next door and we end up having a huge war with them over the fence and then somebody from our school ends up getting stabbed or something but this year the teachers had planned ahead for this possibility and had roped off the bit of the field near to their fence which was good. However it also meant that we had to direct our energies inwards upon each other.

Because of the phone debacle I was unable to locate my comrades amongst the blur of flying snowballs and dodging bodies so I decided to go it alone. Being the big strong man I am I chose to hurl a load of snow at a tiny wee bespectacled member of the 1st year who appeared to be standing by himself. I actually hit him! It was really good however he turned round and saw me and I realised that he was with about six of his friends and he said "Hey get the boy in the pink shirt" (this was me I was wearing a pink shirt). Unfortunately when it comes to snowball fights, your age and relative strength does not matter when compared to the massed forces of a load of 11 year olds and to be honest it was a slaughtering. It was like a prequel to that poem Ozymandias except instead of a huge statue (representing the arrogance of man) being destroyed by the march of time and civilisation it was me having loads of snow thrown at my head. Oh it was horrible there was snow everywhere it was not meant to be. I kind of ran in circles around them hollering as they all threw snow at me, then I ran away. Then I half heartedly threw some more snow at them and they chased me and I just fled for my life.

It was good.

Today's Craptic Crossword Clue:
Points around a circle bring winter fun (4)

I am so sorry

I have not blogged for many hours. Or days. I am sorry for this. However I have an excuse which is that I am exhausted. However I will have to continue to break your collective hearts by not blogging today either. Tomorrow, perhaps. Or the day after. Or who knows? How exciting.

However, to tide you over in the meantime I have created a fifteen-panel cartoon featuring Emo-boy and Tie-man and Maddox and Ian Huntley and all of our favourite cartoon chracters and I have uploaded it for your viewing discresction I cannot spell that word. Enjoy it:


Oh wait I forgot to draw it. I think that this means that you are even more disappointed than you would have been had I not mentioned it at all.

Ta-dah!

Today's Made-Up-On-The-Spot Craptic Crossword Clue:
Spin a hobbit for attraction (5-2-5)