Hurricane Katrina
For those of you who don't know, Hurricane Katrina is like this really big hurricane that's like destroying some town in America. Everyone* is bitching about it a lot and everyone** is acting like it's 9/11 times A THOUSAND, despite the fact that so far only 135 people have died, which works out as about 0.0009 per cent of the total casualties of the Asian tsunami. So to be honest, I think everyone should stop whinging. I mean, the other day it rained and my tshirt got wet, and do you see ME acting like a woman? NO. I just marched up there and kicked the shit out of that raincloud until it cried and promised to leave the sky and never come back. Then I kicked it some more until it sailed off and ruined some guy's wedding.
But I have to say, I'll be praying for the dear departed people caught in this terrible hurricane Katrina. And I reckon everyone should stop going on about how the media have sensationalised it. LEAVE THE MEDIA ALONE. To be honest, I think that the media haven't sensationalised this ENOUGH. I mean, they're still calling it Hurricane Katrina, right? Personally, I don't think that Katrina is an evil enough name for such a TERRIBLE NATURAL DISASTER. It should have been named Hurricane Adolf or, like, Hurricane Jack the Ripper. Of course, if I had my way, it would really have been named Hurricane That guy from La Femme Nikita played by Jean Reno who just randomly shot all those security guards just for the hell of it, but that's just me, and I rule.
Of course, when I say I'll be praying for them, I really mean I'll be watching the entire thing on the internet from the safety of my little house here in Swaziland and laughing merrily as the disasters pile up. The last I heard, the prisoners had rioted and were holding a deputy and his family hostage in the state prison. You know what that says to me? Hollywood film. Actually I think that they already made a film in which a bunch of robbers attack a town during a hurricane and have lots of exciting gunfights***. No, wait, that was GHANDI. OH MY GOD I'M SO FUNNY. LOOK AT ME I MADE A GHANDI JOKE. I SHOULD WRITE FOR LENO. A HA HA. FUCKING HELL I'M GOOD. GHANDI. YOU KNOW I WRITE ALL MY OWN MATERIAL. WOOAH.
Also, apparently a levee**** has burst and 80% of the town is under water. Everyone's acting all surprised. WELL WHAT DO YOU FUCKING EXPECT YOU DIPSHITS, YOU BUILT YOUR TOWN IN A BIG FUCKING BOWL UNDER SEA LEVEL. WHAT DID YOU THINK WAS GONNA HAPPEN? Didn't they read that bible story about that guy who built his house on the beach, and then the other guy who built his house on the rocks, but the rocks were below sea level so he built a crappy levee to keep the sea out but then the levee burst and his house washed away and he ran around looting before being shot by the police? I think it was in the book of, uh, Nehemiah, in, whatsis, Chapter 4, uh, Verse 3*****.
Basically, all you guys are fucked. Welcome to the Pleasuredome. Here's a picture of the poor fucks who built their houses next to the levee:
Poor guys. Their houses are screwed, all their possessions gone, and FINALLY THEIR STUPIDITY HAS CAUGHT UP WITH THEM. But looking at this picture, I've been given an idea. An idea to help these people. An idea to aid the reconstruction of New Orleans in the only way I know how... TETRIS!
Wow, man. See kids, even natural disasters have a funny side!
Other possible problems faced by the poor morons of New Orleans: alligators, floating fire ants, electric cables, and the fact that they BURIED ALL THEIR DEAD IN ABOVE GROUND MAUSOLEUMS SO THERE ARE A BUNCH OF FUCKING DEAD BODIES FLOATING ABOUT^... you lot are dipshits.
And talking of major national occurences, tis my birthday tomorrow. Yes, you may line up for fellatio duties, I'll be here ALL week.
Now listening to: "New Orleans is Sinking" by Tragically Hip
*In America
**In America
***There is no footnote to go here. I'm only putting this in because it annoys Abi, who dislikes asterixes.
****It's like a dam, except with a stupid name
*****"Now, Tobiah the Ammonite was by him, and he said, Even that which they build, if a fox go up, he shall even break down their stone wall." Riiiiight. I think I might do a Bible Sunday verse each week, in which I look up random verses from the bible and mock them online. Because that's some edgy religious humour, RIGHT there.
^This may help with the whole 'keeping the alligators fed' problem, though.
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