My Review of the Romanians

Seeing as I've been here a week now, and owing to the MOMENTOUS importance of today, I've decided to do a review of the various romanians that I have met on my adventures. Which were very adventurous.

Danny
Danny is my father's driver. His job is to pick up my father and I from the appartment at 730 in the morning, then drive us home again at 8 at night. Danny also drives us to lunch. In the afternoon. I feel that my father somewhat takes advantage of the services offered by Danny, by using him as a tour guide, laundry service, shopping assistant and even to take the rest of the family on outings. Danny doesn't mind; Danny is far too nice to refuse to push the shopping trolley and find the sugar for us.
TODAY IS DANNY'S BIRTHDAY! This is why today is so highly momentous. We know that today is his birthday because he joyously told us last night. He is a very tasty 24 years old. To celebrate, we gave him some money, a Werther's Original, a packet of chewing gum and a really crappily made card with several crude doodles of Danny turning into a milk carton. Danny was so chuffed with this present, he didn't even mind that we made him wait in the car for 45 minutes while we visited a chocolate shop. It really warmed my heart.
Other Danny knowledge: He gives us the weather every day. It's invariably 'a leettle bit rainy' or 'nice'. He has nice big eyebrows. It's cheaper to rent a Dannywithcar than to rent a car; so Danny actually has MINUS value. He doesn't like listening to the world sevice. In his four years of driving, he hasn't had any major accidents. However he once crashed into a lamp-post while reversing, because it was snowy and he couldn't see it (he told us this really proudly). He looks tiny in comparison to the rest of his car. He gets paid ten dollars a day. He also apparently has a degree in micro-biotics or something, which probably says a lot about the state of the economy in Romania.
WE LOVE DANNY.

Beardy guy
I don't know this guy's name (its Bilbo or Mildo or Dildo or something) but I dislike him. He just looks sinister. He has all the attributes of sinister people:
Beard
Sinister eyes
Shifty lookin'self
Tall and thin - all thin people are sinister and I generally don't like anybody who's taller than I am... wankers
Talks Romanian
Stupid name
He sits there at the table and looks around shiftily. He's always glaring at me, as though my pure 100 percent undiluted HOTNESS is offensive to his evil lifestyle. He often talks in Romanian while looking at me then bursts into evil laughter. HE LOOKS LIKE LUCIFER. He has the beard (which is an EXACT Lucifer beard). He has the shifty eyes. He smokes, so very often smoke is coming out of his nose. So basically, paint him red, give him a tail and a pitchfork and BAM. Satan.
He once told me that he liked my T-Shirt. This made me distrust him more.

Dog
This random puppy oftens comes into the building and runs about excitedly. It looks sort of like a really shit version of the Andrex puppy. In our efforts to ensure that less random stray animals come into the building, we've been feeding him bowls of milk, running around with him, stroking him and generally encouraging him in every possible way.
This dog does not like Beardy Man; it barks at him. This is more proof to my whole 'Beardy Man is Satan' theory. After barking at Beardy Man he started barking at me, so I threw a bit of polystyrene at him to shut him up.

Squirrel Lady
Everybody calls her 'VV', which apparently is romanian for squirrel. This seemed a bit harsh at first, but then I looked closely at her and realised that she does indeed resemble a squirrel (they have a lot of red squirrels in Romania, which are just like the grey variety except for the fact that they're easier to spot against the tree branches, and so easier to blast down with your handy catapault). Her job seems to be to do whatever everybody else tells her to. That meant that they kept her barred in the model room to carve bits of foam board or make polystyrene stairs or whatever the fuck they didn't wanna do. Fortunately, as soon as I entered the scene, that job fell to ME. Wooooooooooooooooo, oooo. Ooo.
Squirrel lady is very nice but she does tend to be a bit patronising when telling me how to cut up cardboard squares (1.4cm by 1.4 cm) which means that sometimes I feel like dropkicking her face.

Alf
There's nobody called Alf. What are you, stupid?

George
AKA 'George of the Jungle' AKA 'The Georgemeister'. George doesn't really belong in the model room as he never makes any models, but he has a desk in the corner anyway. George's job is to draw wolves all day long. That's all he does. Draws wolves. Quietly. In the corner. Occasionally Blonde Man (who shall be introduced) appears and tells George to draw another sort of wolf, or maybe a stained glass window. Once, Blonde Man appeared and told George to draw a pre-raffaelite woman. George then produced a highly detailed picture of a blue naked woman with lizards hands, floating in the air. Not sure how that came into his head, but hey, it was fun to watch him do it.
I quite like George as he obviously doesn't have much idea whats going on, why people keep telling him to draw things, why all the wolves, what he's even doing in this film studio as he originally entered to ask directions. He's a dude.
Also, his stool broke two days ago. All the legs fell off, so he glued them back in. For the next TWO days, his chair kept breaking - the legs kept falling out. I know because I watched him fix it each time, until the legs got so twisted it looked like a piece of modern art, and in his bid to get them back in, he snapped one. So then he sat on the desk and drew. Didn't ask for another chair, NOTHING. Then he got on his original stool.
Then my father found out that he was balancing on three bits of wood and some glue, took the stool, threw it down a corridor, then gave him a new one.
Ah George, George, George of the jungle.

Cat
There's this cat at the cafe where we have lunch. Apparently it's pregnant, which surprised me as I thought it was a boy. It can eat its own bodyweight in steak. Fat cunt. I feed it quite a lot when the romanian food is weird, which is most of the time. WHOOPEE.

Dan
Dan is the MAN. He is by far the coolest Romanian here. He's like my MENTOR through the harsh world of making models. Did I say that he was cool? He is cool. He is the MAN. DAN THE MAN, no less. I can't think of any specific examples of the coolness of Dan right now except oh yes, I can.

Here's a list of things that Dan doesn't like:
The building style around Bucharest, especially the scaffolding (which I think is HILARIOUS because its made of WOOD)
The decorative plastic cows that cover the city (he thinks that they are a waste of time)
The weather
Making two nearly identical models of a fucking wood
George's picture of the naked blue woman
Photoshopping pictures of buildings
The music on his computer (he has a file called "strange oriental shit" which is just that - a bunch of weird bangladeshi tunes and wailing. He told me that he got it from a girl he used to know, a vegetarian who was caught shoplifting)
Tripe soup, which is actually tastier than it sounds
The random cloth stuff they use to clad the film sets prior to painting them

Things that Dan does like:
Using photoshop to give people small heads
Me (I HOPE)
Cheese
The Pulp Fiction soundtrack
Some other stuff that's cool

Things that Dan hasn't heard of:
The Crazy Frog... see? He is SO COOL that such things don't even register on his radar.

Blonde guy
He's blonde. He's a guy. Looks a bit bohemian. I think his job is to make sure that George doesn't end up drawing any random crap. All I see of him is when he comes into the room and sees that George has drawn some random crap. Hmm.

Yeah. There were some other people too but you don't really care about them. Hell, I'm surprised you cared about the first lot. Losers.

Hey, weren't AS Level Results in today? How did everybody do? Hey look, I got my AS Level Results for Caring what everyone else did in their AS levels... OH I FAILED. DAMNIT.