The last lot of bombings were especially good because then you have all the fun of the terrorist bombings but none of that annoying guilty feeling you get from enjoying people dieing. And then they caught all four mofos which gave me an oppurtunity to yell OH RINSED RINSED YOU GOT RAPED YOU'RE GONNA GET TORTURED at the TV screen. Which is always good. If you're me. So yeah, terrorists, can you give me some more failed bombings already? The number one rule of showbiz is give the people what they want, and as terrorism is kinda like ultra-exciting reality tv, it makes sense that you give the person (me) what he wants. I mean, it's not like it's gonna scare me off using the tube/going to London. I don't use the Tube anyway. I have a bike. Start blowing up bike lanes and then I'll be scared. Actually, I'll only be scared if you start blowing up bike lanes when I'm specifically cycling on them.
Well, I guess there was that plane crash yesterday. It was a French plane. There was a storm. The plane skidded and crashed off the runway. Then it got hit by lightning. Then it caught fire. Then exploded. Perhaps God is trying to tell the french something? But nobody died. Well, that's the French, they can't even CRASH A FUCKING PLANE INTO THE GROUND SUCCESSFULLY. I mean, it's not hard, you just point the joystick or whatever at the ground and hold it there until the plane crashes into it. Ergo: explosion, death, hilarity. A retard could do it. But NO. Nobody died. Dipshits. Therefore, doesn't count as big news in England. Fark.com was raving about it, but I don't care. Perhaps I shouldn't rely on Fark.com for all my technical news details about plane crashes.
BUT WAIT. THERE IS ONE POTENTIAL DISASTER ON THE HORIZON. A nice explodey one that can't be blamed on terrorists, therefore ignores lots of boring political arguing:
The Discovery Mission (Hopefully in the future to be known as "The Discovery Disaster")
From all the top secret data that I've managed to hack from the internet (yes, that's right, I am a hacker. I'm so full of teenage hacking angst; I listen to Linkin Park and have a black tshirt with a skull on it), I have computer-coded a highly realistic prediction of how the Discovery Shuttle (it's in space, you know) will re-enter the atmosphere and how the huge fucking hole in the bottom of it is gonna react to the shift in atmosphere:
KABOOM! Notice the long streak of fire below as the guy trying to fix the hole plummets to an exciting and splattery deaths. Those six yellow sparks surrounding the blast- they're the other astronauts. Losers. Well, at least they're gonna go out with a bang. Lucky sods. And if you look at a picture of the astronauts, you'll notice that they're all old looking. So, to be honest, no MASSIVE loss there.
Apparently the big motherfucking hole in the bottom of the spaceship was caused when it had a head-on collision with a bird (my source of information: Fark.com. I wouldn't trust me). A BIRD. How retarded is that? I mean, if you're gonna make a spaceship with the ability to blast through the atmosphere and enter the chilly wastelands of space, you at least make it bird-proof. And this wasn't even a deep-frozen chicken. It was a warm fleshy bird. Soft and splattable. I assume. I don't know, perhaps there were some deep frozen birds up in the air above NASA space-land. But who knows? That's such a moronic thing to die from; an accidental collision with a defrosted bird. Unless of course it wasn't an accident.
Perhaps it was... SABOTAGE. Is that how you spell it? I don't know/care.
But if it was deliberate, I think we know who's really to blame:
WOODY FUCKING WOODPECKER. YOU'VE KILLED NASA. ARE YOU HAPPY NOW, WOODY, YOU FUCKING BIRD? I bet he is. I bet he's sitting in his penthouse somewhere with a bunch of beautiful women (who all look like Jessica Rabbit... woah mama) drinking martinis and cackling nastily at his destruction of the American Space Program. He probably has stock tied up with the russians or something. That's the only way somebody would do something this evil. Money. Damn you, woodpecker, you twat. Go back to cartoons. Or, even better, die.
I hope the shuttle crashes into your head. I bet all your fellow cartoon friends would FLOCK TO YOUR FUNERAL. Because everyone LOVES Woody Woodpecker. You're SO BLOODY POPULAR WITH YOUR HILARIOUS SHOW. NOT. Rinsed. You're like Tom and Jerry Kids or that spinoff from Popeye with his son; crappy, crappy television. I mean, even that tv show about the FOOTBALL TEAM is better than you. On the other hand, I have yet to watch Woody Woodpecker drunk. I dunno, perhaps that'll make it magically hilarious. It worked for Dawn of the Dead, but that film's pretty funny anyway. Basically, Woody Woodpecker sucks.
Where was I? Oh yeah, blow up some shops already, you terrorists. Especially that Marks and Spencers in Kingston that doesn't have my suit size. You don't make size 36 moderate size suits, eh? My ass. Jerks.
And no, it's not time to go back to school yet, so stop putting up posters everywhere telling me that, you cunts.
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