Anyway, the film that I'm going to be gracing with my skillz is called Bloody Chocolate. Or Blood of the Chocolate or Chocolate Blood or something. The title was apparently a Steppenwolf quote. I dunno why you'd want to name a film after a heavy metal rock band but hey, I'm not a director, for some reason. It sounds like a violent sequel to Willy Wonka but then that's just me, and I don't count. In fact, this film is about WEREWOLVES! Woooooo... werewolves. Well at least with werewolf films you know that you're getting the seal of quality. I mean, An American Werewolf in Paris, Underworld, Van Helsing... there's just lines upon lines of classic werewolf action going down through cinema history. This film should be an instant classic with its univeral themes of, uh, turning into a wolf and, you know, killing other wolves and, turning back into a human and being naked and having to find your clothes again.
But anyway.
The film features global MEGASTARS Olivier Martinez, famous for his roles in hit movies S.W.A.T and La Femme de chambre du Titanic, and some other blonde chick who was in four episodes of 24 season 3 (the crappy one with the crafty mexicans). But reading through her resume... she was also apparently in urban classic 'Murder by Numbers', or, as its more commonly known by its cult legion of rabid followers, Murd3r 8y Num8ers. 83cau23 num83rs ar3 lik3 20 much c0012r than 13tt3r2. Also, did you know that Olivier Martinez is going out with pop megagodess KYIE MANOG? ITS TRUE. KYLIE MANOG. WOAH. Star quality there.
Why am I mocking this film? I'm the one working on it. And it's still damn cooler work experiance than anything else. Hey, if I'm lucky, I'll be able to meet my personal hero, female director Katja von Garnier. Yes, you heard me, female director Katja von Garnier. No, she wasn't the shampoo lady (although the shampoo lady is another of my heroes)... did you know that female director Katja von Garnier studied at the Academy for Television and Film (HFF) in Munich. YES IN MUNICH. And given the universal popularity of the Munich film scene nowadays... woah. She also dated hollywood hunk BRAD PITT:
I like how Brad has stayed true to his ethnic roots
But yeah. Here's a list of everything I know, or can comfortably pretend to know, about Romania:
There are lots of forests. These forests are full of pine trees and snow. And werewolves.
Men in fur jackets walk about talking in outrageous accents and hunting elk.
Every other person is either a werewolf or a vampire. So logically that means that 50% of the population are werewolves, and 50% vampires.
Apparently all the girls are fit and have big eyes. Unfortunately I'm no longer allowed to look at them or somebody will take a penis cleaver to me. Ouch.
Contains the fabled land of Transylvania.
There will probably be a lot of goths wandering around Transylvania trying to meet Dracula. Stupid cunts.
There are lots of gypsies there. In fact, the entire population of Romania is gypsies. Go onto the Romanian Motorway and you'll just see rows of horse-drawn carts driven by men with big hats.
Everybody dances about clicking their heels and throwing massive skirts everywhere.
Don't piss off anybody or you will end up getting cursed.
MEGASTAR OLIVIER MARTINEZ WILL BE THERE AND OMG OMG OMG HE MIGHT EVEN SAY HELLO TO ME OMG!
Apparently phones over there are like 23 times more expensive over here. So unless you have something deadly important to tell me (you're pregnant, you're mum's pregnant, Joe's finally nailed Emma, Steve finally shed her second skin, cat's dead, dog's dead, space shuttle exploded*, something exciting has happened) or your name's Lucia, no, you may not phone/text me with whatever random shit pops into your noggin. Piss off.
They don't have normal tv there. Just gypsy tv, which consists of a lot of clapping and folk music.
And now I conclude this post with a quote from my grandfather:
So, what are you doing on this film? I guess you'll be directing. 'I want to sit in the directors chair'. Or perhaps they'll give you a small part. You know, as an actor. Of course, you have to do whatever they tell you. If Johnny Depp asks you to wipe his nose, you gotta do it. Or they might give you a big pile of dresses and say 'Iron these dresses.' And you'll have to iron them. Then we're watching the film and all these women come on with big burn marks on their dresses.
For this touching display of confidence in my abilities, and for the fact that he thought that Olivier Martinez was
a: A woman,
b: Therefore not important enough for me to have to blow his/her nose,
He has earnt my universal love and respect. Kinda makes me sad that he'll be dead in a few years and we'll be plundering his body for vital organs and nutrients.
*I was actually disappointed that the shuttle didn't vaporise. I thought that it'd be cool. I like spectacle, sue me. Do you know that they found a smouldering penis in a tree after the Columbia Disaster? The police said it was a Shuttle Cock. Zing, I'm on FIRE tonight. Like the astronauts should have been. Woah mamma.
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