I Will Survive

After reading that Mitt Romney had his scientist/atheist father-in-law baptised as a Mormon after he was dead, I have become restless, sleepless & hapless with the possibility that this could happen to me. I can't shake the paranoia.

You, my dear readers of my little spot on the Internet, are as close as I have to family. I am the only son of an only son. I am the end of the line. So, I am begging you to not let this happen to me. Don't convert me after I have left my body. Do not make me wear special underwear in the next incarnation.

I am leaving a few instructions & I am counting on you to see this through:
1. I do not wish to be buried or cremated. I want my body to go to a University where I will have scientists questioning my brain & penis size & how they relate.
2. In my obituary, mention that I enjoyed unprecedented success as an actor, singer, horticulturalist, writer, & lover. Claim that I won an Emmy, Grammy, Tony, Oscar, Pulitzer. Claim that I had the #1 album- Jock Straps & Vicodin, for 113 weeks.
2. Publish that although it has been noted that I was a perfect partner & spouse to one man for 50+ years, that I also had passionate affairs with: Gary Cooper, Cary Grant, Kurt Russell, Robert Conrad, Paul Newman, Twiggy, Alan Bates, Jack Kennedy, Marilyn Monroe, Lawrence Olivier, Marlon Brando, Steve McQueen, Sean Connery. Joe Dellesandro, James Dean, Warren Beatty, Sting, Jon Hamm, James Franco, Seal, Daniel Craig, Hillary Clinton, Bill Clinton, Taye Diggs, Hugh Jackman, Nancy Walker, Sidney Poitier, The Queen Mother & Cher... & yet never have had a sexually transmitted disease.
3. I insist that there be no funeral, but a memorial service would be acceptable, & a party would be preferred. I have a list of 10 songs that I want played at my party/memorial service:
If I Had A Boat- Lyle Lovett
Fly Me To The Moon (In Other Words)- Frank Sinatra
Beyond The Sea- Bobby Darrin
Every Breath You Take- The Police
Waters Of March- Art Garfunkel
Once In A Lifetime- Talking Heads
Don't Cry For Me Argentina- Patti Lupone
Something Good- Julie Andrews & Christopher Plummer
God Only Knows- The Beach Boys
I Will Survive- Gloria Gaynor

Your Host circa 1992

At first I was afraid

I was petrified

Kept thinking I could never live

Without you by my side

But then I spent so many nights

Thinking how you did me wrong

& I grew strong

& I learned how to get along

& so you're back

From outer space

I just walked in to find you here

With that sad look upon your face

I should have changed that stupid lock

I should have made you leave your key

If I had known for just one second

You'd be back to bother me

Go on now ,go walk out the door

Just turn around now

You're not welcome anymore

Weren't you the one who tried to hurt me with goodbye

Did you think I'd crumble?

Did you think I'd lay down & die?

Oh no, not I

I will survive

As long as I know how to love

I know I'll stay alive

I've got all my life to live

I've got all my love to give

& I'll survive

I will survive

It took all the strength I had

Not to fall apart

Kept trying hard to mend

The pieces of my broken heart

& I spent oh so many nights

Just feeling sorry for myself

I used to cry

But now I hold my head up high

& you see me

Somebody new

I'm not that chained up little person

Still in love with you

& so you felt like dropping in

& just expect me to be free

But now I'm saving all my loving

For someone who's loving me

Go on now go walk out the door

Just turn around now

You're not welcome anymore

Weren't you the one who tried to break me with goodbye

Did you think I'd crumble?

Did you think I'd lay down & die?

Oh no, not I

I will survive

As long as i know how to love

I know I'll stay alive

I've got all my life to live

I've got all my love to give

& I'll survive

I will survive

Go on now go, walk out the door

Just turn around now

You're not welcome anymore

Weren't you the one who tried to break me with goodbye?

Did you think I'd crumble?

Did you think I'd lay down & die?

Oh no, not I

I will survive

As long as I know how to love

I know I'll stay alive

I've got all my life to live

I've got all my love to give

& I'll survive

I will survive

I will survive!
Perrin & Fekaris
1978

Cakeside Accident Leaves Two Dead

Midtown (AP) -- Police responded to a call on the top of a birthday cake in midtown this afternoon to find the grisly accident scene of a head-on collision between two plastic cars. Among the wreckage of fondant, plastic shards and icing were the bodies of brother and sister Dora and Diego, two popular children's show cartoon characters.


A preliminary estimate from forensics experts states that both cars were speeding on the slippery icing, and Diego had just crossed the one-lane bridge over the icing river with nowhere else to turn. The report also suggests that before hitting the other car, Dora swerved to avoid hitting a paper tree. It has not yet been determined if alcohol or fruit punch was a factor.

The body of Diego was thrown from his vehicle at such a velocity that it ended up on a nearby Hey Gabba Gabba cake. Dora's body was found near a cake corner and was quickly claimed by the birthday boy. Funeral arrangements have not yet been announced.

And Now, Vince's Uncle Roberto On How To Calculate The Volume Of A Cone

Previously, we learned that the volume of a cylinder is πr²h.
Now, the volume of a cone is one third of the cylinder's volume. Hence, for a cone with height h and base radius r, the volume, V of the cone will be:


where π is a number that is approximately equal to 3.14.

And speaking of pi, never let that guy from that show "Cake Boss" hire your car to transport one of his ugly cakes. You get fondant everywhere on the leather interior, and he doesn't tip for shit. Be safe, kids!

A Message From Hansen Cakes of Los Angeles

Hello. Are you a non-talented relative of someone famous who needs a cake for a special occasion? Let Hansen Cakes of Los Angeles cater your birthday, wedding or coming out party.


Whether you're the undeserving "actress" who got her big break through her television mogul father or the daughter of a lawyer who famously defended a football player who murdered his wife, you can be sure that Hansen Cakes of Los Angeles will accept the money your fathers made to bake and decorate a cake for you.


We also open to catering for undeserving parents of famous children, like Michael & Dina Lohan, Lynne Spears or Joe Simpson.