Strange but true; you could set fire to my hair, tear up my artwork, drop-kick my dog, screw my mother, tell me that Shaun of the Dead is rubbish, play loud classical music at me til the early hours of the morning, set fire to my hair, be Kilroy, wax my legs with gaffa tape, pour hot coffee on my penis, set fire to my hair, invent annyoing new corporate logos, repeat yourself, tell me that "More than a feeling" by Boston doesn't have the best damn air guitar moment ever, replace my carpet with barbed wire, used needles and lava, use scissors on my tongue, force feed me broken glass, self cut yourself, AND set fire to my hair, and I STILL wouldn't be as annoyed as I am when I see boys sucking up to girls. In fact, if you managed to do all of the above simultaneously, man, I'd be damn impressed.
But... argh. It... is... just... so... annoying. It seems that, as soon as girls are around, my entire fanbase (I don't call them friends, they're just people who cling to me, desperately trying to leech off my vital life energy and vitality) turns into a bunch of lame suckup wusses. In fact, I've invented a new name for this particular category of wuss: Man Slave. Actually, that's not entirely true. There's this hardcore section of Man Slaves that are wussy suck ups even when girls aren't around; they're wussy suck ups just in case the girl in question is hiding somewhere in the room. This means that they throw random comments about the no-tail in question into the air, capriciously compliment them obscenely and, occasionally, just say their names. You know, just in case they forget them them.
There is a difference between being chivalrous, and being an insult to mankind. It's a fine line, but an important one, and I think that it's a line that many of the menfolk in my class have yet to grasp.
For example, opening a door for your female chum is: Chivalrous.
Killing a dragon that's attempting to eat your ladyfriend: Chivalrous.
Saving your woman from Spanish pirates: Chivalrous, as long as she's asked you to.
Cycling for an hour to deliver a maths sheet to a girl that you've only been talking to on MSN for FIVE DAYS: Not chivalrous, creepy. Yes, Paul, I know all about that, and it does rival your Shakespeare quoting for creepy suckupitude.
I just remembered... didn't I do a post along these lines a few months ago? Oh yeah: http://chainsawzombie.blogspot.com/2005/01/why-is-everyone-such-suckup.html#comments. The title gives it all away, and if you want to go read it, you can fucking copy and paste it because I can't be arsed to look up the HTML code to do links. Read that, then add the information found in that to the information found in this, then this is a proper blog post. Sweet, man.
But come on. You don't need to follow these damn females around all day. They're not SUDDENLY going to sleep with someone else if you happen to not follow them slavishly to the park one day. For example: I was invited to Cassie's house today. Why didn't I go? Because I couldn't be arsed. And I know that Cassie isn't going to suddenly sleep with someone else. Well I also know that Cassie isn't suddenly going to sleep with me. She probably couldn't sleep with anyone else, even if she had the urge. BUT... this wasn't a good metaphor. BUT WHY WOULD YOU CYCLE FOR AN HOUR TO GIVE SOMEONE A MATHS SHEET? I can't think of any reason why someone would want to do that, except for the sole purpose of having sex with the girl in question. But why would anybody want to screw Lucia?
Hahaha... sorry babe.
WHY?
WHY IS EVERY MALE I KNOW SUCH A SUCK UP? WHY? WHY?
MANSLAVES.
If you don't know whether you're a man slave or not, here are some simple questions:
1: Do you bring up the female in question randomly in the conversation for no reason whatsoever, eg:
Me: How did you find the maths paper? I couldn't do question two.
Joe: Kris's name is Kris.
2: Do you text the female in question every six questions, often to ask them what lesson they're in and that the chair you are sitting on is quite hard?
3: Is your name/nickname Manny McSlave, Mr Slave, Manuel Slave, Slave-Man, Manslave.com, The ManSlavester, or *insert girlfriend's name*'s bitch?
4: Have you ever done something totally pointless for your girl that takes loads of time that results in every dumb female in the world saying 'aww, he's so sweet!' and every smart female in the world saying 'what a fucking dipshit'?
5: Ever had a screen name on msn that's blatantly complimentary of the girl in question, or, indeed, a display picture showing off the female's FACE?
6: Just to repeat some profanity, are you a total fucking dipshit?
7: Ever given the girl in question a present for no reason? When I say 'present', I do include 'maths sheet'.
8: Have you ever put in any more than the minimum amount of effort to see this girl? And when I say 'minimum effort', I mean 'lying in bed and hoping that they'll come to visit you'.
9: Have you made up a nickname for this girl for no reason, that they haven't pre-approved?
10: Seriously, are you a total fucking dipshit? I mean, honestly?
If your answer to any of the above is 'yes', then you are probably a man slave. Print off the following picture and nail-gun it to your forehead, facing inwards so you can see it wherever you go:
For every additional 'yes' response, add another nail. Just to make sure it's on securely.
And I think that I may have stumbled across the reason why I don't have a girlfriend.
