Smecial Dreams Entry

From John Reid:

And three from Andrew Gall:

There's lots of Megan this time around.

And Now, Vince's Uncle Roberto On How To Make A Candy Cane Reindeer

Making reindeers out of candy canes is a simple craft for kids to do on their own, in groups or as a class around the holidays. The reindeer can be used as Christmas tree ornaments, an extra treat on top of a gift or even as a little homemade gift. Here's how to make your own:

1) Cut a brown pipe cleaner in half.

2) Lay the 2 halves beside each other, so that about a third of the first piece is sticking out from where the second piece starts. This will leave about a third of the second pipe cleaner sticking out on the other side.

3) Place the top of the curve of a wrapped candy cane in the middle of the pipe cleaners and bend them up around the top of the candy cane and twist to secure.

4) Bend the pipe cleaners to make antlers for the reindeer. Each of the 2 antlers should have a longer piece and a shorter piece which lets you bend, twist and create 2 unique antlers.

5) Glue googly eyes on the curved part of the reindeer below the antlers, but with room to attach a nose on the end of the candy cane. Using tacky glue or hot glue is the easiest way to quickly secure the eyes.

6) Attach a pompom onto the end of the candy cane as the nose for your candy cane reindeer.

7) Tie the ribbon in a bow half-way down the straight side of the candy cane. You can attach jingle bells to the center of the bow when you tie it or to the ends of each side of the ribbon for extra decoration.

And speaking of canes, one time I was driving this blind guy in my town car, and he claimed he could tell I was Filipino just by "my smell." What a racist fuckhead.

And Now, Vince's Uncle Roberto On How To Whistle Through Your Teeth

Extend your lower jaw a little. Whistling through your teeth may make you look funny, but you can get a really powerful sound.



Pull back the corners of your mouth a little. Do not expose your bottom teeth, but you may expose your upper teeth if you wish.



Make sure your bottom lip is taut against your lower teeth. If you need help creating this tautness, you can press your index and middle fingers on either side of the mouth (on the outside of the mouth only, not inside the mouth).



Draw back the tongue so that it's about the same level of the lower teeth. Notice that your tongue is broader and flatter, leaving a small space between it and your teeth.



Inhale deeply, then blow, forcing air between the space left between your tongue and your teeth. Experiment by adjusting your jaw, the tautness of your lips and the position of your tongue until you make a sound. The sound may not be loud to begin with, and may resemble a tire losing air, but take heart; a whistle is close.



Keep practicing until the sound becomes both louder and clearer. Eventually, it will become that shrill, through-the-teeth whistle you aim for.



And speaking of loud whistling, I'm so glad my fares are pre-scheduled instead of some random asshole whistling for me like I drive a cab. That gets annoying.

And Now, Vince's Uncle Roberto On How To Beatbox

1) Learn how to make the classic kick drum {b}, hi-hat {t} and classic snare drum {p} or {pf}.

2) Combine the three sounds into an 8-beat such as this: { b t pf t / b t pf t } or {b t pf t / b b pf t }

3) Concentrate on getting the timing right. If you make a mistake, keep going, do not stop or pause.

4) Start off slowly and build up speed once you can do the 8-beat without losing timing.

When you start getting really good, start the t sound b sound and the pft sound; they are the simplest beat boxing techniques!

And speaking of getting really good, I once parallel parked my Mercedes GL stretch limousine right on Flatbush Avenue in the rain. Now you tell me I didn't deserve that $50 tip that day!

And Now, Vince's Uncle Roberto On How To Calculate The Volume Of A Cone

Previously, we learned that the volume of a cylinder is πr²h.
Now, the volume of a cone is one third of the cylinder's volume. Hence, for a cone with height h and base radius r, the volume, V of the cone will be:


where π is a number that is approximately equal to 3.14.

And speaking of pi, never let that guy from that show "Cake Boss" hire your car to transport one of his ugly cakes. You get fondant everywhere on the leather interior, and he doesn't tip for shit. Be safe, kids!

And Now, Vince's Uncle Roberto On How To Handle A Lacrosse Stick

Any lacrosse coach will teach how to play lacrosse by dwelling on lacrosse skills. But the only way to become a fundamentally sound player is to work on basic skills.

Get into the habit of turning to face the direction the ball is coming from when passed to you. As you catch the ball in the lacrosse stick head, let the stick give as it receives the pass. This means that you must be aware of the location of the ball on the field and face the passer. That way you have a better view of the arc the lacrosse ball takes toward your stick.

Cradling is holding the ball in the pocket of your stick when you are not catching or passing. It's also your time to assess the field and choose your next move. Imagine having to watch your stick constantly to make sure you still have the ball. That leaves no time to scan the field and set a play. You have to be able to protect the ball from the defenseman while you look for an opportunity to shoot or pass the ball.

And speaking of stick handling, if I ever look in my rear view mirror and see one of you kids giving your prom dates a handjob in the back of my limo, I'm going to pull the car over until you have some tissue handy; I am NOT cleaning up after you kids every spring.